Thursday, October 12, 2006

We Are A Very SPECIAL Family

We, as a family, have developed some rather odd proclivities and behaviors.

1. I can't pinpoint the actual day when it all started, but we are absolutely obsessed with looking at the feet of the UPS delivery people. One day, I noticed that they had the cutest little monogrammed socks, and then I noted that neither DHL nor FedEx personnel had such nifty footwear. Now, whenever we pass one of their open doored trucks, we all crane our necks to see the driver. When those luscious brown, trademarked logo socks are spotted we all yell a victory cry of, "UPS SOCKS........YAY!!!!!!"

2. We love Port-A-Potties. Well, not to use them, mind you. A fateful trip to the India Festival during August cured us of any desire we may ever have to sit inside one again. Two words; humidity and curry. Stinkorama! There's a company here that provides Port-A-Potty rentals called, "Tanks A Lot." That name definitely wins the Infidel Seal Of Approval. When we drive out through the countryside there's always shouts of, "We love you baby cows!", and "We love you horsies!" from myself and my kids. Seeing Port-A-Potties though, inspires the same kind of fervor. Sometimes, we transfix our eyes upon two, side by side in the same color, and we feel compelled to yell, "Awwwww, look at that, twin Port-A-Pots!" After reading about outhouses during a unit study on the Depression, they also call them privies. Melody just finished excitedly yelling, "I Love You Baby Goats!", when she spied a portable potty and finished her declaration of admiration with an "I LOVE YOU TOO PRIVY!" Last week, I took her to work with me only to have her shout very loudly, with the truck windows open, I might add, at an orange cat. Three year old Melody screamed, "I love you owange kitty", until something else caught her eye. Melody then proceeded to yell out, "I love you Mexican man!" to the startled landscaping crew. We grow them politically incorrect in the Infidel household.

3. The entrance to our subdivision is marked by a traffic light and a slight incline that's steep enough to make the car seem like the Dukes Of Hazard's General Lee in mid air slow motion action when crossing it at a high rate of speed. Mostly, though, our exploits are squashed with the crimson of the red light. But on those rare occasions that we make it to the entrance, and the light is in our favor, I recklessly step on the gas to ensure nonstop intersection passage. When we make the light without ever having to stop, and the truck crests the top of the pavement hill, we all throw our arms in the air and scream, "WHEEEEEEEEE!", as though we were on a roller coaster ride. Irresponsible? Yes. A funny tradition? Absolutely.

4. Tuna and macaroni casserole night means we're all required to sing, "Tuna Mac", to the tune of Martha Reeve's classic song, "Jimmy Mack." *singing* "Tuna Mac, when are you coming back? Tuna, oh, tuna. Yeah, tuna mac you better hurry back." Secretly, though, nobody is in any real hurry to have tuna mac nights back at our house for the evening meal.

Our family chant should be: "We're odd, we know it. We're odd, we SHOW it! Don't be frightened, share what makes you and your family "special" too!


Radioactive Jam said...

Forget therapy, they should go straight to Oprah or equivalent. With any luck they'll get some kind of TV deal by selling the rights to their traumatic yet hilarious stories.

Then again, maybe you should get all proactive / pre-emptive and get the deal for yourself. Just a thought.

jams o donnell said...

We had Jerry Springer - the Opera here.. I want Smiling Infidel - the Opera. The chorus can wear UPS socks and wield ninja sporks!

Verdi gave us the Anvil chorus, I cannot wait to hear the portapotty aria sung by Placido Domingo! or your Tunanac is frozen let me heat if back to life!

A Payne said...

On Friday mornings we do a conga line to the breakfast table while singing a tune to a song we heard on an Argentinian game show.
"Oh yes, Viernes, cola, cola, cola, oh yes, Viernes, oh cah, chaca, neeco!"

No Cool Story said...

Subjetc: Subscribe
"Smiling Infidel - the Opera"
I want to see this, please sign me up for the newsletter and upcoming events.

PS. I luv you brown socks!

Radioactive Jam said...

;-) said...

Our little tradition isn't as interesting but here it is. Every night when I put the kids in bed they tell me 3 good things and 3 bad things about their day. Every night the first good thing (for both of them) is "BEST FAMILY EVER!" which they shout at the top of their lungs. Each person who is home then has to shout "IS IT ME?" and the kids shout back "YES!"

emma jo said...

I hear that the UPS men even wear brown undies, is it true?...we can only guess. Your family sounds like fun--and I know they are.
Once when my fam was on a long car trip, we had just stopped to get food and back on the road. Someone had just started a blessing on the food when an unknowing Matriarch excitedly screamed, "Look! Farm fresh Peaches!"...random story but now our family likes to do that on a regular basis, without interrupting a prayer, of course.

Demosthenes said...

Infidelity all the way! Your kids sound awesome.

No Cool Story said...

I had to think about it really hard:
This is how our phone conversations start, at least once a day:
-Me: que onda?
-DH: Que onda...contigo
-Me: No, contigo..
-DH: no, no, contigo…
At this point the kids go: "oh please, do you have to do THAT every time?"

I love kittens, so I tell my kids and husband to have "a day full of kitties" or "a kittyful day".
Yeah, my teens love that one.


Julie said...

One proud family tradition: every time we drive across the border from Utah to Idaho (something we do far more often than I would care to admit), my kids begin hacking and gasping for air like we’ve landed on a planet with a toxic atmosphere. It’s a tribute to their grandpa who comes from Idaho. They think it’s hilarious to get him riled up.

BTW, I appreciate your comments on my blog, especially since I think you are one of the funniest things on the internet. It’s your fault that whenever I see a Chevy Astrovan now I have this Pavlovian urge to sing “I know what boys want.” And I don’t even know the words. I’m good at the “nah nah nah NAH NAH” part though.

White Man Retarded said...

I think the next generation will save us from our mistakes and our wonderful parents' mistakes. It is my opinion the politically correct are aborting their children while we are outbreeding them. Maybe?

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Oh RAJ, You made your comment, and then I went back and revised the posted entry. I have blogger OCD, and I obsessively rewrite things. Now then, don't think you escaped the task asked of you, young man. You've already been ensnared, so fess up, what makes your family "Special?" I bet it'll be simian related! (Lookie me, I spelled "simian" correctly this time)

jams- Opera? hmmmmmm, despite having the required operatic singer girth, my singing voice sucks. It's enough to make The Phantom Of The Opera suicidal. Although, I could replace him. Yes, "Infidel Of The Opera" has a very nice ring to it. You can sing with us too, jams. I need to meet hiring quotas and you can be our token Englishman.

a payne, That made me crack up, but mainly because my Mexican born Papi calls the rear end area, "cola." Many familial good times have been had singing songs about butts in my house too!

NCS!!!! Brown socks, YES. Brown shirts, NO. You're me new BFF (Bloggy Friend Forever), NCS, so front row opera tickets for you and a small popcorn!

on the run- AWWWWWW, what a cute tradition. You are the pure cane sugar to my cancer causing saccharine substitute!

emma jo- I can totally envision your mom saying that too. You know the dog story? That happened right on your old street in CF.

demosthenes- I take full credit for their awesomeness, and their amazing ability at telling fart jokes.

NCS!!!! We sing the Meow Mix song frequently here. I even play it on the piano. You see, one day your eye rolling teens will grow up and blog too and tell people about the really cute things their parents said and did.

Julie- You've revealed the evil truth now. You really are a long time lurker! Anytime I can infect someone's mind with a bad song, or my own little brand of lexicon, I'm happy.

P.H.- It's a competition, and we've outbreeded you!!! Yay, we are the egg meets sperm champions of the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Elizabeth-W said...

I just want to know about the picture.
Did you amputate someone's leg? Do you have a spare sock? :)

carrotjello said...

I wonder if you can get UPS socks on ebay. the porta potty at our park got knocked over on it's side once. I still cannot use it, knowing feces were everywhere. Maybe instead of Tuna mack, you could make creamed tuna and peas over toast. It is most delicious. Of course, you must use albacore. None of that soggy tuna.

SalGal said...

Have you seen the pink potties next to the blue ones? I'll snap a photo next time I see one if not.

Say it once, say it loud, I'm black and I'm proud!!! Except I'm white enough to blind the sun if it were to look directly at me.

We shout "GREEN WEENIES!!!" at green traffic lights so they'll stay that way by the time we get to them.

I am SUPER jealous of your catching air. I need to move there.

No Cool Story said...

I feel so special. :'-)

elasticwaistbandlady said...

elizabeth- My most fervent Christmas wish is for the whole world to have a nice cozy pair of brown UPS socks.

CARROT JELLO!!!! It's been too long, my friend.

NCS- I meant every acronym letter of it too!

salgal- I need to get over to your blog but every time I do, there's so many listen in your profile. Which one is your main hangout?

Anonymous said...

You won? I have four (that's counting fetus) We're younger, and planning on much more. Or, I might go to Africa and kidnap some like, uh, Madonna...I'm at work, forgot my password.

carronin said...

That brings back memeories of my news paper route days. I did it for six long years.When it was still an afternoon route I took my boys they were six and three at the time. Some very talented person with alot of time on their hands welded their mailbox to look like a dinosaur. My boys took turns each day throwing the paper at the dinosaur.AHH good times.