Friday, May 05, 2006

VIVA LOS INFIDELES!



Bienvenidos a mi blog! Today is Cinco De Mayo or as us antiquated Americans who haven't quite accepted the illegal invasion yet like to call it, THE FIFTH OF MAY. Listen up all you little gringos and gringas the time has come to assimilate to the Spanish culture because heaven forbid we require them to make any sort of sacrifice or learn English when they come to our great country. No, we must acquiesce to them instead. So, without further ado I, The Smiling Infidel, will be your Latino cultural/language instructor today. Don't worry if you don't pass my class maybe the wave of illegals will permit you to stay in their Estados Unidos anyway.

First lesson is that there are many different ways to say butt in Spanish. My favorite is cola because it gives asking for some cola as in soda a whole new meaning. Some dialects use the word culo instead though. Another is nalgas. Repitan clase, por favor, naaaaalllllgaaasss. Muy bien mis estudiantes! Trasero is the more refined term for the posterior area, useful knowledge if ever you are at a fine dining establishment and you need to tell the Spanish speaking lady next to you that her dress is tucked into her pantyhose thus exposing her bare nalgas or trasera.

Ya'all are doing great. Now it's time for our culture lesson of the day. While at the grocery store a few years ago my husband innocently asked me if he should purchase some sombreritos. Naturally, I didn't have a clue what that meant so I asked him. Apparently that was his veiled way of inquiring if we should buy a box of prophylactics. I started laughing and asked him why he disguised the name of it to sombreritos. Papi told me that it means "little hat" in Spanish and after all where do you put a little hat? Why, on your head of course! That's become a long running gag (literally) between us.

Mr.T pities the fool who doesn't use a sombrerito for maximum protection. As the National Sombrerito Spokesman Mr.T says, "Don't leave yourself exposed to the elements. Buy yourself a sombrerito, sucka"!

If you're going to imbibe, do it responsibly. Choose American brand cerveza and tequilas. Do you know how many American worms had their jobs wrested away by Mexican gusanos last year? The figures are heart wrenching.

The lecion manana will include learning your new National anthem, Nuestro Himno. Remember to bring your book, 'The Oppression Of Stupid Gringos', to class with you.

13 comments:

Mimo said...

I pitty the Fool!

I just learn so much every time I visit you.

Moi said...

Repite por favor...
Bah, Beh, Bee, Boh boo
El Burro sabe mas que tu.

(I can speak a little, but I sure cannot remember how to spell in Spanish)

wendela said...

Happy fifth of May. Thanks for the lección. (Sombreritos, eh?)

Julie said...

In Taiwan, the English translation for them is "insurance sleeves," and you can find them in vending machines on the street. (My brother saw them on his mission there. Keep your eyes on your companion, elder....)

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Who knew that Mr.T would come out as such a strong sombrerito advocate? Apparently he menacing pose in his intimidating sombrero scared away the men folk who cluster here. ;-)

Maybe all ye who post here are just xenophobic jingoists like me who love their country too much than to just turn it over to those who pledge no allegiance or loyalty or tax money.

Julie, I'm laughing over the insurance sleeve term. We contemplated naming our last kid Tax Deduction Number 6 but decided it might be tacky so we just dropped it in lieu of the more feminine sounding, IRS. Pronounced like Iris. Beautiful, no?

omar said...

What an excellent spokesman for birth control, Mr. T. Have you ever seen the Mr. T video with him singing that song about treating your mother right? Now I'm going to have to go find it. Sure, that may not have anything to do with the post, but how can I NOT go find it now, after it has just come up?

omar said...

http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2668992

You're welcome.

Now excuse me, I have to get off my nalgas and go do some housework.

Julie said...

Ooookay....that was a freaky video link. I'm a tad frightened by it for some reason.

elastic: Si, que bonita! My husband's oldest sister is named Iris. Good choice on your part. (Hubby's parents then went through the alphabet with names starting with I, J, K, L, M, N, O, and P.)

Pisces Iscariot said...

Not all of us are jingois... oh crap, that was a trap wasn't it?

elasticwaistbandlady said...

H.O.L.Y C.O.W!!!! Mr.T in camouflage booty shorts. If he wants come hither apparel he better stick with the more flattering sombrero. Thanks Omar for sharing that little tidbit with the entire class.

Yes Pisces it was a trap and you fell right into it, you little closeted neo-con jingoist you!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Julie, the Iris thing was just a joke. The littlest Infidel is named Melody.

Julie said...

She's darling! Melody fits her just right. Sorry for not picking up on the sarcasm. (I love the IRS joke, however.) I was serious about the I,J,K,L,M,N,O,P thing. I guess it's just as strange as my family. All of my siblings' names start with K. I'm the odd one out. Parents can be so weird.

Gia said...

Happy Belated Cinco De Mayo! Hope it was filled with music and you shook your cola!
(did I use that in the proper context?)