Thursday, September 21, 2006

Chronicles Of Appalling Parenting: Chapter Six

Click On The Title For An Amusing Surprise.

In yet another thrill-a-minute installation from the continuing journal of poor parenting practices implemented at the house of The Smiling Infidel, we bring you episode number 6 entitled, "You Don't Know SQUAT."

Delivering 6 babies in 7 years, and changing diapers nonstop for a decade, permanently alters brain function and capability. I'm holding constant exposure to overpowering toxic fumes culpable for my mind warp. Back then my days were nothing but crap. Literally. Cleaning crap from babies, dog, lovebirds, myself. If only we knew how to harness the power of methane gas at home...............

What does it mean when a child suddenly stops, drops, and grunts? I think we all know the answer to that question. Countless times I felt dread welling up in my heart as I recognized the straining sounds coupled with the loathed squat position. It could only bring poopy diaper changing sorrow for me and monetary happiness for the Diaper Genie company and Huggies. My once sound mind is defiled with the imprinted connection between squatting and cleaning feces out of the every dimpled crevice of a squirming toddler. Not pleasant.

It all started out on a whim; whenever one of my kids would stoop down and close their eyes, I'd rush over and playfully topple them while yelling out, "No squatting allowed!" This patented caca warfare tactic usually surprised them enough that I could then proceed to scoop them up to make an emergency toilet run, thereby avoiding unnecessary butt scrub duty.

My poor example has irrevocably tarnished the otherwise genteel nature of my impressionable children. They're scarred to the point that they cannot tolerate seeing anybody squat down without having to suppress the urge to push them over, and triumphantly declare, "Hey! No squatting!" Every single one of my children has guiltily engaged in this unbecoming behavior. They terrorized their peer group at camp two years ago. Nobody felt safe to crouch in the presence of my two older girls. Nobody. Sunbum acted as a one woman S.Q.U.A.T team as she ambushed a whole group of squatting boys; knocking them over like bowling pins. So far, my spawn have managed to control their "push and run" impulses. Only kids their age and fellow siblings are likely to fall prey to the oppressive "No Squat" regimist task force. I sincerely hope that they can continue to contain the squatting fury that roils inside of them.

Perhaps, this is the year that our homeschool studies should include a few lessons on "Squatter's Rights." Unless a territory is labeled, "A No Squat Zone", then legally they don't have the right to prevent others from enjoying a good squat in public. I'm hoping to at least get them to a mental place where they can watch, "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon", without telling the characters, "Get up! No squatting!" Such lofty goals, have I.

25 comments:

jams o donnell said...

LOL elasticwaistbandlady, your kids have a new take on the expression "you don't get squat"....

Radioactive Jam said...

The concept of a S.Q.U.A.T. team awes and inspires me.

Syar said...

I was laughing when you said "harness the power of methanol". please don't take this to be condescending but I'm sure you meant methane. I laughed however, because I can picture you and your brood running a moonshine operation. in a positive dukes of hazzard way. :-)

you should make this SQUAT team into a movie.

I love my new link name by the way. More people should realize that the best atrraction in Malaysia is me. :-D

No Cool Story said...

This is what came to mind as I read your post.

I second the movie idea: S.Q.U.A.T Team...in a world...where squating is prohibited...

A Payne said...

Nothing better than a poop story.

christo said...

The word "squat" has really negative connotations. I've seen a many men squatting and exposing their cracks. NOT NICE TO SEE.

And Syar, can I be the second best attraction?

elasticwaistbandlady said...

SYAR,
Come experience MAMA JO's Down Home Poop Moonshine. It'll cure what ails ya!

Now, why is it that two smart guys like RAJ and jams didn't catch that oopsy first? Maybe they didn't want to hurt my feelings?

The funniest thing about all this is that you can drop a Dukes Of Hazzard reference from Malaysia and know that people will understand what you mean on a global scale. YEEEE HAAAAWWWWW!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

jams, Yes, this home IS a squat free zone.

RAJ, Not only do we have a S.Q.U.A.T team, but we also have our own cheesarific funky disco theme song.

A payne, AMEN!

christo, I know what you mean. I have to distract my kids whenever we pass the weight lifting room at the gym. That's all I need is for them to start pushing over weightlifters. Although, they are squatting, red faced, and straining and grunting too just like toddlers. Nasty.

NCS, I'm laughing at the idea of the SQUAT team movie.

Radioactive Jam said...

Oh man I just now clicked on the title link. Is that one babe doing something like a Funky Chicken or what?

I think my eyeballs are scorched. I *know* my brain is.

And yes, I was just being nice about the methanol thing. That's my story and thanks for suggesting it.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

LOL @ "butt scrub duty." So succinct. I'm so glad I'm almost done with the poopy diaper thing.

Sketchy said...

LOL!! Too funny! You had me at "the power of methanol..."

Mimo said...

LOL! Yet another entertaining edition of TSI! Thanks for giving me more ideas for potty training! 3 down, 1 left to go! :)

the flying monkeys said...

what an inspiring concept...nice post e-lady...greetings from the flying monkeys

scrapbookingmomma said...

I feel for you with diaper duty really, over the past 12 years i have had poopy butts with two small breaks small breaks between kids. It gets old, really old.

mullet said...

I don't know how you do it..6 kids! How much have you spent on nappies to date? (i'm assuming you used disposables)

Syar said...

I've been warned by Jam, but I'm so tempted to click. and chris, you'll have to duke it out with nadia for second best. good luck.

Elizabeth-W said...

I have three friends right now who are all pregnant, and I was feeling a little jealous. But this post has helped curb my baby urges.
That, and when I went VTing this AM, the lady's 3 year old has had stomach flu for a week, and has had the kind of runs that only a bath will take care of. She was lysol'ing her house like crazy. I told her I have a horrible head cold and can't smell a thing, and she was grateful to know I couldn't smell how bad her house stunk. Poor thing.
My kids never squatted--they'd just stop and get a sort of serious look on their face--watchful--like they thought they heard the phone ring or something.

Lia said...

That animation really quite scared me.

Squatters rights, huh? A whole new chapter in Civics. Is it coincidence that the first three letters of my WV are KGB?

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Thank you for all your recent comments my fellow diaper changing Poopeteers both past and present!

Just when baby fever starts flaring up again I just have to think about starting over with crappy diapers, teething, nursing, cracked and bloody nipples..... oops was that a bit TMI? Anyway, I love babies but I think I may be past my butt powdering prime.

scrapbookingmomma said...

I don't even know how much the diaper bill has been, don't want to know. The 1st kids had cloth diapers for one year, kinda nasty but economical. He's the only one that I had that pleasant experience. Disposal all the way.

Julie said...

That old lady squat picture is on the squat machine at the Curves I go to. The machine is nicknamed "The Beast," and for good reason, too. Maybe having your kids go there and do S.Q.A.T. patrol would help get rid of the thing....

Mimo said...

I tried your tecnique this week and was successfull on two attmepts! Yesterday she was asking me to go, but was sadly too late.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

scrapping mama, I feel your pain. Did you know that in Russia and other Balkan countries they start potty training children while still in infancy? That would be ideal.

Thank you mimo. I may start calling myself a Potty Guru now. Look for my full line of potty training products next to the full line of all the Dr.Phil and everybody who has ever been related to Dr.Phil merchandise. Maybe I'll change my last name to McGraw too to increase sales.

Pottymouth Mom-That sounds like an offer for their first official contract! They want to be paid in burritos. We'll have to work that into contract negotiations.

Toni said...

I am about to pee on myself giggling over this!

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