Thursday, September 14, 2006

Pieces Of Me

No, not "Pieces Of Me" like the execrable Ashlee Simpson song. Strictly for your blogging entertainment pleasure, I shall attempt to dissect myself for all the World to see. Please no snap photography or plaintive cries of, "AAARRRRGGGHHH! She blinded me with science!" Thank you for your cooperation. Bring on the formaldehyde! I desperately need self preservation.Ones choice in jewelry represents a visible outward expression of our personality and style. Many delineating factors can be taken away simply from eyeing what other people have draped themselves in. Chunky necklace "BLING" is synonymous with a certain cultural aspect just like James Avery charm rings meant you must have attended high school in the suburbs circa 1991. Strands of pearls enjoy an iconic First Lady connotation while many religions have their symbology represented through various pendants. Jewelry is often totally reflective of our lifestyle. Given that knowledge, this past weekend proved a perplexing and worrisome experience for me.

I'm just like that Adam Ant song, "Goody Two Shoes." I don't drink, don't smoke, none of your business what do I do. I'm also not tattooed nor do I sport a shiny pair of nipple rings. However, I used to be a bit wild before turning subservient (HA!) Mormon wife and Mother. President Hinckley admonished Church women for adorning themselves with more than one pair of earrings, but part of me feels like this is the last hellion bastion I have left. As such, I refuse to take out that second piercing. It reminds me of that small rebellious spark I once embraced before acquiescing to the mundane.

Mostly, I have a modestly conservative slant on fashion and jewelry, so absolute surprise overtook me when I walked into Blockbuster video and saw that the diminutive and obviously gay man working behind the counter had the exact same two earrings as me worn in the exact same way. I'm the Queen around here, how dare he show up in public wearing the same thing. I would have pulled the hair of that beyotch, but alas he's balding.

Irritated, I picked out a video and my family and I proceeded to Pancho's Mexican Buffet for dinner where a mammoth guy stood in line in front of us wearing boxer exposing saggy shorts, a Texans football jersey (loser), and lots of gold chains gangster style. Ummm, he also bore the same two earrings as me. My kids kindly noticed that too and pointed it out. "Hey Mom, that big dude is wearing your earrings!", at which point, big dude turned around and smiled at me. The humiliation came full circle while eating. From our viewpoint it looked like a tall cowgirl dressed in a lilac colored Western shirt festooned with swaying white fringe. We only caught a glimpse from behind as this person made their way down the fresh condiment bar. We marveled at the gorgeous purple cowboy hat and embroidered teal boots. Then, we noticed the earrings. Yep, the same two as mine. My son exclaimed, "Wow, look at that! A real live cowgirl." Slowly, the "cowgirl" turned around to glare at us where it was revealed that this was no cowgirl but instead a COWBOY. Well, at least a cowboy of The Village People persuasion. Oh, SNAP!

So, drawing a connection between jewelry exhibiting the truthfulness of our inner selves, does that mean I'm secretly harboring the internal feelings of a lisping homosexual man, a ghetto superstar wanna be poser, or a flaming cowboy getting ready to lasso him up something with his velvet rope to hog tie for the night? Hmmmmm.

As a sidenote, I did try to minimize my Elvis like sideburns when snapping this photo. Thank you, thank you very much. You've been a great audience.

18 comments:

Radioactive Jam said...

How do we know this is even your ear, and not the flaming purple Brokeback cowboy?

omar said...

I've lost track of how many times I've gotten mad at you for getting a bad song in my head.

I always suspected you had a little poser-gangsta-gay cowboy in you. This post only makes things clearer for me.

My favorite part, by the way, was "Oh SNAP"

jams o donnell said...

Ah elasticwaistbandlady are you sure you are not a fashion leader in the ear ring department? The number of acolytes seems to say otherwise! I ook forawrd to teh day ehern overweight ushaven and unkempt is in vogue.. then I'll be a style titan!

Anonymous said...

WELL...IT MAY BE THE CORRECT TIME TO TELL YOU THAT YOUR FATHERS WIFE (I GUESS SHE WOULD BE YOUR WICKED STEP MOTHER) HAS RETURNED FROM LANDS OF FAR WITH PROPER GIFTS FOR THE PRINCESSES AND PRINCES OF THE HOUSEHOLD AND SOME OF IS (YOU GUESSED IT) EAR JEWLERY. WE LOOK FOWARD TO SEEING ALL THE EARS WITH PROPER ADORNMENT IN FUTURE PICTURES. YER DAD

Julie said...

Lovely. Now you just need the teal boots and you're all set.

Or maybe you can just put a staple in your ear.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Look cloesly RAJ, my ear comes stamped with a certificate of authenticity. NOT MADE IN CHINA.

Oh SNAP, Omar! I say that using my very best poser gay gangster cowboy voice too.

jams, I'm overweight AND unshaven too! You and I are future fashion trendsetters.

Dad- What's up? Using the anonymous title is going to make people think you're ashamed of me.

Julie- Staples in the ear are for centerfold models only.

Mimo said...

Well, now I know what NOT to get you for Christmas. That is unless you'd like a bigger stud... you know, like the kind basketball and football players wear?

Julie said...

I thought you already had a stud. His name is Papi.

Melody said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Melody said...

I really like the ear rings. Very tasteful.

If I were gay or a gangsta I would want my ears to look like that. I'm not sure what that means for you, but it was meant as a compliment.

I've wanted to add a second hole on one ear for years. Maybe I'll do it for my birthday.

And as for the religious issues and what the prophet said several years ago:

Why do you suppose it's NOT okay to have several tiny holes poked in one's ear(s), but it IS okay to have a major surgical procedure with general anesthesia (where you are taken to a level of consciousness so low that "Do Not Resuscitate" orders are suspended because they can't technically say that you are truly alive - what with the chemically induced paralysis and mechanical ventilation for breathing, drugs to regulate blood pressure, etc.), then being cut open and having bags made of various artificial materials shoved (believe me, this is the right word - I've seen it done) into the flesh and filled with silicone or saline and pumped up to the level the doctor feels is adequate. (For this they sit you up while you're mostly-dead and see how the lovelies look, add a little here, take out a little there...) And spend weeks recovering in pain...

Now, Elastic, if you have had such a surgery, I have put my foot in my mouth in such an enormous way that you will hate me as long as you live. If that's the case, i apologize. If not, then thank you for letting me say this on your blog because I've wanted to for quite some time.

By the way, you obviously have not had your ears augmented. They are totally real. I can tell.

Suzie Petunia said...

I find my second piercing (from my rebellious teenage years... ok, it was more like a week... being rebellious) to come in very handy. I had to wear earrings for a choral performance, but my ear piercing #1 was very sore (sensitive ears!). Thank goodness I had a back-up. Ok, so it looked stupid close-up, but no one could tell I was using my auxiliary ear piercing from the audience.

mullet said...

im like a drive by body Pierce victim - took 'em all out - or rather the towels took em all out after showering...ouch!
I feel your humiliation....there is a very shallow side to me & if someone has on the same gear as me - i'm like beam me up Scottie

elasticwaistbandlady said...

suzie, that simply means that you and I are "HOLIER" than others at church. Sweet.

mullet, we'll have to pre-coordinate our ensembles before meeting one another to avoid a screaming catfight. Agreed? I wanna wear zebra print hot pants so you'll have to find something else in your closet to wear. Sorry.

Melody, That was the best quote ever left on my blog. That's why I named my youngest child for you, after all. :)

Julie and Mimo- Papi is a stud in redneck clothing!

Elizabeth-W said...

Elastic-I took out my second earrings just because I felt sooo lame keeping them in at church, like wearing a scarlet letter or something. I feel judged enough being married to a Gentile.
But there are days, now especially since my hair is really short, I'd like to put second ones in, and wear exactly your style. I used to always wear little diamonds or pearls in the top holes. I think the holes are closed enough now it would probably hurt to get them in, though.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Come to Houston, elizabeth. We'll sit around and be pierced miscreants together!

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

You have a lovely ear, you big sinner.

I still have residual holes from my attempt at two piercings per ear. And yesterday, while waiting for my child to come out of the school...

I poked an earring in it and without much pushing, I think I could reopen it.

I am flushed with the thought of it.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

You know what that means millie and elizabeth? All of us and our two holed heathen ears reveal that we are really gay men. Thanks to the anonymity of the Internet we've been able to convince people that we're mild mannered Mormon Moms. Now the truth is out.

Lisa said...

I know this is a really old post and that you don't have a clue who I am, but I have been lurking and came across this post. First of all, I don't know where you come up with some of this stuff. You are hilarious. Secondly, I am from Houston, so I like you already. And third, you mentioned James Avery, and I don't know if you care too much for the James Avery jewelery or the cult following they have, but I worked for JA for years! I worked in Memorial City, Post Oak and in San Antonio. I only had one 2nd piercing, but removed it-but long before the Prophet asked-I'm not so much a rebel anymore.