Friday, September 15, 2006

Whatever Shall I Do???!!!??

The scrapbooking event of the year happens this evening at another Church member's home. One night only! Space is limited, so reserve your spot at the crafting table now!!!!.

I naturally assumed that after my uncouth exploits at the last get-together, I would not be extended a welcoming hand to further scrappy galas. However, one sweet Sister told me that she hopes I can be there tonight because I make her laugh.
I made somebody laugh. That frightens me.

Here's the problem; everybody has a project to work on except me. You know, I don't want to go all scriptural on you but "Idle hands are indeed the devil's tools." Why do you think I blog so much? Gotta keep my spirit fingers busy. I have a lot of interests, just nothing that will conveniently pack up into a traveling case that I can later spread out on a table to work with side by side with other people.

For instance, I am one of the World's foremost shower hair artists. I bet you didn't know that! I expertly re-create anything from Picasso to Vermeer using nothing but the discarded hair strands wadded up in the shower drain. Making beauty out of the unexpected is what I live for. Sadly, I can't take my shower with me to show off my handiwork to fellow crafters, so I've started brainstorming some crafty alternatives using the assistance of the Internet.

This is pure genius and something within my realm of artistic capabilities! A highly renowned New York artist uses his own pubic hair as an art medium. Go on, admit it, I bet that's the most gorgeous soap masterpiece you've ever been privy to feast your eyes upon! As a bonus, I happen to have lots of that kind of art medium to work with too. Meaning, I won't drop a fortune at the local craft supplies store. The only thing I need to complete a project like this is a hair straightener.

I still have my unfinished Smurf latchhook kit from 1984 that I could bring along. It's never too late to liven up a room with handmade Smurfy goodness. Or, I could just sit around and make people gasp in utter surprise again.

Decisions, decisions.


Lianne said...

You alternately frighten me and crack me up. I wish I was at the scrapbooking party to see you perform in real life.

omar said...

This makes me want to vomit a little bit.

But on the good side, I didn't get any bad songs stuck in my head.

scrapbookingmomma said...

I would like to thank you for making my otherwise dull and mundane days a little interesting when I come to your blog to read the next brilliantly written chapter of your days. Thanks for the laughs I need them.

christo said...

Art is one of those things I don't see myself getting into. I mean, what does a certain stroke mean to the "artist" when it only means a stroke to me? I've always found art to be a dilettante's paradise.

Pubic hair art sounds interesting though...

Radioactive Jam said...

This makes me want to vomit a LOT. On the plus side, technicolor chunks often make an artistic presentation.

Angela said...

OH.MY.GOSH! I went back and read your previous post on your night out scrapbooking. Laughed hysterically at Matchbox 20. I have SO been the person laughing loudly at perceived, but non-existent sarcasm. I'm thinking "man, I could go for scrapbooking if Elastic Waistband Lady is there."
Then you said hair straightner.
And I think that you might even make this non-scrapping, slightly irreverant girl drop her jaw. Wait, you did.

jams o donnell said...

Hmm I would imagine the soap would go down like a brick budgie or a lead balloon at the scrapbooking event!! Perhaps there is scope for performance art, albeit in a confined space.,.. surely that would have endless possibilities...

Elizabeth-W said...

It's a good thing you all are brunettes, as your art wouldn't show as well if you were all tow-headed.
Can I tell you a weird pregnancy symptom I had? You know hair gets all weird? Oh never mind...It's just too much information.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

No, you don't wanna see me perform live, lianne. I alternately mix comedy, chicken dancing, bad singing, sarcasm, and burlesque. I'm a one woman Pussycat Doll troupe!

Hey Omar! *singing* "Don't cha wish all scrapbookers were hot like me? Don't cha wish you owned Creative Mem-o-rieees? Don't cha?" Ha! Try shaking that one loose from your cranium!

Hello scrapbookingmomma. You're living proof that our two species, scrapbookers and NON-scrapbookers, can find common ground and friendship.

Oh christo, you coy little dilettante you (LOVE that word, btw), like you don't have a house full of your self created pubic hair art. Why must you hide your talent away from the world?

RAJ, art is subjective. I only like vomit art if it includes carrots in it.


jams, I had such plans for last night and then I fell ill. The only performance art I could have mustered last night would be a MUCOUS EXTRAVAGANZA! Giving all new meaning to the term, "Let's Boogie!"

You're among friends here, elizabeth. Just disregard the fact that this is the WORLD WIDE web and reveal to us all your kinky hair secrets! Blondes would have to opt for a darker colored background to showcase their "art."

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

I spend enough time digging THAT kind of hair out of the soap as it is. You want to embrace that kind of lifestyle? Are you crazy?

I dare you to launch into a camel toe conversation while you're there. Then I want to hear about it.

Elizabeth-W said...

Sooooooo? What ribald tales do you have to tell?!

No Cool Story said...

I also went back and read your post about the previous scrapbooking soiree.
How did their ever invite you they know about your hair art? Does this poor naive sister who said you "make her laugh" know about it?

Can I come with you next time? Oh, please????

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Look millie, aren't we a little bit too old for this whole, "OOH, I dare you to do it. NO! I double dog dare you?"
You're on!

This isn't Cosmopolitan magazine, elizabeth!

Well, no cool story, of course you can come along with me to the next scrappy event, but only if I can introduce you as my "special life partner." That'll cause enough reaction for a whole nother blog post! It'll be totally believable though since you're Mexican with a Roman nose just like my Papi. They'll just think I went for a female version of him.

Maria de la Cruz said...

That first picture... fallopian tube art?