Wednesday, April 26, 2006
When The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse Are Saddling Up....
Better make sure your Anti-Cannibalism Pledge with your neighbors and friends is firmly in place.
Life as a newspaper carrier doesn't always bring heartbreak and misery. In fact, I've met some very interesting people over the years and forged a few friendships. Mrs. Sam brings her whole family out for quality bonding over rolling papers. That includes her husband, Sam (duh), and two adult kids almost my age. Oddly, even though her daughter and I are chronologically close we rarely speak to one another. Instead I laugh and joke with Mrs. Sam so much that she's offered to adopt me. She explained that she always wanted more kids. I'm not sure if that includes adding a dorky white daughter to her clan but she seems sincere. Sincere enough that my kids refer to her as "Gramma Sam", and she's given me some great Christmas and Valentine's gifts. Secretly I think she just wants to adopt me to utilize my incredible lightning fast paper rolling skills for her own benefit.
So anyway we all listen to the Coast to Coast radio program that discusses anything from U.F.O's to vampires and government conspiracies. One night they had a guest on that earned the telltale nickname of Dr.Doom due to his depressingly bleak predictions for the future of the World. Mrs. Sam and I started talking about what course of action we would take if ever there's a food shortage. I offered the suggestion of our respective dogs Reagan and Diva as possible dining alternatives. That's when the conversation turned really bizarre as we delved into ideas of cannibalism. We mock argued back and forth about why our families wouldn't be well suited for eating. I pointed out that my kids were little and less meaty than her full grown hefty adults. Mrs. Sam said that I had a lot of fat to tenderize my flesh though. Eventually the squickiness factor elevated to preposterous proportions as we pondered the grill time necessary to smoke a whole person and we elected to call a truce that our families would protect one another and that we would never turn Donner Party with zesty human marinade and barbecue skewers in the event of calamitous times.
It's comforting to know that in this crazy mixed-up World there's at least one family who's pledged to not cannibalize me and my kin no matter how dire the circumstances. It makes me rest a little easier at night.
*My 10 year old, Monkey drew the above picture since Mrs. Sam refused to pose for my camera. Perhaps she's a closeted vampire? Anyway, I love the way she drew us both skinny. Monkey may have just earned herself favorite child status*