Okay, here's a word of warning. If you are in anyway easily offended or consider yourself to be a comedy elitist, do not read today's entry and check back in tomorrow.
So, you sick minded people that have decided to read further will be rewarded with vulgar, low-brow humor.
The warehouse guy where I work, whom shall henceforth be referred to as 'Major', (because his last name is Payne), is accompanying a friend of his to Los Angeles to attend an after party for the Golden Globe Awards honoring Ellen DeGeneres. His friend won tickets to the party, a taping of The Ellen DeGeneres show, and a taping of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.
First of all the invitation stipulated black tie attire so Major had to purchase a new suit. He bought a double breasted pinstripe one. Of course, I couldn't let that go without teasing him. I told him that I wear a double breasted suit everyday but it only has pinstripes when I sleep on my chenille blanket funny. Then, I had to tell him that he's all set to break into acting because he has the perfect get-up to audition for some plum gangster and Mafia roles. Finally, I compiled a list for him so that he won't make any awkward gaffes upon meeting Ellen DeGeneres.
5 Things You Should NOT Say To Ellen Upon Meeting Her:
1. Wow, you look ten times butchier in real life than on T.V.!
2. Hmmmm, it smells like tuna fish in here.
3. I LOVE your outfit, Ellen. I have the same one at home.
4. We should get together sometime and watch the "Girls Gone Wild", video.
5. Have you ever made out with a newspaper warehouse guy before?
Thanks to my infinite wisdom, he should fare well out there in the big city. You blog reading people can look for him in his super suave suit on the air date which should be Tuesday. Have a safe trip home, MAJOR!!!
2 comments:
AHA! mormon family man, I am marking you down in my sick freak blog people category for reading the entire post despite the warning!
The source of her popularity probably stems from the fact that she is a blonde feministic liberal that makes out with women. In Hollywood, that's all the matching criteria for mega success and stardom.
Not to be graphic, but I have a running joke with Major. He identifies Ellen as his most favorite lesbian, and I always ask him if he actually has a list of favorite lesbians that SHE has made it to the top of. Who does that?
miss biotech!!! When are you going to fill me in on all the juicy little tidbits of your date? You know that I have no life and must live vicariously through your hedonistic exploits.
Now, did anyone find the post amusing in the least? I laughed when I made my "double-breasted suit" line to Major. Nobody? Okay, I guess I am the only true sick freak here after all.
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