Monday, April 17, 2006

For All You Dieters: Vomit Inducing Music

I've been slowly compiling a mental list of the creme de la creme of the worst songs ever. Which is the most deserving of the honorary "Your Song Makes Me Want To Perforate My Ear Drums With A Spork" trophy? I'll let YOU be the judge of that by making your voices heard.

  1. Christmas Shoes by New Song: An upbeat little ditty about a young lad trying to buy some shoes for his dying Mom on Christmas Eve. The key line in the song is, "Wouldn't it be beautiful if Mama met Jesus tonight"? This is corny, cheesy schlock at its very worst, and I resent songs that take a dull plastic knife and make a cheap stab at your emotions. I had to laugh when I read about a person who wrote that what if this boy and his Mom are grifters scamming every two bit, podunk town the week before Christmas with the 'My Mom is Dying' line. Ahhh, how I love cynicism.
  2. Butterfly Kisses by Bob Carlisle: Please join me in the movement to prevent couples from playing this wretchedly creepy song at their wedding. Thanks for your support.
  3. Hmm, Hmm, Hmm by Crash Test Dummies: Inane and repetitious lyrics, froggy voiced lead singer, and song title that can only be pronounced when you're congestion free, all clash to make this one of the stupidest songs ever. Though it is set to a beautiful classically inspired melody, nothing can save the awfulness of it.
  4. All I Wanna Do by Heart: Let me state for the record that there is absolutely nothing more romantic than a musical ode to a married woman who picks up a greasy hitchhiker on the side of the road and takes him to a seedy motel in the secret hopes of being impregnated. Then several years later while out and about with her sterile husband and love child encounters the greasy hitch hiker sperm donor. The worst, the absolute worst overplayed song ever.
  5. Last Kiss by Pearl Jam: I used to be all about the grunge in my younger years and had Eddie Vedder approved flannel shirts to prove it, but dog in nevaeh what a horrible song this is. Funny thing happened last week when it came on XM Radio and I asked Sunbum to listen to the lyrics and tell me what she thought of it. Her deadpan reply was, "I'm sorry Mom, but I don't speak mumble". That summed the whole thing up and made me laugh really hard.
  6. One Thing by Finger 11: Too painful to even try to remember the crappiness of it. I'm trying to let go of negativity and only embrace positive enlightened thoughts. Don't ruin it by playing this hideous song.
  7. Lullaby by Shawn Mullins: What exactly is the appeal of gravelly voiced singers crooning off key to lame lyrics? No Shawn, everything is NOT going to be alright until someone puts a piece of freakin duct tape over your mouth.
  8. My Humps by Black Eyed Peas: I told my kids that the song was written for some beloved camels in Fergie's youth.
  9. Love Shack by B-52's: Everything has to die a natural death, why hasn't this song? I've been waiting 17 years. Please, for the love of all that is pure and holy, pull this song from your rotation, radio stations. I've officially declared our house a "Love Shack Free" Zone. A place of serenity where you'll never again be startled by gay people screeching 'Tin Roof Rusted'. Yeah, as if.
  10. Sex And Candy by Marcy Playground: I still don't know what the heck sex and candy means. Even George Michael didn't beat around the bush (yes, and we now know why, don't we?) and just came out singing, 'I Want Your Sex'. Dispense of all your cryptic, encoded messages and just tell me how sex relates to candy and why in the World the Universe knows the most inappropriate time for this song to play and then plays it. Yes, that would be the time the missionaries were at my house. Blushing, blushing everywhere!

Okay people, what say you????


Dan the Man said...

let's not forget some other classic terrible songs:

"MmmmBop" -Hansen
"If you wanna be my lover"- Spice Girls
"With arms Wide Open"- Creed
"Dirty Little Secret"- The All=American Rejects

elasticwaistbandlady said...

captain m.!!!! You are the official token teenager on this blog and you've earned accolades from me on suggesting some other stunnigly bad songs. With the exception of the Spice Girl song. Maybe it's food association at its worst but Burger King used to feature 'Wannabe' on their ads and just hearing it conjures up images of flame broiled goodness. MMMMMMM(Bop)indeed!

Julie said...

How about "Material Girl" (Madonna) and "Let's Get Physical" (what's-her-bucket Newton-John)?

And there's another one that is SO whiny to me, but I can't think of what it's called right now. I'll post again when I remember...

Julie said...

"Back for Good." That's the song that I absolutely DETEST!!!! How much whinier can you get than, "Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it--I just want you back for good"? And the way the guy sings it...blech!

Moi said...

I'll second you on Christmas Shoes, and Butterfly Kisses *gag* and I nominate any song sung by Barry Manilow and "I Will Always Love You" sung by Whitney Houston.

Pisces Iscariot said...

Sorry to remind you all about this one:
Agadoo by Black Lace
'Ag-a-doo-doo-doo, push pineapple, shake the tree
Aga-doo-doo-doo, push pineapple, grind coffee
To the left, to the right, jump up and down and to the knees
Come and dance every night, sing with a hula melody'

wendela said...

I am confident my weight loss goals will now be met (that will happen with ANYTHING by Madonna). Thank you sooo much. I'm too weak to add any more - other than some odd song called "Detachable Penis" by King Missile. I'm dry heaving by now.

Gia said...

I'm with Carrot Jello and Whitney Houston's I will Always love you. Gag gag gag. And My Humps needs to be banned from the airwaves. My 5 y/o sings it now. Not cool (okay - it's really funny when she does it, but I still hate the song!).

I'm gonna add "Do the Bearcat" by David Wilcox. This retched tune will leave your stomach in knots for days when the weird "melody" won't leave your brain. I shudder at the thought of it!

Radioactive Jam said...

Sorry, these will just have to wait in line. I'm still trying to get Numa-Numa out of my head.

Moi said...

Oh, and how about "Oh WAHHH...I just died in your arms tonight"? Who came up with that song?

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Let me address this in the order received.

Julie that song, I Want You Back, is done by Robbie Williams who is a megastar in Europe but fame has eluded him here. I don't think I've ever listened to it all the way through because it's annoying. Mercifully though it had a short radio life unlike those on my list that just keeps getting played, and played and....

Why do people play, 'I Will Always Love You' at their weddings? It's a BREAK-UP SONG! Not only that the original came from the movie, 'The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas'. Not exactly matrimony material there. carrot, I have to differ with you. Barry Manilow has a few songs that I LOVE. Namely a song called, 'Could It Be Magic' that came out the year I was born and has the line in it, "Sweet Melissa, Angel Of My Lifetime". Anything that refers to my name in a glowing light ranks high with me. I like 'Died In Your Arms Tonight' by Cutting Crew. Not a favorite, but not intolerable either.

I have never, ever heard Agadoo. The name makes me think of Waterloo by ABBA though. I did some investigating and found a huge love/hate relationship with that song among Europeans. Seems it even has its own novelty dance. Did you shake your booty to it in the 80's Pisces? Come now, you're among friends, you can admit past atrocities in your life! Hah, Europeans think that they're so 'elite' and above us uncultured Americans. Who knew they had their own version of idiocy akin to The Macarena?

wendela, I'm making a mix tape of all of these to take to the YMCA with me. It should speed weight loss up as I repeatedly powerwalk to the restroom to barf. 'Detachable Penis' is a guilty pleasure of mine. That cassette never left my car in the summer of 91 or so. It was like a dirty version of Weird Al parodies. Still Love It!

Gia, I don't know, 'Do The Bearcat'. Let me put on my sleuthing hat, break out my pipe, and wear my jacket with elbow patches and go look that one up later.

Ditto for Numa Numa. Although I give it a thumbs down based on title alone.

Elizabeth-W said...

Here's an oldie but a goodie--"The Bird" by Morris Day and the Time. I can remember being at Youth Conference watching a whole bunch of goofy kids flapping their arms.
After reading about 5 year olds singing My Humps, I am grateful I have another 7 years til I have my first teenager. The reminder that there are indeed worse things to listen to in the car besides Wiggles (Raffi, etc.) is helpful.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Just to stoke the fires a bit more. How about 'Blue' by Eiffel 65? Blah. Ditto for 'Breakfast At Tiffany's' and 'How Bizarre' by OMC? If I never again hear 'Mambo No.5' by Lou Bega again, it will me a merciful blessing.

wendela said...

Elastic and RaJ: I'd never heard of Numa Numa, either, but I had to follow that link. Well, I will not be able to get it or Gary Brolsma's lip synching out of my head all day now. Quite addictive, but I really have to get something DONE today. It all seems nearly impossible now.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Okay, I HAVE heard Numa Numa before but didn't know the title of it. Believe it or not they overplayed it on the Spanish pop station here and it puzzled me because I couldn't translate any of it. Now I know why, it's in Romanian. Saw a dancing pineapple perform the 'Agadoo'. Good heavens, I can see why that became a dance craze.

WELCOME Elizabeth W!!!! I danced 'The Bird' at my eighth grade graduation. I tend to enjoy dances with easy maneuvers that even a dorky, uncoordinated white chick like myself can perfect. The Wiggles are hotties, especially Greg, the most bootylicious Wiggle of them all! We stopped playing Radio Disney around here because of the overly excessive playing of the absolutely terrible, 'Hamster Dance', and 'Crazy Frog' ad nauseum. My kids are forboten from listening to Agadoo, I just know they'll love the catchy little dance and want to play it over and over thus removing what little sanity I have left.

White Man Retarded said...

I agree with all of what you said except for M.P. I like that song. Julie: I had my first 'bad thoughts' to material girl. Wendela: Detachable Penis: the music is awesome, but the vocals are stupid. I love the reverb on the guitar. Yeah! What about that song, "It's closing time..." ? By who? What about that song that goes "...I've been down to the bottom of every bottle...this is how you remind me of what I really am...?" What about staind? all of the stupid punk bands out there? Hey, my wife wants to make the semiannual trip to Pancho's...want your family to go with us?

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Patrick, I nearly forgot all about Closing Time by Semi-Sonic. The worst part of that song is how my Papi waxes philosophic on it. He used to tell me, "You know what? It's really TRUE, every new beginning does come from another beginning's end". This from a man who deems music outside of classical and country unlistenable. I told him that its a song about drunk people at a bar, not exactly worthy of wasting analytical skills on.

Name the time and Pancho's location, and we're there!!! I'll make sure to wear my extra large elastic waist band pants to accommodate the refried bean and taquito orgy.

Elizabeth-W said...

Does Pancho's still make the pseudo chile relleno with okra?? Off topic, but Pancho's is so funny and bad it sort of fits the theme. ;)
Oh, and your comment about your daughter not speaking mumble made Cheerios go up my nose a little from laughing. We thought we were hip, but no, we like(d?) to listen to 'mumble' music.

omar said...

I'm so glad My Humps made this list. (shudder)

Of course, I can think of a dozen songs that I hate - right up until someone asks me. The only one that I can think of right now is that horrid horrid Cha Cha Slide song that is becoming far too popular at weddings. Horrid. That's the kind of song that makes me mad, because someone got paid to make it.

Theoretical Grammatarian said...

Can I nominate "Two Princes" by the Spin Doctors for inclusion on the list? God damn I hate that song. Also, "Mr. Jones" by the Counting Crows. Everytime either of these songs comes on the radio I get nosebleeds from the speed with which I lunge for the buttons!

Mimo said...

I am so late to this conversation, but I am so glad to see someone else hates that Christmas shoes song too! my sentiments about it are the same! Cheap play on emotions, and Surprise! The singer gets to be the great hero. GAG!

Radioactive Jam said...

"The Wiggles" - hotties? Bootylicious?! Gaah! Seeing those words in the same sentence just caused my cerebral cortex to scream in pain. People three cubes away heard the sound and wrenched their backs trying to "prarie dog" the source.

I want a lobotomy and I want it now.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Lack of blogging due to technical difficulties (Internet) and other intrusions (work).

elizabeth, I HATE the 'chile rellenos', so I don't know exactly what the top secret recipe is except I'm sure it involves a lot of cheap Crisco.

WELCOME OMAR! My kids love the cha cha slide. It beats hearing them play another round of The Hokey Pokey though or God forbid My Humps.

Theological (your name gives me a thrill!) We could have enjoyed a peaceful co-existence with those songs if only the powers that be didn't inundate every airwave with them at all hours of the day. Ever wonder why they continue to play the same crap years and years later? I do.

Yeah mimo, So moneybags, you bought a pair of cheap shoes for a down trodden kid and his dying Mom. You are SO my hero!!! True charity is silent.

radioactive, CONFESS! You know that The Wiggles possess a certain sexy charm especially the way they look in their form fitting Star Trekesque uniforms. It doesn't make you any less of a man to just admit that they're smokin HOT, and that you have a Wiggles poster plastered to the wall of your cubicle! They certainly beat out Barney, Raffi, and the cloying, annoying Elmo.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Another song that triggered nauseous feelings within me, 'Life In A Northern Town', by Dream Academy.

In a further travesty of justice my all time favorite group, Chicago, is coming to town, YAYYY! The drawback is that they're appearing alongside Huey lewis And The News, CRAP!

Hey Theological, did you notice how you guys at BNABBT have influenced my vernacular, lingos, lexicons, figures of speech, etc.? Dog In Nevaeh is a current favorite expression in this house.

Mimo said...

I don't know if I missed it, but I can NOT stand the "what if God was one of us" song. Gag, gag, gag.

But you can never put "The Copacabana" on that list. I don't care how sick you get of it.

wendela said...

(Off topic, elastic, but I think you need to see what radioactive jam posted. I laughed at his Wiggles paranoia, but then this? Just plain ol' ewww. I think he got his requested lobotomy.)

elasticwaistbandlady said...

You just don't have a high appreciation for the fine arts like I do wendela.

Don't feel bad about it though. Nobody's perfect.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Does this mean that NOBODY out there knows what 'sex and candy' means? I was counting on the superior intellect of you fine folks out there and you've let me down.

Somebody catapulted that crap song to number one a few years ago so surely they understood it. Maybe I'm just too old now to 'get it'.

wendela said...

That song doesn't bother me as it does you. Then again, no missionaries or other church-related folks have dropped in when it was playing -as happened to you. I think it means that he smells SEX and he also smells CANDY when he sees that beautiful woman. The "smell" part is not hopefully meant in a literal sense- more of when you see something you may say "I smell..." like as a kid didn't anyone who saw a tattler come into the room say, "I smell a rat!" If he meant he literally "smells sex", ummm, that could bring up all sorts of other ideas. I dunno, but she's got that disco superfly thing goin' on. She must be way cooler than I certainly can comprehend.

Theoretical Grammatarian said...

Oohh, late again, but I actually do know what "sex and candy" means. I caught an interview with what's-his-fidget, you know, the lead singer of Marcy Playground, and apparently his girlfriend's roommate came waltzing in on he and his moll post-coitus, and, sniffing, said roommate proclaimed that she smelled sex, and candy. And these are the things of which one-hit-wonders are made. For the record, he never did clarify what part the candy actually played in the affair.
And, yeah, I have a whole host of weird BNABBTity things I say, starting with actually saying "Beenabbit" to refer to the board in the first place. They've done more for corrupting the English language (at least my usage of it) than the last fifty years of declining American educational standards! (And I secretly love them for it!)