I would like to promulgate some exciting news: The Smiling Infidel has purchased a bicycle. This picture is of me and my new bike, aren't we stunning? I did tweeze this morning and I ceremoniously shaved my furry legs, so there's slightly less hair than when this picture was originally taken.
My first foray with the kids to the park on Friday went smoothly. Although, after 10 years of bicycle absenteeism I was neither graceful nor coordinated, just exactly the kind of bike riding skills you would come to expect from a common bear. My fat legs failed me and were begging for mercy after only 15 minutes. The bicycle seat made me so freakin sore in my nether regions, that I had butt cheek spasms all day yesterday. Maybe my arse needs a bicycle built for two. However, I did experience glowing triumph from staying erect and not toppling over once. Can I get a WHOOP WHOOP?
I'm strangely encouraged by the punishing pain I felt, that must signify that this is a great form of cardiovascular exercise. I'm completely ready to start a new bicycle workout regimen and maybe even train for the prestigious Tour De Doughnut! To realize that dream I need to buy the finest in Spandex that money can buy. Something that would make Milli Vanilli weep with envy. I desperately want to own the entire Lance Armstrong Cheek Squeezer bicycle short collection and matching Second Skin tops, because I know how much the public enjoys seeing rotund, hairy women in tight clothes, and I AM a people pleaser after all.
If you can find it in your generous hearts to support a worthy cause to bring sunshine and happiness into the life of a pathetic soul, please donate large sums of unmarked bills to The Smiling Infidel Spandex/Lycra Sausage Casing Fund. Thank you and God Bless.
*If you don't respond or forward this message to 7 friends in 7 minutes, you will suffer the wrath of an anonymous stranger*
8 comments:
Hey miss biotech, we should join forces. The two of us together in our skin tight sauasge casing biking outfits will surely strike dread and fear in the hearts of the other Tour De Doughnut contestants. Doesn't that sound fun?
We can win the grand prize I'm certain of it. It includes a lifetime supply of Krispy Kremes, free angioplasty, and a huge Golden Championship Doughnut Trophy. Are you in?
Fine, since you can't be part of my pedal pusher team, then I'll assign you head cheerleader status. How proficient are you in the ancient, traditional ways of the Pom-Pom?
You can also be President of my exclusive fan club. Just know that the job comes with big responsibility like protecting and shielding me with your body in the event of a crazed gunman or Amway representative.
Good for you! I'd think of something witty to say, but I can't/don't come up with witty stuff as well or quickly as you do! I do really like that pic of you and the bike, although it sorta looks like you're sniffing the seat. Eww. I'm sure it was just one of those paparazzi moments when they caught you unaware and things aren't always as they seem.
Anyway, you've motivated me! I had a dream the other night my thighs were even fatter than they naturally are- time to knock off the late-night snacks and get myself on the treadmill! That way, I'll surely be able to join your fan club and help ward off those Amway cultists. :)
Try to resist the urge to pop a bigger wheelie than the kiddies!
Once, I got my hands on a skateboard and tried to jump off a porch, it wasn't a pretty sight. I decided after I turned 21 and had babies, I'm not cool anymore.
Who can resist the alluring heiny scent of a bicycle seat? If I could only capture it in bottle form, I'd be wildly rich.
I won't be ready for flying with my bicycle through flaming hula hoops for at least another couple of months. I'm still cool though, I'm sure of it. I saw a funny sticker that said, "I'm so cool, I crap ice cubes". Maybe I should adapt that as my new motto.
You are so funny... and I am embarassed because I think I'm supposed to know who you are, but I don't! I'll have to call a sister and get the scoop if you won't tell. :)
I'm a fan of all-things exercise! Way to go!
You are missing a seriously critical component on your bicycle! Where is the bell? My favorite thing to do is ring my bell wildly (it has a pony on it) when we pass other people. It embarasses my husband to no end--as if five people on bikes in geeky safe helmets isn't enough.
suzie, I met you once when your daughter was a baby at your parents home on Appin Falls. The only reason I remember is because I made a weird comment about having Waverly sheets and wallpaper in my bedroom. That was 6 years ago, and some things never change. I'm still a dork in social situations.
Emma- I don't care for your bragging tone, Missy! My bicycle doesn't have an awesome horn on it but it's still like the bestest bike ever. I'll fight you for your pony horn. Meet me at the abandoned old rock quarry after school if you dare, and we'll play a game of bicycle chicken. Winner take all.
Post a Comment