Monday, September 25, 2006

From The Infidel WTH? Files.......

Do you remember the story in which I regaled you of the trials and travails of having the most sought after crusty van in all of suburbia? Okay, it happened again today thus obliterating our old record of one inquiry a month to two just for September.

So, I'm out doing some Fall gardening and I was bent all the way over with my enormous bum up in the air pulling weeds when a black Chevy pickup truck came cruising by real slowly. I straightened up to see two young guys in the cab with the driver leaning out the window, mouth agape. I wanted to tell him that we're poor folks and I know seeing my huge arse up close like that probably temporarily affected his vision but we don't carry "Butt Blindness Insurance."

My son, Buster said, "You know what Mom? I think they're going to ask if they can buy our van." I scoffed at him, I mean we already met our crazy people wanting to take ownership of a crappy green van quota for the month. Well, they passed my driveway, backed up, and called out to me, "Hey lady! Is that green van for sale?" Total surprise gripped us, and my girls fell over laughing while Buster kept pumping his fist in the air gloatingly screaming, "I knew it! I knew it!"

I do hate being such a wily little vixen playing with the van lusting hearts of men. Well, sometimes. Maybe I really should start charging admission and taking people on a crusty van tour right in my own driveway.

SEE the tattered remains of my Bush/Cheney 2000 sticker. (Man, that really was soooo yesterday)

FEEL the awesome power that is 2 working speakers out of 8.

EXPERIENCE the fun of the "Guess That Smell" game being played right on the van's first bench seat where baby car seats have sat for 8 years plus.

LIVE like you're a bonafide member of a lower middle class family for 30 exhilarating minutes. All yours for a small one time fee!


mullet said...


No Cool Story said...

Got nuthin'.

So, were these guys also hispanic or white? it'd be interesting to keep a record of their ethnicity, age range, etc, you know, for fun!
Bet you don't have anything else to do with your life right?

scraphappymama said...

That is hilarious. I can't believe random people just pop in trying to buy your van. You definitely should start selling tickets and rake in the cash!!!

Elizabeth-W said...

I wonder if "is your van for sale?" code for something else. A secret password these people think will score them some, what? I'm trying to think of a clever black-market item. Or a spy phrase? Maybe some mole drives a certain van, and you look drive said mole's same van. So the next person asks you about the van, respond in an equally cryptic way and see what happens.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I went looking for a picture that would symbolize the expression of SURPRISE!!!!! Ummm, yeah, I think this picture fit the bill quite nicely.

NCS- So far Hispanic males outnumber Caucasian males in the inquiry department. The majority are young with only a small percentage landing in the middle age range. This is very important marketing info. to target a certain demographic for ad purposes when I start selling VAN TOUR tickets.

scraphappymama-I'll include you on our exclusive Friends and Family discount package. Since you're my little Monkey's favorite Primary teacher, I'll even allow you to honk the horn......FOR FREE!!!!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

elizabeth- Moles don't drive. They just make people like Enrique Iglesias and CIndy Crawford famous while making the rest of us worry about cancer and the black hairs sticking out of them. How's this for a cryptic response to the next passerby?

The loinclothed chicken dances at midnight underneath the Milky Way candy bar.


The keys are in it, dude, and we have full coverage theft insurance.

jams o donnell said...

What an excellent idea elasticwaistbandlady. Surely it is set to become one of the tourist attractions of Texas! Why stop at Houston when you could franchise the experience across the USA? Open a franchise here and I can imagine that the tourists won't bother with the Tower of London again!

SalGal said...

I must not read such humour while coughing up a lung. The other one is sure to collapse!

That said, I know why your van is in such high demand.

BMW's (that's Big Mormon Wagon for the uninitiated) don't come in this color any more.


christo said...

If I were to visit you, I must get myself Butt Blindness Insurance. Or some form of shades that block the greatness that it is.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Again jams, I'm offering you a reduced price ticket on the friends and family package when we do our European leg of the Worldwide Crusty Van Tour 2006. I wonder if I can get a cute little tour guide hat when I hit London? Maybe something monogrammed with INFIDEL across the front.

Hello salgal, you seem pleasant enough on the surface, but I know that deep down inside you're harboring feelings of jealousy that I have such a sweet little automobile. Don't be a hata salgal!

I don't know chris, Butt Blindness Insurance Rates are quite steep. You'll have to purchase additional coverage for cases of butts clad in leopard print hot pants, and cottage cheese leg baring booty shorts.