Thursday, February 08, 2007

Please Stop Looking At My Crack

My crack just keeps on growing by leaps and bounds every day. In fact, my crack has spread so far and so wide that its perilously close to being declared a safety hazard. A total stranger approached me in the Kroger's parking lot last week to comment on the immensity of my crack. His eyes stared intently at my crack, following its every profound curve and dipping valley with a steely gaze that made me turn away in ashamed embarrassment. Then he reached out to touch my crack and offered me his "services." Yeah, like I want to pay someone just to touch my crack. How did I get here? It seems like just yesterday that my crack was tiny and barely noticeable. Now my crack is gaining new ground and threatening to take over non-crack space. I only have McDonald's and their tantalizing dollar hot fudge sundaes to blame for my ever burgeoning crack. My daughters and I ventured down the road less traveled a few months ago to grab one of those dollar dairy treats when a cement truck turned haphazardly right in front of us. The constant onslaught of tumbling gray cement chunks bouncing out of his rear end chute found their way unto the windshield of my super Infidel truck. My crack simply hasn't been the same since.
This isn't an actual snapshot of my crack, by the way, but it does look vaguely similar. I'm sort of shy about taking pictures of my own crack. Hey, my crack is personal and private territory! I draw the prohibited photo line at my line. Although, stealing pictures of strangers' cracks doesn't faze me a bit.

22 comments:

A Payne said...

What is up with that guy in the parking lot, offering services to you like that?! What is he some kind of crack whore? Or worse, an assistant crack whore?

omar said...

Wow. I know that picture isn't yours, but just looking at it makes me wonder what I would do if I had a crack like yours. It's gotta be rough going around hoping your crack doesn't spread. If a foreign object hits that crack in the right way, it's gonna open that crack right up and next thing you know, that foreign object will be inside. Yup, right inside your truck. Nobody wants that.

Elizabeth-W said...

Have you ever heard the joke about why our 'cracks' run vertical versus horizontal? The punch line has something to do with a slide at the playground.

Lee said...

Ooooh! October Project! One of my favorite groups of all time. What a lovely surprise!

jams o donnell said...

Now that is a pretty awesome cack ewbl.. Seriously is it something that will cause problems at some stage? Cars here have to gor though what is called an MOT, an annual inspection... a crack of that size would have the car fail.

Gah I'm not sounding flippant!

Stephanie said...

I was laughing so hard. I knew what you were talking about after the first few mentions of "the crack" but you were so poetic I almost believed that it was a different crack.

Jen-(Mimo) said...

You do know that crack kills, don't you?
I don't think people should be eyeing other people's cracks. I think people should keep their eyes averted and ignore it when someone's crack shows.
Maybe you should get some of that crack putty.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

a payne- Not only was he a crack whore, but he was a crack whore with his very own printed up official business card!

omar- The only foreign object allowed in my crack is my Mexican born Papi.

elizabeth- I'm guessing its because a horizontal crack would make it impossible to deal your enemies a defensive one-handed wedgie pull maneuver. Thong panties might look slightly different too.

lee- I know! Right? I LOVE LOVE LOVE October Project. I got to meet Emil, Julie, and Marina two years ago. They're so awesome and so under appreciated.

jams- The crack won't prevent the truck from passing state inspections......and failing the neighborhood snob patrol inspectors.

stephanie- Dr. Seuss has his rhymes. T.S. Eliot had his light verse. Weird Al has his parody. I have my crack.

jen- From one cracker to another: You cracked me up. My windshield is beyond the realm of crack putty possibilities. The constant cold-hot-cold temps really made it spread faster than I thought it would.

Lyle said...

Keeping that tongue in your cheek for too long might make it stay there permanately.

compulsive writer said...

Only you.

Made me want to snort!

Radioactive Jam said...

What an awesome post. Just... awesome.

I don't suppose you happened to get any info on the cement truck? Cost of replacement might not exceed your insurance deductible, but if you got the truck company to file against *their* insurance, you wouldn't get charged for the repair.

Something similar happened to the Radioactive Spouse; the other guy's insurance paid for the fix.

Suzanne said...

LOL!!! Just remember "crack kills!" :D

No Cool Story said...

Crack is whack!
I have never seen a crack like that.
But once I got a little crack fixed: a parking lot crack guy offered to do it for free. Free crack fix? sounded to good to be true, but it was true, my insurance company authorized it (who knew they cared about my crack?) and so it was done.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

Holy crap. You have a HUGE crack.

JD said...

I have to agree with Millie that is one enormous crack.

Found you through Lianne's Bloggy.

jedimacfan said...

This is a great post and reminds me of one that I wrote.

White Man Retarded said...

Ahh, Crack kills, daddy, but I reply, yes, but my crack induces a strong sense of euphoria first that makes you want more...

Jennifer B. said...

Just discovered your blog -- hysterical!

Hope you get the help you need with your crack problem. (Now would that be 12 step, Weight Watchers, or Mr. Goodwrench?)

elasticwaistbandlady said...

lyle- My foot usually contends for space in my mouth displacing the tongue from my cheek quite frquently.

compulsive- I hope that I don't make you want to snort crack because "crack is whack!"

RAJ- The rock hit so low on the black part of the windshield I didn't notice it spreading for a couple of weeks. We don't have money for repairs, so I'm learning to love my crack. They need love too, you know.

suzanne- My crack reflects radiant rainbow beams that cascade down upon me, bathing me in luminescence. Can your crack do that?

NCS- They have crack whores up in Washington too, huh? I'd delight in telling people that my insurance paid for my crack. Sweet.

millie- I told you to stop staring. You're making me feel self-conscious now. :(

jd- Hola! Welcome to my little den of all things Infidel.

jedi- My favorite fishy is having a birthday! Here's a special cake for a special guy. Rounds of lemonade are on me! WOOOOOOTTTTT!

white man retarded- Cracked cracker, you are.

jennifer b.- My crack problem will be fine as long as I don't step on the crack thus breaking my mothers back.

compulsive writer said...

I love it that you get me. Stuff like that is lost on everyone here.

Kimberly said...

Me thought I had wandered into a den of iniquity...turned out it was your hilarious blog post. Thanks for the chuckle. Wish I'd read the post before all the good puns were snatched up. =P

Nadia said...

If things keep up as they are, I'd gladly pay someone to touch my crack.

You lucky.