Saturday, February 10, 2007

Mohanna And Me Are 3-PLY Wives


While throwing my newspaper route filled with stately homes this morning, I passed a mini-mansion completely enshrouded in streams of flowing toilet paper. Amused at the undignified sight that would surely blackball them from being included for consideration to host the Annual Snooty Patootie Ladies Luncheon, I drove by slowly to throw their Houston Barnacle on one of their three driveways. Yes, THREE. That's when one of the tentacled arms of the cascading cottony soft butt wipes decided to reach out and touch someone. ME.

Nonchalantly, I continued on until my eye caught the frenetic motion of the white trash party streamers billowing wildly behind me in the wind. Two elongated strands the length of the entire truck had entwined themselves around the antenna and continued flapping around chaotically like a bewildered me at my baby shower when the ladies viciously played the "Wrap Her Up In Toilet Paper Like A Pregnant Mummy" game. This morning saw a forecast of lightning and light mist blanketing the area. That combined with the morning dew should surely break the mystical toilet paper spell enveloping me, right? No. I drove my entire route looking as though I had just gotten married Dukes Of Hazard style by Boss Hogg himself. I drove faster and still it clung to my truck with all its toilet papery might. Not even moisture and the forces of nature could break its determined bond to me. I told my Papi. He seemed wholly unsympathetic and much more interested in discovering what heaven on high such a miraculously durable toilet paper product descended from. He's convinced that this is a super secret laboratory created paper that they're keeping hidden from the public sector because the world isn't ready for such alien technology enhanced toiletries. Papi and his toilet paper conspiracy theories. He really hates it when you wipe and your fingers burst through the paper at the worst possible moment.


Obviously, this was the good stuff. What's with these privileged kids nowadays? Back in my day we used 1-ply "wipe and you bleed" cardboard toilet paper to do our T.P. dirty work. And gosh darn it, we liked it. How much disposable income do these little toilet paper hooligans have to use? Do they only throw the very finest in imported organic eggs when they're out vandalizing houses? Did they get out there still in their monogrammed crest sport jackets after a wild Saturday night down at the Country Club playing canasta? Perhaps they told their chauffeur in a haughty voice, "Jeeves, wait here a moment. I shan't be long. I'm just going to do an impromptu exterior home decorating makeover with Muffy, Buffy, Chip, and Mr. Charmin." *sigh* The sad thing is that the supremely cheap part of me felt tempted to rush home and gather up our vast empty toilet paper tube collection and fill it with this bounteous blessing of high quality butt wipes.

But then, how could my Melody see me through her toilet paper roll eyes of love?

14 comments:

carronin said...

Wow somebody worked real hard on that t.p. job. But of course you know those home owner won't be cleaning it themselves they will have the help do it.Thanks, buddy for putting me on your list. I'm honored to be one of your kind of people.

Demosthenes said...

My friends and I mummified the snot out of another friend's car this Halloween. Vasoline on the windshield, under the door handles... the works. It was great. That's one tradition that will simply never die.

Syar said...

Poor Jeeves. He loves that truck.

Carrotjello said...

Holy Smokes! That would have been something we would have done back in the day. We had a whole toilet paper closet, I kid you not. 5 shelves filled with toilet paper. It's important if you don't have food storage, to have toilet paper. We were prepared.

No Cool Story said...

Tping someone's house is defAnItely an American tradition, us Mexis can't afford to waste TP like that...unless we were to use the other TP a.k.a. newspaper. :D

Awww, Melody, what a sweet girl.

Kimberly said...

There are few things as sweet as a little girl peering up at you through her binoculars and declaring, "I see you Mommy! I seeeeee you!"

There's something about those kinds of moments that trumps even the highest quality butt wipes.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

How many poor African children could've wiped their little tushies with that wasted toilet paper??

::sniffle::

I remember going TPing with some girls in my ward... we didn't have enough TP so we begged one girl's mom for some. She took us downstairs to her whole-length-of-the-house hidden food storage closet and pulled out a package of Charmin. I was impressed. Not only were they stocking up for The Day After, but they really went for the best quality. At the same time I was worried that we were going to leave them that much more unprepared...

jams o donnell said...

Wow, Toilet papering is not a tradition here. but using the real soft stuff? to cover a house? Now that is sheer extravagance... My arsecheeks are outraged!

Elizabeth-W said...

"toilet paper tales" as a topic. What does that mean to the new reader? It means that there are sure to be more of these stories!!!! Yea!!!
I know I'm contrarian, but I don't like that Charminy kind because it just leaves so much papery dusty stuff all around.

jedimacfan said...

The Primary Suspect...

elasticwaistbandlady said...

carronin- You complete me!

dem- My mom TP'ed me as a last minute Halloween costume one year. It was humiliating. You see, you may have been voted "Most Likely To Succedd," but I got voted "Most Likely To Be TP'ed!"

syar- They promised Jeeves a cut of the leftover toilet paper action in exchange for his silence. The depths a man will sink for some good butt wiping supplies is woeful.

carrot jello- Some things were meant to go together. Peanut Butter and Chocolate. Food and Toilet Paper. Can't have one without the other!

NCS- My Papi once selflessly memorized two weeks worth of his agenda schedule while on his mission so that he could use the pages for "cleaning purposes." I guess he felt too good to use the glossy Sears catalogue provided for him. Pshaw!

kimberly- I staged that picture. She usually uses empty toilet paper tubes as a makeshift dart gun to launch projectiles at her siblings.

millie- We're fancier than that! I have boxed moist towelette style butt wipes for our "end of the world" supply kit. We may die an agonizing death but our least our butts will be clean and freshly scented! How much do you want to be my friend now, huh?

jams- I know, right? You and I should form a Toilet Paper Recovery Team, jams. We'll recycle it and make lovely bridal veils and bouquet streamers for the environmentally conscious.

elizabeth- Papi is the toilet paper snob around here. Me? I hate it when restaurants use cheap paper that disintegrates as soon as it touches moisture. It makes the toilet look like a swimming pot of Egg Drop Soup from the Chinese Buffet. Other than that, me and my arse aren't that particular.

Jedi-I want a leader who will cut back on the federal budget and slash wasteful spending. I can't in good conscience support Joey in his Presidential bid unless he promises to only TP with supplies from the Dollar Store.

A Payne said...

When I was at friends house for a book club, I used her bathroom. She had the nicest toilet paper. That was almost 5 months ago. I am a little embarassed to ask her now what kind she buys. Elastic, will you ask her for me?

elasticwaistbandlady said...

A Payne- I got my methods. I'd offer her some valuable money saving toilet paper coupons from the paper and then casually inquire if that was her brand of choice. I imagine a commercial snapshot moment of the two of you giggling and bonding all afternoon while discussing the merits of pillowy soft TP.

On a side note. A sister in my in-law's Spanish Branch went to visit teach them a few years ago. They were out of toilet paper. A fact that the poor Sister discovered while seated on the toilet. They didn't have any paper towels or anything. I know. Weird, right? She had to settle for using their old Ensign magazines. She did a #2. :( She passed us at Church on Sunday and said "HI" to me and my many children. The kids asked me who that was, and I said, "Remember that really funny story we told you about.......? That was HER!" She's a modern day poop hero to my children for surviving such an experience without wanting to flush herself down the toilet from embarrassment.

Mimo said...

2 ply huh? That has love written all over it. I bet it was someone smitten with a young lady or lad living in that house.