Wednesday, April 26, 2006

When The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse Are Saddling Up....


Better make sure your Anti-Cannibalism Pledge with your neighbors and friends is firmly in place.


Life as a newspaper carrier doesn't always bring heartbreak and misery. In fact, I've met some very interesting people over the years and forged a few friendships. Mrs. Sam brings her whole family out for quality bonding over rolling papers. That includes her husband, Sam (duh), and two adult kids almost my age. Oddly, even though her daughter and I are chronologically close we rarely speak to one another. Instead I laugh and joke with Mrs. Sam so much that she's offered to adopt me. She explained that she always wanted more kids. I'm not sure if that includes adding a dorky white daughter to her clan but she seems sincere. Sincere enough that my kids refer to her as "Gramma Sam", and she's given me some great Christmas and Valentine's gifts. Secretly I think she just wants to adopt me to utilize my incredible lightning fast paper rolling skills for her own benefit.

So anyway we all listen to the Coast to Coast radio program that discusses anything from U.F.O's to vampires and government conspiracies. One night they had a guest on that earned the telltale nickname of Dr.Doom due to his depressingly bleak predictions for the future of the World. Mrs. Sam and I started talking about what course of action we would take if ever there's a food shortage. I offered the suggestion of our respective dogs Reagan and Diva as possible dining alternatives. That's when the conversation turned really bizarre as we delved into ideas of cannibalism. We mock argued back and forth about why our families wouldn't be well suited for eating. I pointed out that my kids were little and less meaty than her full grown hefty adults. Mrs. Sam said that I had a lot of fat to tenderize my flesh though. Eventually the squickiness factor elevated to preposterous proportions as we pondered the grill time necessary to smoke a whole person and we elected to call a truce that our families would protect one another and that we would never turn Donner Party with zesty human marinade and barbecue skewers in the event of calamitous times.

It's comforting to know that in this crazy mixed-up World there's at least one family who's pledged to not cannibalize me and my kin no matter how dire the circumstances. It makes me rest a little easier at night.

*My 10 year old, Monkey drew the above picture since Mrs. Sam refused to pose for my camera. Perhaps she's a closeted vampire? Anyway, I love the way she drew us both skinny. Monkey may have just earned herself favorite child status*

10 comments:

Radioactive Jam said...

I can honestly say I wish I had a similar pact with our neighbors. Maybe it's time I introduce myself and suggest same.

Skipping the arguments of course. Those can get a little dicey with strangers, even ones who share your nieghborhood.

And - favored child status - is that like Favored Nation? Where there's also several layers of More / Most / Mightily Favored statuses for committed suck-ups?

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I'm thinking of proposing that LegalDocuments.com add some Anti-Cannibal trust papers to their inventory for easy access and utillization by the general public.

Please refrain from using the word "dicey" while discussing cannibalism. Blah.

Monkey isn't my suck up child. That honor belongs to my oldest Sunbum.

Pisces Iscariot said...

We had our neighbours over for dinner last night - they were sweet.

omar said...

While I would love it if my neighbors promised not to eat me, I would be hesitant to promise to not eat them, should the need arise. I've got some meaty neighbors, and I like to keep my options open.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Hey Pisces, I knew that you of all people would be clever enough to find a legal loophole out of the anti-cannibalism treaty. I hope you had a good meal with your neighbours. I find that liver and fava beans accompanied by a glass of Chianti is especially delightful this time of year.

Omar, contact my dear friend Pisces, it appears that he's found some wiggle room around the pact.

Pisces Iscariot said...

I'm a bit concerned about my neighbour on the other side - Mr Lecter sometimes looks at us a little strangely.

Moi said...

I was just discussing with my daughters the fact that I would eat our cat if we had no food. They, of course, we're horrified, and claimed that our cat was a human being. A human being?? What are these children being taught in school? Perhaps I should homeschool my children so I can introduce them to the joys of eating alternative me. Er...not that I do that regularly, or do it at all for that matter. But I'd eat what I'd have to to keep from starving. That's why I'm so fat.

Moi said...

Uh, I meant "alternative meat" not "alternative me", lol.

wendela said...

You're more than welcomed to my neighbors. They're not too nice, but may grill well. However, looks like we may move soon (a pain but a relief at the same time), so keep your mitts off the new ones. I have a feeling they're much nicer. (I couldn't eat my cat. Or my dog. Nope. Hey, don't you guys have food storage for emergencies, other than relying, literally, on the neighbors?)

elasticwaistbandlady said...

"Alternative" meat is no good. It's tough, bitter, dark, and getting through all that black eyeliner for suitable cuts is difficult. Our punk rock neighbor is off our suitable dining list for sure.

carrot, I laughed at your comment though and as a Mother see nothing wrong with devouring a family pet in the interest of self preservation. This entry has inspired me to hit the cannery next week and stock up.

wendela, As a rule Californians are off my possibility list because I don't want granola, wheatgrass, or tofu flavored meat.