Saturday, December 16, 2006

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year!

That's because all my hard work and effort slinging newspapers 365 days a year is finally rewarded. Yes, tis the season to be tipping. Fa La La La La La La La La! You can keep your gay apparel, just show me the money.

In Spanish speaking countries they celebrate something known as "The Thirteenth Month" where by law, yes, by law, those in servitude must be paid a month's wages as a Christmas bonus by their employers. Well, in the glorious capitalistic society that is America we operate a bit differently. We extend our open hands while earnestly repeating, 'GIMME GIMME!' The end result remains the same though, Christmas cashola for the peon, lower caste, white trash, Twinkie loving peoples. That would be me.

I've thrown the same route for several years in an upper crust neighborhood with some homes nearing the million dollar range. One thing I've noticed is that a spirit of gratitude earns you a bigger payout. My tips have shown a steady amount increase from the same customers over time, and I can only attribute that to the fact that I hand write a thank you note for each and every one, even if it's only 5 bucks. I feel impressed that someone would take time out of their busy life and pay postage to send something to me. I don't play favorites, but let's just say that those who tip 50 dollars on up enjoy elite gold member benefits like having their paper double wrapped and tied at the end on rainy days. I adopted the slogan iterated in the Disney flick, "Lilo And Stitch" as my own when it comes to tips. "Nobody gets left behind or forgotten!" You've only been a customer for a week? No problem. That's plenty of good service given to reward your carrier for. You were gone on vacation when I distributed the card solicitation? No problem. I carry extras in my truck just especially for you on your return. You only take the paper on Sunday? No problem. You should have lots of extra money laying around thanks to the money saving coupons in the Sunday paper. You got your paper service cut off for being a deadbeat? No problem. I still love you and won't harshly judge you like my boss does. Feel the love and send me a love offering!

This year I eschewed the standard Houston Chronicle printed cards and designed one on my own. So far, I'm on the path to a stellar, record setting tip season. I wonder if my super awesome card had something to do with it? Viva la 13th month!

21 comments:

Carrotjello said...

ROFL! yEs! I AM rolling on the floor laughing. That's hilarious!

No Cool Story said...

Oh those richie rich people have it soooo good with you. I hope they appreciate it you.
I love your super awesome card!
How did you get so awesome? do people around you realize how awesome you are?

I propose we do begin construction of that statue made out of chocolate and mounted on a base of graham crackers.

No Cool Story said...

Oh those richie rich people have it soooo good with you. I hope they appreciate it you.
I love your super awesome card!
How did you get so awesome? do people around you realize how awesome you are?

I propose we do begin construction of that statue made out of chocolate and mounted on a base of graham crackers.

PS. Dumb blogger, won't let me comment, the nerve! (5th try)

Gloria Glo said...

laughing outrageously at the card...my sister would pay. She's addicted to her paper.

How did we get that servitude thing all backwards? We, the enslaved, give away a month's wages at Christmastime?! I'm feeling very slighted by society.

P.S. You've been tagged. See my blog for details. Apologies if it's a meme you've done previously. I have chronic short-short-short term memory. Like....yesterday is fogging up and day before yesterday already a mystery...

No Cool Story said...

GRRR!

No Cool Story said...

GRRR!
Lied to again.

No Cool Story said...

GrRRR!
Will this ever end?!

jams o donnell said...

An excellent course of action ewbl! I hope it brings tips a plenty.. May I also suggest some more direct extortion and some blackmail.. Send large tip or that picture of you in the wimple and riding boots goes to the paper, Senator!

Demosthenes said...

Chills. My cash would be in the mail within minutes of getting your ransom note. Your cheery, holiday-themed ransom note.

on.the.run said...

SOOOOOO funny! I remember watching a homemade movie in Sociology when I was in high shool. The kids in class did their report on high school jobs. The showed a Randalls checker putting groceries in the back of some ones car and then saying "If the don't tip you you reach in and crush their bread." He then deminstrated, it still makes me giggle a little.

Radioactive Jam said...

Did you cut up bits of their paper and send them with the card so they knew you weren't-- Oh. Right.

Duh.

wendela said...

Perfect! I'm having you design my "Thank You" card next year! I like your Christmas tune. :)

elasticwaistbandlady said...

TYVM carrot! that's netspeak for Thank You Very Much.

NCS- Why settle for repeat? Let's go for THREEpeat comments. Stupid blogger. No, nobody around me realizes just how awesome I truly am. I have to keep reminding them on a daily basis.

glo- I'm starting to get a little suspicious as to why I've been tagged for "Weird Meme" 4 times now. I prefer to be called delightfully eccentric with a special emphasis on flatulence humor rather than just flat out weird.

NCS- I jumped hurdles, moved mountains, and swam rivers this week to get my voice heard on your blog. Alright, maybe I actually jumped girdles, and drank mountain Dew, but it counts nonetheless. Right?

jams- I have at least two public officials on my route that I know of. A judge and a conniving state representative who stole her opponents sign this past election. Guess which one sent me a tip already and which one hasn't. I'm monitoring her house every day for something I can use against her for finanical gains in the future. Always planing ahead!

demosthenes- I'm filled with the spirit of Christmas warmth. Now, make that check payable to The Smiling Infidel or give me small unmarked bills.

on the run- I've seen what teenage male sackers do with their hands. I usually shop in the middle of the night so that I can sack my own groceries.

RAJ- I cut out pictures of a horse head and sleeping fish and pasted it to the inside of the card. "All is calm. All is quiet. Hallmark will be sorry for not hiring me when they had the chance.

wendela- Chicago is my most favoritest band in the whole Universe! I'm working on a ransom letter for when I kidnap Peter Cetera and make him "Stay The Night." Chicago needs that man-he's a "Hard Habit To Break." Why can't things be just like the "Old Days" when they formed their "Beginnings?" I plan on forcing him to reconcile and reunite with Chicago where they will perform, "25 or 6 to 4" until the end of time.

omar said...

That card is fantastic. And that may be the first time a ransom note contained the words, "God Bless."

Suzanne said...

LOL!!! Good for you, for writing thank you notes. Most people don't take the time to say thank you anymore. I love all the little extras that happen at Christmastime. They make the season bright! :)

Mimo said...

LOL!!! I hope your route is "feeling the love" and tips you well! :D

elasticwaistbandlady said...

omar- I wished them a Merry Christmas too, okay? It's a ransom note with heart. I'm holding training sessions for instructing a kinder, gentler Mafia.

suzanne- I write thank you notes to get more money from my customers. Altruism is dead!

mimo-If they don't, it's paper shredder time!

carronin said...

Getting Christmas tips is awesome, the most unusual tip I ever got was a elephant made with rolled up towels it was hilarious a little old lady on my route made it and left it for me in her paper box.I wish I still had it so I could post a picture of it. I also love getting chocolate in the paper box cause a person can get real hungry while delivering papers.

carronin said...

I love the card!! I wish I had thought of that.

compulsive writer said...

Here's a tip for you:

Don't eat yellow snow.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

carronin- If you're ever forced to revive your paper career, you may steal my card idea. May it bring the biggest of tips to you too, ma'am. I may blog about some of the weird things I've gotten too. You've inspired me!

compulsive- That tip may have come too late.