Monday, July 03, 2006

Just A Doin' What Comes Natur'lly.........


After a delightful fajita dinner, Papi and I laid down last night to catch a few hours of sleep before beginning a whole new week of tedious work. The glorious silence and darkness of our room was instantaneously shattered by a low rumbling noise followed by an intensely rotten egg smell that made my toes curl. Bleah, us carnivores emit extra stinkiness. Disgusted, but not about to be outdone by an amateur tooter like Papi, I unleashed my most furious, extended version helicopter fart. It echoed and ricocheted throughout the room for a solid 10 seconds. I rolled into a fetal position and shook the bed with hysterical laughter.

Papi took offense at my individual gaseous expression. Gaw, he's such a sore loser, I can't help it that I'm naturally gifted in the fart arts. So, remembering the song from one of my favorite musicals, "Annie Get Your Gun", I mockingly sang the classic, "Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you". I wager Annie Oakley could outshoot and outfart her man too.

I may have stumbled upon the real reason that Papi passionately hates musical theater.

17 comments:

omar said...

I'm a little grossed out, yet I still feel compelled to give you a high-five for your victory.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Omar, I'd really like to say that I'm savoring the sweet smell of success, but that would be a downright lie.

Radioactive Jam said...

Seems like the two of you had your own musical theater going. What's to hate?

Savoring the sweet smell of success: I'd guess two out of four. Possibly three. Really, you could go with all four; it's pretty subjective when you get right down to it.

And by 'helicopter' I assume you mean something like those air-shattering, thrumming monster Coast Guard types and not the buzzing news-crew variety, yes?

jams o donnell said...

DId you have any nice carminative beans with the fajita? we find that pulses really do provide that wonderful bass rumble that makes a fart perfection, the Paul Robeson touch so to speak

Moi said...

Wow, reminds me of the broadway tune "You'll never fart alone". What a sweet moment for the both of you.

Elizabeth-W said...

I was wondering if you're good at belching, too. I have this hypothesis that those who are good tooters are good burpers?

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Well Raj, it was more like a Battle Of The Bands:Tuba Edition, than musical theater. You know that I'm a perfectionist, so I struck with the veracity of a deadly military assault copter. I think Papi was close to losing consciousness for a few minutes. Mission accomplished, sir. Over and out.

You Britons and your fancy speak, jams. I had to look up carminative, thus giving me a new vocabulary word with which to articulate my gas stories with. Yes, we ate refried beans; legendary for their carminative powers.

"You'll Never Fart Alone". That's an instant classic, carrot. Thanks for the rumbling............LAUGH!

Actually no, elizabeth, I rarely burp. Good hypothesis, needs more research and data to back up speculative theory though. I'm sure that you can find ample willing test subjects in the Young Men program. :)

christo said...

Hmm, I wonder if the farts smelled of blueberries... That'll be... sweet?

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Christo, I listen to an interesting talk radio program during the nights and they once featured a nutritionist discussing the fact that vegetarians and Vegans have sweeter smelling farts and, um.... ahem, bodily fluids, than carnivores do. Something about the animal proteins and fat breaking down in a persons body leads to quite a stench.


Maybe jams, the official Vegan poster of The SMiling Infidel blog can deny or confirm this conjecture. So, jams, are you telling us that your farts don't stink? If true, then your home must be a little slice of Heaven on Earth. :)

Radioactive Jam said...

I'm sorry to say I have victim's experience with gaseous emissions resulting from someone else's consumption of the vegan staple known as tofu.

'Sweeter?' If that's another word for "overpowering, lingering stench able to traumatize and/or scorch nasal passages for incredibly long periods of time" then yes. The smell doesn't kill you so much as simply make you wish you were dead.

My guess is that nutritionist simply hates people and wants to hurt them.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Oops, I forgot that we have two jams here. Now I'm in a jam. Raj, are you a Vegan too? Is it possible to have TWO Vegans in one tiny piece of cyberspace?

Holy cow, I guess that means that I'll have to break out the falafel and Veggie Burgers when we party. And maybe a case of Beano too.

Radioactive Jam said...

No, sorry for the misdirection. By describing myself as 'victim' I meant someone else was the tofu-eating stench generator.

wendela said...

Well, ya know I usually stay outta these stinky discussions, elastic, but just wanted to send you a Happy 4th of July greeting.

Beano can only do so much. And, usually, (banning the tofu situation) vegan gas stench isn't as bad.
Enjoy the holiday and lotsa baked beans with your family!

jams o donnell said...

I can assure you that our farts smell!! I am not sure they are that ripe. Nevertheless we do have fun trying to give a rebuttal if the other breaks wind... as for the Dutch Oven!

What we do not aspire to is being another Petomane like Joseph Pujol. Now there is a role model.

jams o donnell said...

ps I hope you are all enjoying your public holiday

Elizabeth-W said...

You know that book Everyone Far** says that vegetarians toot a lot but with less stink, and that carnivores poot less but stink to high heaven. As a person who has lived exclusively vegan, and then vegetarian, and now little meat, I really haven't noticed that much difference. But compared to my husband who is way more carnivorous, I can objectively say (with my daughters as judges) that daddy stinks waaayy more than mommy.
[As an aside, you know what I can't abide? Asparagus pee. Is that too much info? ;) ]

elasticwaistbandlady said...

raj, I'm so very disappointed to see you jumping on the "victimhood mentality" bandwagon. Buy some nose plugs and take that curdled tofu smell like a MAN.

Thank you wendela for stooping to down and responding to such a primal post. I've gone awhile without a fart story and I felt the need to get back to my roots. We didn't eat baked beans yesterday, just broccoli. Save me, Febreeze!

Jams, thanks for that inspiring link about Pujol. A "professional farter"? I may have found a new career direction in my life. Glad to know that us carnivores don't suffer stank alone. Why should Vegans be left out of the flatulence fun?

Asparagus pee? I must don my lab coat and do research on that one. Papi is stinkier than me. Oh well, I can't win at every competition with him.