Sunday, August 01, 2010

We're A Family Suffering From The Ill Effects Of IRA

You don't have to probe too far back into Infidel family history to find early IRA victims. Do you know IRA? You should. It's quite likely that you or somebody you know struggles with the heartbreak of IRA or as its better known Inappropriate Reaction Affliction.
See, I'm like my father. We both lack the necessary sentimental gene required to make it through ballad night on American Idol. It's an absolute physical impossibility.
I laughed uproariously during the entirety of the schlocky New Moon movie while my sisters-in-law were furiously hushing me in between dabbing away their endlessly flowing tears.
My mom, however, is a living embodiment of a Mrs. Butterworth's Syrup bottle nestled snugly inside a bag of extra cheesy Cheetos.
She's subsisted on a steady diet of treacly sweet nonsense and shameless cheese for so long she has to have built up an impressive dual cheeseball/syrup storage system somewhere around her spleen.
So anyway, my parents divorced when I was 2.
A few years before passing away my father confided in me that after the divorce he was inconsolable and listened to Elton John's despondent song, Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word non-stop for several months.
I was deeply moved by his uncharacteristically emotional outpouring so I naturally assumed my mom would be equally touched by the soul-crushing pain he endured but kept so well hidden from her and everyone else for the past 30-something years.
My mom's response? She collapsed onto the sofa and shook with laughter for a good five minutes.
IRA strikes whenever you least expect it.......Curse you IRA!


Nancy Face said...

I admit it...I'm one of those foolishly sentimental people, sobbing away during Hallmark card commercials that I've already seen a bazillion times! :D

ELASTICA said...

Confession time: Cat's In The Cradle and I Hope You Dance make me sob like a big fat baby and so I tell my mini-Infidels "Quick! Change the station before I feel any feelings!"

Long country songs that tell sad stories usually get me the first time, too before I wise up and change the station.

Carrot Jello said...

"Farmer In The Dell" get's me every time.
Especially when "the cheese stands alone."
I can't bare the thought of the cheese standing alone.
It makes me weepy.