Wednesday, June 14, 2006

The Ties That Bind

I thought that I'd attempt a little something special today, by telling three different stories, both past and present, and tying them all together with a common thread.

Pictured above are my new shoes purchased at the grand Memorial Day sale held at Kohl's. At a size 10, my feet are large enough to cause panic in the streets of China, and probably Pain! At The Disco, as well. I'm no junior petite, and my feet reflect that; oh, so very well. They appear to have a golden tinge to them but they're actually bronze. Papi teases me endlessly about my "goldplated" shoes. To which, I tell him that they're not gold, because I'm not a first place champion, I'm only a third place loser. So, now he's started calling me "Hercules", every time I wear them.

(I have hideous, ant bitten, ugly-toed, feet. Refrain from examining too close, as it will be to your ocular peril)

As a kid, I had a friend with a yellowish mutt dog, also named, Hercules. One day, Hercules escaped from the yard and I assisted her in trying to locate and retrieve him. We walked up and down the street, yelling his name at the top of our lungs. Finally, we caught the attention of an old lady at the corner house who wrinkled her nose and asked, "What did you say"? We told her that we were calling for Hercules. Then she smiled and said,"Oh mercy me! I thought you two were screaming HERPES, all this time". We didn't know what that meant, but my Mom had a big laugh about it.

My Mom is an oft married and betrothed woman. My last stepfather came into the picture around my twelfth birthday. Looking back, I suppose that subconsciously, I wanted to sabotage their relationship. When the romance was still in it's infancy, I cut out a magazine ad that had amused me. It featured two people, walking hand in hand on the beach, looking at each other with eyes of love. The caption above read, "The hardest thing she ever had to face, was telling Roger about having HERPES". I don't know what possessed me, or why I thought it would be funny, but I pasted that ad right onto a piece of construction paper, and made a makeshift card out of it. Then, I signed my Mom's name on the inside and left it out for her new beau to find. I still didn't really know what herpes was, only that it must be something very shameful to have such a dramatic, full page ad. My Mom was pissed, to say the least. My future stepdad, Don, looked a bit concerned, and I got a spanking that I still remember to this day.

Thank you Mom...................for letting me live.


Zebigleb said...

Yuh ! Nice Blog

the flying monkeys said...

You are on our blogroll and I enjoyed the discussion on poor mouth. Lets link up blogs?

Hope you stop by at mine sometime.

Miss Biotech said...

What mighty fine shoes you got there Infidel!!! How sparkly and lovely. I like the bronze. Maybe Papi is envious, hence the teasing.

The secod story is funny. But was the old lady so hard of hearing, or is there something more to her comment. Where are Freud or Jung when you need them.

The third story made me laugh. Actually I am still chuckling.

BTW, FLICKR is not the same without you. You have been reneging on your duties way too long. Take heed, Infidel.Do what is right. Post something.

Pamela said...

I found your blog via another woman's blog. (Your mom's?) At any rate, you are one witty woman. I enjoyed the story here and the other posts that I've read.

I plan to come back. Thanks for making me laugh!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Thank you, Frenchie!

obokun, You were highly respectable in your argument, and I behaved as a brash and surly brat. I hold Communist ideology in the lowest of regards. As I do those who would ruthlessly murder to silence the opposition. I'm just a pick-up truck driving, flatulence joke loving, non-intellectual Texan, but if you want to link me up, fine. More opportunity to reach my goal. World Domination...........

miss biotech, If you're really, really nice to me, I may allow you to TOUCH my shiny, splendiferous shoes. Emphasis on the "if". I neglected to mention that while repeatedly calling out, "Hercules", it got sloppy sounding like, "HERKLES". Perhaps that gives you more insight. I told my Mom that I blogged the herpes story. Twenty years later, and she's still not amused. Good thing I'm not in line to inherit a vast fortune. :)

Hello, Pamela is one of my kids favorite TOTO songs. I can't believe I just admitted that we have a favorite TOTO song.

Lianne said...

I love that story!!! I hope you still carry that sass and spark with you today... spanking not withstanding.

LOVE the shoes, by the way. I bought green shoes on Saturday.. cute, but not nearly as glitzy.

Elizabeth-W said...

My girls are on a Hercules kick right now. They watch Wishbone's version, which I like, and the Disney version which I abhor (but DH will occasionally rent for them since I won't buy it). Anyway, my baby calls it Her kuh lees.

jams o donnell said...

Ha! Call those feet ugly??? If you are REALLY unlucky I will photograph mine and post them to my blog.

Taking my footwear off in a public constitutes a war crime under the Geneva Convention

wendela said...

Love your stories. You must have really disliked your mom's boyfriend. Pretty funny, though. Sounds like something my mom would have done- as a child, she was excellent at trying to sabotage any attempt at a relationship for my widowed grandma.

The sandals: bronze/gold? Hmm. I guess they could match the tiara. And a fitting color for you, the trophy wife (umm, 'cuz trophies are that color??)

elasticwaistbandlady said...

lianne, Real life, having 6 kids in 7 years, working manual labor, have all contributed to extracting some of my sass. However, snarkiness levels remain at an all time high. I saw your green shoes, and now I'm green too. With envy. I rarely buy shoe colors outside of neutrals because I don't have much of a clothing budget to work with and I need versatility. BOGO sale at Payless is my heart's fondest desire come true.

My oldest daughter is consumed with Greek mythology and has read numerous books about it. Seems that the modern overhaul of his image covers up his infanticide crimes. I suppose that wouldn't be a sparkly and happy tale for Disney to produce though.

For shame on you jams. Letting your competitive spirit get the best of you. If it's an ugly feet contest you want, then you got it. We'll let fellow bloggers be the judge. Oh, and as fair warning, my feet have been known to make a grown man whine and plead. While lying in bed, my husband usually begs, "PLEEEEEASE get your feet off of me", or "You just cut me with your jagged toenail". *sigh* At least I'm perfect in every other way.

wendela, Like most trophy wives, I'm attracted to sparkly things. Alas, my budget doesn't allow for precious gems like my counterparts. I have to sate my extravagant tastes with cheap shiny sandals. As far as stepdads go, Don wasn't too bad.

I'm not kidding when I say that my Mom threw a fit yesterday when I told her that I blogged the unfortunate Herpes story. My uncle and my Dad, (her first husband), read my blog occasionally, and she doesn't think they'll see it as being funny. I thought time heals all wounds, and that eventually we can all laugh at something like this. Apparently not.

omar said...

Herpes would be a funny name for a dog. I firmly believe I could convince someone that it's Greek for "good dog."

I'm not sure why they didn't think the herpes ad was funny... I thought everyone loved a little herpes humor.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I love Herpes, as well as all communicable disease humor, Omar. When the STD Comedy Jam Tour rolls into Houston, I am like, so there.

Suzie Petunia said...

You were a hilarious and EVIL little girl! I can't believe they still got married. I love the free-flowing stream of conciousness feel to this post. :)

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Yep Suzie, I was wearing my black beret, black shades, and black turtleneck while writing this post. I alternated between typing and playing bongo drums, because that's just the kind of "cool cat" I am, daddio.