Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Birds Of A Feather


I have perfectly altruistic motives for wanting to win the neighborhood, "Yard Of The Month", contest. You see, the grand prize winner receives a princely sum to a local plant nursery, in the form of a gift certificate. I have that money earmarked for something special.

You can witness for yourself, from the rather exploitive photo, that our pink flamingos befell an unspeakable tragedy that spared life but took limb. My charity to raise funds for them, came up woefully short. They're increasingly hypersensitive about it too. Whenever the pantyhose commercial plays, with the tag line, "Nothing Beats A Great Pair Of L'EGGS", they whimper. We can't even enjoy our EGGO waffles for breakfast anymore because they grow petulant when we proclaim, "LEGgo my EGGO"! They tried to use their miniscule bird brains to argue with me about this, but alas, they just don't have a leg to stand on.

If I'm less than victorious in my plight for a gift certificate for my flamingos, then perhaps I could count on your sponsorship. With your generous gift, I can purchase at least one leg for my fine feathered friends. Then, they'll have a decent shot at marrying into the lap of luxury with an aging rock star. Please, won't you think of the flamingos???

16 comments:

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Lianne said...

I do love a good plastic flamingo, but I am so sorry for their loss.

Man, I'd be wanting the prize too with $$ to spend at a nursery. Good luck!

Radioactive Jam said...

Say you don't win. I might be willing to throw money at your appendage-challenged pinkos, but two things would have to happen first.
(1) Explain how they got this way.
(2) Provide some assurance it won't happen again.
Number two might be easy. Say for example your answer to #1 goes like this:
The legs were removed by a ravaging horde of space aliens, who were subsequently brought to ground by a sluggish Automated Flamingo Defense System. And while the stolen legs were already - erm. Let's say "consumed" - you recovered enough of the space ship to determine these barbaric monsters were the last of their race, with no others in existence. If so then #2 would be answered Q.E.D.

omar said...

I'm facing a bit of an internal struggle, here. Traditionally, I'm very anti-lawn ornament. But how can I deny these handicapped flamingos a second chance? It's like "Extreme Makeover, Infidel Edition." It could be a real good story if those birds got back on their feet.

I do agree with RaJ though, I'll need to find out how the legs were lost.

Syar said...

firstly, kudos on the many puns in this one.

secondly, while my heart goes out to the flamingos and your noble, sincere cause, I must be assured that

a) I will be invited to flamingo 1/2's wedding with the aging rock star and

b) I'll get a shirt that says "I put a Legless Flamingo back on its feet."

I'm all for charity, if the paraphernalia and prizes are intriguing enough. ;-)

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Look at me, I'm the belle of the ball! Getting invites and compliments all the way from Spain. I'm going to tuck a plastic red rose behind my ear now. I can't use my castanets though. It'll ruin my typing fingers.

syar, Charity is supposed to be about altruism; not free cheesy merchandise.

All of you made me smile, laugh, and experience other facial contortions with your witty comments. Here's the story:

The flamingos have never been on display in my yard. I thought that they clashed too much with my old toilet that I've converted into a planter. My toddlers were bored a few weeks ago while making a plant purchasing stop. The attendant gave them the flamingo twins to play with, and let them keep both. In this short passage of time, the flamingos have found themselves being utilized as golf clubs, their necks used in sword fighting, makeshift guitars, recipients of toddler kisses, and blunt force instruments of pain against older siblings. The legs were lost somewhere at the plant store. So, now they're kind of like a plastic flamingo version of that creepy movie, "Boxing Helena".

I hope that PETA doesn't have a hotline for plastic wildlife abuse. Last thing I need is animal rights activists protesting and throwing red paint at me.

Mimo said...

Well, at least we know it isn't something in the water!
EWL, if you win, I would like to see you get a new garden gnome. Everyone needs a little something scary in their yard to keep the little kids awake at night.

Radioactive Jam said...

When I read the words "Here's the story" I thought, Nooooooooo! Not the truth! Make up something, anything, the truth will be dull and boring!

Sorry, I don't know what came over me. Guess I forgot where I was or something; I'll try to not let it happen again.

Moi said...

I'm thinking, if you broke one of their necks, then put it back together sloppily with duct tape, they might give you the gift certificate. It's worth a try.

Moi said...

Oh, and btw, you're giving me a complex since I sent you that picture and you never replied after that. I realize I'm not model, but come on. At least say, thanks for the picture! ;)

jams o donnell said...

Here's hoping you do well in the comp but if the worst comes to the very wrots I am sure you could fit little wheels under the Flamingos....

Elizabeth-W said...

Love the image of the kiddos playing "Alice in Wonderland" with the pink croquet mallets!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

mimo, I have my heart set on purchasing one of those wooden cut-out, bend over ladies, showing their bloomers, and nothing else will do.

RAJ, when I hear those magical words, "HERE'S THE STORY", my mind immediately jumps to, "of a man named Brady"...... I had to tell the true story because the truth shall set you free.

I made poster size copies of your picture to adorn the walls of my home. I hope that doesn't creep you out, carrot, after all, I AM you're NUMBER ONE FAN!!!!!! Where's my sledgehammer?

Meals On Wheels, Hell On Wheels, Flamingo On Wheels. Hmm, that's a possibility, jams.

Yes, but they don't know what croquet is elizabeth. I don't think they know what golf is either, really. I think they just like to hit things and it resembled playing golf.

Miss Biotech said...

I still think there's life left in those flamingos. You can get some wooden or polymer sticks. Then use clay, duct tape and/or other materials and attach nice prostetic appendages to the poor plastic creatures. I know people from my country who would have done just that.
I can chip in by contributing high quality all-mighty duct tape.

Melody said...

If you want to get rid of your legless friends, I've got a spot for them next to a footless fairy. (not that there's anything wrong with that)

Syar said...

altruism schmaltruism.

lol. even I'm not that lame and stingy. point taken. here, take my money. save the poor whales...er, I mean flamingos.