Friday, June 16, 2006

Chronicles Of Appalling Parenting: Chapter Five


This moment in classic INFIDEL gardening history brought to you in part by a grant from The Mommy Dearest Society Of America. "May all your hangers be padded".
Three of my kids harbor an extreme aversion to getting wet outside of a shower or the pool. Even if it's just a few droplets, they completely freak out about it and throw a pouty little leprechaun tantrum. I say leprechaun because they stomp their feet like they're performing an Irish jig.

So, my Melody thought she escaped from my evil clutches by running into the presumed safety of our house. There she stood in the window taunting me and sticking out her tongue. Unfortunately for her, she neglected to notice that the window was wide open to catch a rare cross breeze blowing through. Taking full advantage of this, I made my move. The blast of the water hose on "JET" setting, easily hit its mark. The force of gushing water startled Melody so bad that she just froze in a pose of disbelief. Finally, she started screaming at the top of her lungs and ran to get Papi so that she could tattle on me. Melody kept telling Papi, "Mommy's bad girl. You need to spank her". As though that's even a punishment for me.

In summary, yeah, I had to wipe up all the water inside the house. Yeah, it was a mean thing to do. Yeah, I did laugh myself silly about it. There goes my "Mother Of The Year" nomination.

14 comments:

omar said...

I too have an aversion to unnecessarily getting wet. As far as I'm concerned though, the shower is the only necessity. Pools do not count.

I'm a blast at water parks.

But anyway, nice work on spraying the kid.

Elizabeth-W said...

Again, you list these things as appalling, but this is standard fare around here. Isn't there a better word than appalling? How about "all's fair in love and war" parenting?

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I have a terrible problem with overactive salivary glands Omar. We must never meet in person for conversation. Hitting an unsuspecting, non-moving target isn't laudable, but it is pretty funny. My Mom takes my teenage brother to Splashtown water park every week. I love it, because then we get together and gossip about all the fat women in bikinis she saw, along with the usual fare like really nasty tattoos and people with C-section scars and stretch marks letting it all hang out.

It IS appalling behavior to the more genteel among us elizabeth. How about, "Dr.Spock Is Rolling Over In His Grave" parenting?

Elizabeth-W said...

Did that "us" regarding the genteel include you, or the other people who read your blog? ;)
Okay, I can accept that title. My 2 year old is driving me nutty, and I am just about to the point of putting soap in her mouth.
I had a good friend in college who was taking an antidepressant that gave her hyper-spit (usually they give people dry mouth). It was very entertaining to us, only a little less so for me as I was the recipient of said spit when riding on the back of her scooter.

Lianne said...

Oh no, you are the EVIL mother of the year! I so would have done the EXACT same thing (which as we know, doesn't make it right, but it does make it funny)

BTW, LOVE your comments in Omarville.

wendysue said...

Sometimes I do that to my cat sitting in the window . . .completely by accident, I swear!!

wendela said...

Sounds pretty normal to me.

By the way, what does elizabeth-w look like? She is the stealth blogger....

I just saw on the Weather Channel your city has flooding, elastic. Did you get a little carried away with that hose?

Moi said...

Sorry, but we already voted for Mother of the year, and they voted for me ;)
It's because of my cooking skills.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I don't know what elizabeth looks like but carrot and I now know what each other looks like. Blogger goddesses are we.

Sounds as though lianne, wendysue and I have a mean streak in us. Awesome.

Yes, wendela, three days straight of rain. Heavy rain. Super duper, the sky is falling down kind of rain. Can't blame it all on my excessive watering. Although, I am occasionally drunk with power. Ruling over who lives or dies in the plant World.

carrot, Maybe I can be your runner up? Then, on the very off chance that something might happen to you like, oh say, food poisoning, then I get to be the WINNER!

Radioactive Jam said...

As parents you gotta love those Teachable Moments. Funny how kids don't seem to appreciate them, you know? And then they wonder why lessons get repeated.

Suzie Petunia said...

An aversion to water? Have you read Wicked? Your daughter is Elphaba! And that would make you Dorothy. Or something like that.

Elizabeth-W said...

What is this comment about what I look like? Is someone going to steal my image and put my face on someone else's body?? Not that I'd mind as long as the body belonged to someone in a single-digit dress size :)

Lia said...

Pretty funny to me, although I would probably kill anyone who did that to me. It all depends on which side of the hose you're on.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Yeah Suzie, I got my ruby red slippers on right now.

It's nice to put a face to a name, elizabeth. I always imagine you in pale face with a huge red velvet crown on your head enveloped in a fur robe, but maybe that's just me.

lia, Ain't that the truth.