Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Chronicles Of Appalling Parenting:Chapter 3

When you spawn a lot of kids in a short amount of time, it's inevitable that some long standing familial traditions will become lost along the way due to sheer parental exhaustion. We decided to follow through with the timeless charade of 'The Tooth Fairy'. You know, the benevolent winged being that appears out of the ether and descends towards a child's pillow during the nocturnal hours. They deftly maneuver around the streams of kiddie drool to swap out lost and bloodied teeth for money.

After awhile, the fallen teeth really started to pile up around here. So much so, that I freakin could have gone into a denture making business. Occasionally, I found myself without the proper coinage to make the sneaky switch. One morning we woke up to two sounds. The first belonged to our oldest daughter, Sunbum, who was sobbing inconsolably that the Tooth Fairy had forgotten her. Sunbum followed that mournful observance by announcing that she had wet her bed........ again. Any sort of sympathy or parental guilt over the forgotten tooth/money exchange dissolved immediately when looking at her sodden, wet sheets. The overpowering stench rivaled a men's urinal down at the decrepit neighborhood sports bar. (Don't ask me how I know that)I turned to her whimpering 5 year old self and told her in my best super sacharrine mommy voice, "Oh, this is really awful, baby. You peed your bed again and drowned the poor Tooth Fairy in a big, nasty pee puddle". Even worse, I informed Sunbum that the Tooth Fairy received a swishy toilet funeral and farewell because the weather outside proved too cold to dig a hole and carry forth with proper Tooth Fairy burial rights.

Thus far we've blissfully escaped giving out lost tooth money for the past 5 years. However, the other children continue to glare menacingly at Sunbum and point the finger of blame towards her for their missed financial opportunities. BAD, BAD PARENTING SKILLS! But then, is it really right to propogate lies and pretend that we're tooth obsessed fairies, giant chocolate egg bearing bunny rabbits, and a fat man with a milk and cookie fetish?


Julie said...

What a perfect way to get rid of the tooth fairy. Ah, the nastiness of drowning in pee-sodden sheets!

The tooth fairy died the death of logic at our house when my oldest, then 5, declared with exasperation, "Come ON, Mom! Who ELSE in this house has all that change just sittin' around?!?!" He's 10 now, but thinks (and acts) like he's 16. So much for perpetuating any childhood myths like Santa...or the breast fairy.

Mimo said...

Oh you are BAD! You do realize she will need years of counseling to get past this in her adulthood, don't you?

Pisces Iscariot said...

LOL JWM (see earlier comment string)
I can't imagine a more fitting death for the toof fairy.
Now while we're on the subject I'd like to put a contract out on the Easter Bunny and Satan Claus (for not getting me that bicycle in 1967 - that's right you dirty red, I haven't forgotten)

Moi said...

Oh, that's bad. Scarred for life. What will she tell her children? "Sorry, I drowned the tooth fairy in a pee puddle a lonng time ago." You'll not only pay for her therapy, but your granchildrens as well.

wendela said...

"...the timeless charade of 'The Tooth Fairy'"? Charade? Someone forgot to tell me it wasn't real. I'm crushed. But kinda glad, because that guy in your picture looks pretty scary.

Radioactive Jam said...

Wow. This is truly awe-inspiring. But now I have a problem. I want to pass this along to my daughter because I know she'll appreciate it, but she might appreciate it too much i.e. "try" it. Still, it's worth the risk.

Miss Biotech said...

Bad, bad Infidel. Poor Sunbum! You'd better start a fund to cover upcoming counseling fees. Very funny though, as always ;-)

Ggraph said...

Such a quick wit! I can hear her now on the 911 tape confessing to the murder with a pee puddle. Therapy for years! Great story.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

My daughter is very intuitive and I feel she will make an excellent psychotherapist and will utilize the adage, 'physician, heal thyself". Then we only have to worry about medical school costs.

Hey Pisces I'm LMAO at your comment. BTW IMHO 39 years is a long time to harbor resentment against Old St.Nick. You should lighten up. (By the way, how much is the contract for? I might have a "friend" who's interested in the job and already has a track record of rubbing out made up entities)

Radioactive, The obliteration of beings like the Tooth Fairy should only be handled by a trained professional such as myself. Do NOT try this at home! Maybe I should have prefaced this entry with a disclaimer, I can't afford any lawsuits.

Welcome ggraph, No quick wit with me but you'll find it in plentiful supply among the posters here. I tend to have lucid moments few and far between, nothing consistent.

Pisces Iscariot said...

Okay electric, I give up - IMHO? You put that in to catch me out didn't you?
Contract on Satan Clause - I'll give you reindeer meat for 25Christmases (oops I mean holidays!)

elasticwaistbandlady said...

ALMOST ROFL Pisces. You're so clever but you must harness your genius for good and stop pissing off Animal Rights activists.

IMHO is supposed to be the acronym for IN MY HUMBLE OPINION. I much prefer to think of it as IN MY HALF-ASSED OPINION though.

Slackermommy said...

What quick thinking! I must admit that I forgot to leave money once but my excuse wasn't as imaginative. I told them that the Tooth Fairy called me to let me know her wings were broken and she'd be by once they were fixed.

Very funny stuff you've got here!