Monday, September 04, 2006

Don't Mess With Mother Nature

When Man And Beast Collide
(SHUT UP! This is so NOT an ode to bestiality. Sicko!)

My beloved Infidel Mobile suffered a few minor wounds last week after a freakish accident. I throw a rural paper route out in the boondocks on Mondays. Buttloads of lovely scenery, minimal traffic flow, cool country breezes, and wildlife galore. However, as Crocodile Hunter learned today, even a friend of nature can be struck down in a heartbeat.

A month ago, Sunbum and I encountered the mythical "wasp of the undead." This annoying thing just adamantly refused to go away or die. Not unlike Paris Hilton, except she's a W.A.S.P, not a wasp. This creature flew into our truck causing Sunbum to hurdle from the back seat to the front with amazing agility. I slammed on the brakes, turned around, and then squashed it with a rolled up paper. This thing laid in scattered pieces against the back window. Yet, a mile further down the road, Sunbum again scaled the seat shrieking, "It's ALIVE! It's ALIVE!" I openly mocked her, but then, out of the corner of my eye, I witnessed the tiny wings flapping and the antennae moving around. Horrified, we both jumped out of the car screaming. Wielding my newspaper instrument of death, I began smacking the wasp again. A concerned resident came outside to check on all the commotion. Sunbum had fits of hysterical tears streaming down her face, while I couldn't stop laughing. I assured her that everything was fine, and I picked up the wasp particles in a plastic bag to dispose of it. I couldn't resist shaking the bag at Sunbum one last time and telling her, "Look! It's still moving". Yes, she started screaming again. Obviously, I'm an unfit Mother.

Last week, we lived through another live edition of "When Animals Attack". Summer sees explosive deer population growth, and they meander around foraging for food and trying out for Bambi:The Musical! God graced them with incomparable beauty to compensate for their incomparable stupidity. The deer hordes often run out in front of my truck at the very last possible minute, forcing me to swerve. Playing a game of "chicken" with deers really sucks. I always lose. I spied the two does at the side of the road from a fair distance and prepared to step on the brake. Sure enough, they dashed across the road, causing me to come to an abrupt squealing halt, and sending Sunbum and I violently lurching forward, rendering our neck and shoulder instantly sore. Luckily, I did miss colliding with those two deers, only to have a stray buck dart out of nowhere and crash headfirst into my truck, both denting it, and damaging the bumper. Startled, the deer got up and ran off into the woods. Happy ending for deer lovers, sad ending for Ford truck lovers, and venison eating people.

And All My Hope Is Gone.......
(Morrissey understands completely)

Featured in the top frame, is the remaining figment of what was once a majestic flowering Esparanza bush filled with sunny yellow blooms. The bottom photo, illustrates how it looked in all its former glory, before the hot Texas sun laid waste to it. Esparanza means "Hope" in Spanish, therefore, I am now completely hopeless.

Well Done Boobs
(But I ordered medium rare)

And finally, I took the kids out to the pool a few days ago sans sunscreen; for ME, not for them. Let's just say that I'm glad my name isn't Robin, because I would henceforth be referred to as "Robin Red Breast". I'll have to curtail wearing V-Neck shirts until the sunburn subsides, lest someone assumes that I am indeed the infamous "Scarlet Infidel", with a scathing mark branded across my chest to prove it. Notice the lack of corroborating photos on this one? Nature has proven itself cruel and vengeful enough without me temporarily blinding you with my natural assets too.


Julie said...

Condolences on the bumper, bush, and boobs. Bummer.

Word verification of the day? TGHCF. Thank Goodness Hell Comes on Friday?

Mimo said...

Wow, if I was you, I'd stay indoors for the rest of my life. Scary Mother Nature doesn't seem to like you much :(

Lianne said...

Wasp, huh? If it was your animal totem you would learn this from it:

"The wasp teaches those with this medicine how to use diversity to their advantage. Balancing all aspects of the various species is an art in itself and can take a lifetime to accomplish. By observing the wasp we can learn how to shape shift our outer image and become more connected to our inner knowing."

Shape shifting sounds very useful. Let me know how it goes.

Becky said...

get one of those critter whistles for your bumper, and the deer will steer clear of you.

wait - did someone say wasps? ahhh! i hate wasps! and beeeees! i freaking hate bees! ahhh! (runs away screaming)

jams o donnell said...

Hmm ewbl, avoid nature for a while and NEVER forget your suncream!

Animaks and cars do not mix.. okay a poor hedgehog, cat or fox will be flatened by a car but larger beasts ..... A former colleague of mine was driving home from work when he ploughs into a cow. The Cow goes over the car writing it off in the process and trapping him inside. The cow gets up and saunters off.

the flying monkeys said...


christo said...

Ugh. I is hate them wasps too! Theys likes to stings at me. (Inspired by some weird game I played recently)

Syar said...

When Man And Beast Collide

what does W.A.S.P stand for anyway? I read the whole of bonfire of the vanities not knowing.

and yeah, animals. tricky little buggers.

And all my hope is gone

my condolences. What a sad day, first Steve Irwin, now your beloved Hope Bush. *tear*

Well Done Boobs

Love the title. and LOL. I hope the sunburn doesn't sting though. pictures?

elasticwaistbandlady said...

No Julie, Terrific Girls Have Cankled Feet. That would be You and Me! Hooray!

mimo-No kidding. I went to work tonight and I swear the deer were mocking my bumper because it now sags at the corner like a frowny face. "No one likes a frowny face, change it for a smile." :(

interesting lianne, But I don't care to take on the body of anything that can be taken down with a rolled up newspaper.

Becky- I freakin hate bees more than you freakin hate bees. Queen One-Upper strikes again!

jams, The commercials here tout Ford vehicles as being "FORD tough". HA! Papi lost a fight in his Ford Focus car to, are you ready for this?, a nasty armadillo. Hitting the armadillo caused extensive damage to his bumper and the fiberglass underpinning thingy. Yes, a small mammal beat our "Ford Tough" vehicle. Bet you won't see that death match simulated on any of the FORD ads.

What happened Monkey? Did this entry TITTILATE you? I'm so punny. :o

christo-Sho nuf! Them critters be ornerier than my cuz and first husband, Billy Bob, after loosin the pissin contest to Lurlene. Boy howdy!

Thanks Syar! WASP's are White Anglo Saxon Princesses. Sadly, due to the lower socio-economic circumstances of my birth and current lifestyle status, I am a Whie Anglo Saxon Pissant or a Peon, on a good day. I'm saving my booby pictures for a special occasion, syar. Like when I'm tired of blogging and I want to drive everyone away, screaming into the night.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

Gollllllleeee. You've been busy.

Noxema feels good on sunburns.

I thought WASP stood for "White Anglo-Saxon Protestant." But who knows what religion Paris is (if any).

the flying monkeys said...

Now thats really so not "tutu"

Julie said...

FORD. Fix Or Replace Daily. Found On Road Dead.

That's why I don't own a Ford. (No offense meant, however, to those who love Fords.)

Terrific Girls Have Cankled Feet. I love it! You've just boosted my self image. Consider your daily service goal complete.

jams o donnell said...

Ford tugh? hmm my dad used to build them and has a few tales to tell about said company!

wendela said...

I thought that bumper looked suspiciously like a Ford product (having previously had a similar vehicle with similar maladjustment). So little I know about Texas. Had no idea there were deer around the Houston area.

Sorry to see the Esperanza shriveled up. :( As for the chest, next time you're outside in the sun, stencil something interesting. May make the pain a bit more worth it.

Shape shifting? Wasn't that in Sky High? "SIIIIDEKICK!" You're no sidekick, elastic. (Guess you'd hafta know the movie.)

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Yes Millie, I HAVE been busy working cause there ain't nothin going on but the rent, baby!

Julie and Jams, We're a FORD brand loyal family, and I've driven their vehicles for nearly 14 years. The few Chevrolets we've bought were the suckiest.

Wendela, I'm strictly superhero material only with absolutely no sidekick filler! We have lots of deer around here, but then we live a fair distance outside the city. No, my boobs were not meant to be showcased as works of art. The peeling has already begun!

omar said...

Plant killer!

We have a lot of deer in this area as well, and it simultaneously makes me laugh and get mad when I hear those "a deer hit my car" stories. I'd think natural selection would weed those ones out, yet they never die. They just go around running into cars, then trotting off. Not that killing them off is my #1 solution, I'd rather see an extensive deer training/certification program that deer are required to take. But who has time to put that together? Shooting 'em is way easier.