I've been rather reticent to post things that may be construed as offensive or mean spirited but after reading the breath of fresh air that is Louis and his hair and pest free psychic head, the decision has been made to release my inner bully and let her roam free dispensing wedgies and cruelty at will. Oh, inner bully you have been so quiet and patient all these years now is your time to shine!
These are the reasons that I sometimes feel like a complete social pariah among the women in my Church.
1. Not too many Sisters have three siblings all with different last names because we all have different fathers like I do.
2. I loathe and despise scrapbooking and would rather fill my afternoon brushing my dog's teeth than sit around cutting and pasting endlessly. It's also a massively expensive hobby.
3. Sometimes I worry that my eyes will get stuck in the back of my head because they roll around uncontrollably upon hearing thin gamine Sisters complain bitterly about how fat they are and what diet they're on while the truly fat around them, like me, are just trying to enjoy our brownie in peace.
4. Parents who leave children under 12 to go on vacations with their spouse child free. Very common in our Ward. I got a little sassy with one Sister who left her BABY and TODDLER to go on a cruise. She kept complaining about her girls being, "clingy", when she got back. I told her bluntly that while her and hubby were frolicking in the Caribbean for two weeks her daughters probably developed separation anxiety and felt as though they had been abandoned. Looks like I won't win the Ward Miss Congeniality Trophy this year.
5. Sisters who incessantly use the word, 'like', in conversation, makes me want to gag myself with a spoon, to the max. I would love to have a hypnotist work with one Church member in particular and force her to chant, "I will not flip my hair constantly, or smack my gum, and I will stop peppering my sentences with like, totally, and whatever. After all, I AM a 30 year old married Mormon Mom, not a teen Valley Girl". Fer Sure!
6. Women who feel the burning desire to rub, scratch, touch, lay on, and kiss their husbands during Sacrament meeting. Words cannot describe how annoying and irreverent this is especially if you're unfortunate enough to be seated behind them. Yes, we get it, you love your man and you're all horned up for him, but did you ever see Marjorie Hinckley touching our Prophet constantly and massaging him during meetings? No, because it's inappropriate,so stop already. True irony is, the worst offender of PDA in our Ward is now going through a divorce. Maybe she should have kept her hands to herself and her ears on the talks more.
7. I hate it when ladies whom I'm not that close with, announce to me, "Oh, we've started trying for another baby". WTH??? Why do I need to know that you and your husband are doing it more in hopes of impregnation? Way too personal.
8. I regard women who don't work and then complain about how tired they are and how hard their life is, aggravating. Similarly women who kvetch about money woes and when I offer them solutions like working part time manual labor like I do, they sniff and say, "Oh, NO, I could NEVER do THAT".
9. I have made it known that I have an allergic reaction to strong perfumes and scents and I'm not embarrassed to stand up and move when I'm swelling and gagging from the woman next to me who smells like a French whorehouse.
10. Sisters who have placed themselves in the highest degree of glory already. The ones who look like they will faint if they hear you utter words like, crap, or dang. That also refers to the weasel who called our R.S. Pres. to report me because she saw an inch of my garment sticking out of knee length shorts at Wal-Mart.
I also don't wear makeup, or fix my hair, I've never owned a pair of high heels, and I detest pantyhose. Did you know that pantyhose is the number one factor in causing yeast infection among women? Gross, but scientific and true. We homebirth, homeschool, and I'm a convert. Maybe I'm the weird one. I do know so many wonderful Sisters in our Ward but I only feel true kinship with my fellow struggling converts and homeschoolers.
11 comments:
LIKE...I SEE A MISSED CONGENALITY AWARD COMING. I THINK THAT YOU ARE 100% CORRECT IN ALL THE MUSINGS THAT YOU WRITE AND I ALSO GET UPSET AT THE OVER ABUNDANCE OF FRENCH WHORE SMELLS AROUND....LOOK LADIES A LITTLE GOES A LONG WAY. I THINK TMI ON THE YEAST INFECTIONS THOUGH.......
GO FOR IT AND HAVE FUN WITH IT BYE
Anonymous-I KNOW who you are, and I apologize for my pissy little comments. Dang, now that I don't have a baby I can't blame my mental imbalances on post-partum like I used to.
Mormon Man- The images you put in my head today of a wayward hand are priceless. I think you just won the prize for, 'Greatest Quote Of The Year', if you lose that one though you will definitely win in the category of Best Metaphor!
Miss Biotech- I laugh in the face of danger, ha ha ha. The Garment Gestapo don't frighten me. After all I am a fearless paper carrier more fierce than your average LDS old biddy, fo'sho'!
Personally, I like my wife's hand on my crotch, even though I have to practically beg her to do so. At Church, though, I agree, it is not appropriate. It took me awhile, but duh, I finally figured out there is a culture, and then there is doctrine. I think it is a common misconception LDS members are staid, dull, and easy-going. I have an idea for a post now, so see ya! Where in Houston you be, ewl? I'm on the northside (kingwood, to be exact...)? vibrantdeath@hotmail.com We could double date with my wife (my wife says I sound psycho, but I'm mostly harmless)...Wait, could this be misconstrued as one of those kiddie predator type things?
Curious as to what a French whorehouse smelss like...? I personally like the Tunisian...nevermind
We stay North side in H-Town, brotha! We live about a mile away from the Temple.
Wait a minute, I've said too much. You are a stranger after all and a Mormon stranger at that. Shudders!
Can we still be friends? I realized while reading this entry (and being thoroughly entertained, as usual) that I was shrinking lower and lower in my chair--I qualified for so many of those. I complain about my weight, I only wear perfume to cover the stench of not showering, (I too, am against all hosiery but wear it sometimes to impress my parents and my husband and I bookend the kids at church so there's no fun there),I do like scrapbooking but am about 4 years behind, I even just left my 4 and 2 year olds for an entire week while I played with my fam in Hawaii (but I had the baby with me, does that still count?) I am surprised at the garment nazi though. Usually when I see them I just get really excited--heh, I'm mormon too. I'm not exactly sure where I'll end up in the hereafter but I sure hope that there are windows in outer darkness...maybe I should have just blogged, this comment was like, way long.
EMMA JO! I should have included a disclaimer about any events, places, people, or situations that seem familiar is purely coincidental. Since technically you're assigned to another Ward, trust me, NONE of these things were written about you. My list applies to about 8 women I know and half of them aren't even in Houston anymore. The garment story though just happened last year and I got really pissy about it with the R.S Pres. Who goes around tattling on people like that? My girls and I now laugh about it and made up our own acronym, W.W.S.R.D?, we repeat it when in doubt about our underwear. (e-mail me, and I'll explain what it stands for).
This blog entry is my own way of dealing with my winter depression. I think they call it seasonal affective disorder. I don't know, but in December I felt so melancholy and like such a loser I vowed to never go back to Church, and didn't attend for several weeks. Now, I get it, I LOVE the Church, but sometimes feel lost in the cultural aspect of it.
I choose to snark on others bad habits and cruddy personality traits because writing about my own would be too painful!
(Your family still ranks number #1 in my opinion among Church families)
Such a great blog! You should move to my ward in Provo--our RS President's husband swears in church on a fairly regular basis. (He's one of our Gospel Doctrine teachers.)Then again, so do I.
Amen on the scrapbooking thing! What is up with that? It's cute and all that, but who has the time (or money) to do it? I'd rather spend my time playing with my kids.
Ha! Seasonal Affective Disorder...S.A.D., get it? Sad? Ha ha ha, goofy psychiatrists had to come up with a pun to label something. December sucks hard...
Julie, the trick to avoiding negative labels is to modify your profanity.
For example, in my house we say AZZ or arse as opposed to ASS. It just sounds more refined, don't you think? Crappy is now said with a faux French accent and voila, you have CRAPP'E. Thanks to C.S. Lewis we have exchanged DEM for the word DAMN. The very popular word, S**t has now taken on a worldly, cultural feel as I express myself through the yelling, SHIITE!
You seem creative Julie, there is potential unfettered in the world of Cuss Word Modification.
Crapp'e! After a nice compliment like that I'll have to start thinking of some ideas. I admit that my swearword of choice is s**t, and I found your modification very amusing. Thanks for the comment on my blog, BTW.
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