Finally, I thought I was going to break into the popular inner circle of middle school because my Mom bought me the perfect dress that the 'cool' girls had. A red safari style belted dress with a short, pleated poufy look on the bottom. After a day of gushing compliments, I felt like I was shiznit personified. However, it all came to a screeching halt when running to catch my bus in the afternoon. The notoriously gusty March winds took over and to my complete horror blew my dress straight up over my head, in front of the majority of the school. Crap. People called me The Lady In Red after the lame movie where the female character's red dress keeps billowing around her in the wind. Or it might have been a reference to that awful Lady In Red song by Chris DeBurgh. "The lady in red, is dancing with me, cheek to cheek". Whenever my friends and I sang the cheek part we had to do the obligatory butt slap for emphasis. The Moral Of The Story Is: When Walking Around In A Dress In March, Do NOT Wear Garfield Zebra Print Underwear.
THE LEGEND HAS DIED
While laughing at my classmates in P.E., I also garnered my own mean nickname courtesy of a girl named Brandy. After a disastrous dental accident at YMCA camp when I was 10, my front tooth turned a lovely shade of gray. Root canals, bleaching treatments, nothing seemed to help, so I just lived with it. In reference to the 80's version Tarzan movie, I was now christened, Melissa:The Legend Of GrayTooth.
The Lesson Learned Here Is: Do not trust your camp friends to guide you around safely while you're pretending to be blind, because they will allow you to crash into a tetherball pole, thus breaking and damaging your tooth until you turn 23 and have to pay for a majorly expensive dental bridge. *Teach your children to overcome their adolescent urge to be stupid*
SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES
While in English class, we had the assignment of writing a short story to share with the class. Mine featured a nurse who used the phrase, "You are the instigator of all evil", to another character. Oddly enough, all the sleepy eyes in the class suddenly sharpened, people goofing off turned their undivided attention towards me for the remainder of the story. Very weird and very surreal feeling. The rowdier boys took a shine to me and started referring to me as the Instigator Of Evil everywhere I went. Eventually, it naturally evolved and shortened itself down to just Instigator. An average white, mild-mannered conservative girl being called Instigator always turned heads, especially when they saw me outside of school and yelled it at me. Aesop Would Say: She Who Uses Words That Titillate Stoner Boys Must Accept Weird NickName Given To Her.
Hope you enjoyed this very special NICKNAME EXTRAVAGANZA edition.
5 comments:
Oh, "Instigator", I loved this post. I wish I would have had more mentionable nicknames and some good stories to go with 'em (that can be told to a family audience)!
Sluggo, Herman, cracka, lou-dog, etc...
Oh those are funny! I mean, I feel bad for you. I just have a question- Do you think with the dress incident that there was any kind of underwear that would have been safe? I have a feeling that teenagers could make fun of anything if they set their mind to it, and pretty much do.
I think you're with holding some valuable nickname information because you're selfish wendela and don't want to share the laughs with us. You see, I'm a giver.
Patrick-You have a wide selection of nicknames to choose from. One for every occasion, and one size fits all. Sluggo, is pretty funny though.
mimo-Had this incident happened in current culture I would have been wearing a diamond studded thong that day in middle school, and people would have thrown me dollar bills when my dress blew up over my head.
No, miss biotech, YOUR official nickname is, FRIEND OF INFIDEL. Occasionally though, I would like to refer to you as my comrade.
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