Monday, February 05, 2007

Sometimes I Wear Stretchy Pants.....You Know, Just For Fun


Yesterday I had to break down and wear the bane of my wardrobe....... the dreaded red sweatpants. I only wear this scarlet monstrosity when absolutely necessary. Like when all my normal, neutral toned sweats are in the laundry and I'm on the verge of freezing to death. Then, and only then, will I resort to dressing like an extra cherry tomato left over from a Fruit Of The Loom panty commercial. I'm already fat and something about wearing an eye-catching red just seems to amplify it. I'm no fashion maven but I do have my bare minimum standards. Admittedly, the red sweats are the warmest in my vast sweat apparel collection due to their super fuzzy fleece interior, but I'd rather shiver in my worn out, faded black sweats than stoop to frolicking around like "The Lady In Red." I don't shave my legs much in the winter, and when I peel off the red sweats they always leave the tell tale crimson fuzz behind desperately clinging with all their fleecy might to my spiky leg hair. My kids were concerned one day because they actually thought my legs were bleeding. It was then that I had to tell them the sad truth that

red fuzz on the legs marks the beginning symptoms of the dreaded Elmo disease. It starts with the red fur slowly creeping up your lower limbs, and before you know it the fur balls maneuver its way up your body, conquering any clothes foolish enough to cross its path. It will even invade your cleavage and sacred belly button crevice. Your speaking voice slowly dissolves into a whiny high-pitched tone and you revert to baby speech and annoyingly referring to yourself in the first person. Sadly, full blown Elmo disease follows soon after. The next thing you know, you're mechanically doing the Hokey Pokey and bending over for complete strangers and you just can't seem to stop. The yearning for a Dorothy fish sandwich wedged unto a nice sesame bun becomes a constant craving too.
Hey, this is Elmo's World! You're just living in it, sucka.

The very worst fashion move possible, ladies, is to don the hideous red sweat combo. That's right. The sweatpants and the matching sweatshirt. It gives you a certain "Mrs. Claus" quality about you. I guarantee you that if you break the ten commandments of style and wear a monochromatic sweats outfit, you'll have to contend with Santa Claus wannabes everywhere leering at you to "come on over and sit my lap for awhile and tell me if you've been a naughty or nice little girl." That's precisely how my Mom and Dad started dating. Seriously.

I owned an electric blue pair of sweatpants back in my elementary school days. I stopped wearing them when the Smurf jokes aimed at me from my peers became too unbearable. My mom assured me that I didn't look at all Smurfy. In fact, she said I looked more like a blueberry. She even unfavorably compared me to bratty gum addict, Violet Beauregarde. :( I'll never forget the Valentines Day present she gave me of a purple sweatpants ensemble with multi-heart appliques dancing across it. I wasn't a hefty child at all, but after hearing incessant rounds of teasing that I looked like a tattooed grape,I grew irritated. The only grape categories I fit into was "Grape Of Wrath," and "Sour Grapes". I shelved my Grapes Of Love outfit into the dark recesses of my closet where it never saw the light of day again until Goodwill came knocking a few years later. I pity the poor girl that it undoubtedly got foisted onto. I hope people told her that she's a stunning purple vision of loveliness and not a tattooed grape.


I guess the main moral of this story is that fruit flavors and fruit colors are best left to rolls of Life Savers candy and Gay Pride parades. Adult sized sweatpants in certain colors should be forbidden territory. By the way, I'm typing all of this while wearing my dark gray zippered sweat hoodie, and heather gray drawstring sweatpants. Hanes Her Way brand, just in case you want to replicate my sophisticated Infidel fashion savvy for yourself.

22 comments:

Elizabeth-W said...

La la la la. La la la la Lastic's world! I'd like a photo, please, so I can recognize Elmo disease in its early stages.

Lyle said...

Here I thought that Elmo disease was the urge to buy one of those dolls...You've just described a more horrific virus...someone hold me.

Thanks for the laugh.

It does make you wonder at the wisdom of the retailer at times.

jams o donnell said...

I duon't know I thought the red fleece joggers looked fine.. Hold on does this mean I want to tickle Elmo? is this the forst sign of Elmo's disease????

No Cool Story said...

I don't think that I could ever even dream to replicate your oh so very sophisticated Infidel fashion, I’ll leave that to the professional, you. The wearing all different shades and flavors of the color spectrum is not an easy task. Seems like you have it down to a science.
Now, Elmo disease, perhaps there’s a good side to it, with all that fuzz you could fill up a pillow, and you could give it to Reagan, to sleep on it. I bet he’d like it.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

La la la la! La la la la! Elmo disease. See, Elizabeth took my comment so it isn't even funny anymore.

I had a white sweat outfit in 8th grade and my PE teacher called me "snowball". How flattering!

compulsive writer said...

Heather grey/gray is my favorite.

You're a very funny girl, you know? Thank the heavens for red fleece bringing your parents together.

I miss sweatpants!

Kimberly said...

If your posts start following Elmo's World format I am so outta here...and I only just got here.

There's something creepy about that guy...something about his eyes...

Thanks for the laughs...a lovely note to end my day on. ~shuffles off to dig out her hot pink sweat pants~ Oooo-er, matron!

carronin said...

My husband just singed us up at the rec. center in hopes that we would start exercising together. Every women needs a new pair of bright red sweats for the gym. Please tell me where you got yours.

"Chancho I need to borrow your sweats."

Suzanne said...

I think there is already Elmo disease at my house and my 3-year old has it! I don't think it's highly contagious so I'm not too worried! ;)

Carrotjello said...

I wear stretchy pants everyday of the week. Well, Sundays I wear stretch skirts, but then it's right back into the stretch pants when church is over.

omar said...

I'd be happy to man the phones if you wanted to hold an Elmo Disease Telethon.

And no matter what anyone says, I've never worn Hanes Her Way, and I never intend to.

Syar said...

Elmo disease...*shudder*. Thanks for opening all our eyes to such a horrible affliction.

Is there such a thing as Cookie Monster disease though? I wouldn't mind getting that.

I happen to think those red sweats look plenty comfortable, but I know exactly what you mean about dangerous-colours-for-bottoms.

And you so deserve a prize for best humor. This was extremely giggleANDchuckle worthy.

Syar said...

And nacho libre rocks!

jedimacfan said...

See, this is why I don't even wear pants anymore. In fact, even as I write this comment I'm... eh, never mind.

Chris said...

Give me back my stretchy pants you smiling infidel!

Because, oh blimey, I'm wearing yours.

NOOOO!!!

Lianne said...

I totally laughed about the red fuzz on the leg hair! I just shaved my legs for the first time since the accident! I don't even know what was living in the forest of no return.

Actually, I'm thinking about getting a pair of red strech pants... I'm all about the "glo".

wendela said...

I'm all for the red ones, elastic. But you're right- no matching red sweatshirt. Just don't wear bright lime green, as a co-worker did to work the other day. She's big enough that you, me and a couple others could fit in them together. Why she decides to proudly show off more than ample buttage and cellulite, I have no idea.* Isn't the idea that they be kinda loose and comfy? Guess "If ya got it, flaunt it and if ya don't, flaunt it anyway" is her motto. I'm all for gray, too. Gray and black = my wardrobe staples. (* I usually refrain from mentioning others' bad fashion choices - I mean, I am no fashionista. But maybe I feel okay mentioning her because she's stolen loads of things from many of us and everyone wishes she'd just go far, far away.)(Why is this new blogger making me enter the same comment 3 times?!)

Julie said...

I had to snort at Carronin's comment "My husband just singed us up..." Did he use a match or a lighter?

I used to have a pair of red sweat pants (with matching shirt). I got rid of the pants for the same reason you don't like to wear yours. I wish I'd known about Elmo disease or I'd have never bought them in the first place. If only I'd known you 11 years ago....

carronin said...

What I lak In spellin skillz, I make up with havin fabolus hare, and being nice to stranjers.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I'm happy to announce that my Elmo Disease is in full remission!!! It seems that the antidote lay in the bite of certain "Count" that lives on Sesame Street. I finally shaved the nasty red fuzz off my legs yesterday but now I have a strange sensation to slick back my hair and wear clothes that looks like they were stolen from witchy Stevie Nicks closet. And I can't stop counting and laughing weird either. One blog comment.....AH AH AH.......TWO blog comments....AH AH AH. One box of Twinkies......AH AH AH. ZERO boxes of Twinkies.....AH AH AH BUUUUUURRRRRRPPP!

Houston is plunged back into rainy gloom after three gorgeous days of superb weather. I'll be getting around to everyone blogs today as we're stuck inside oncemore. My bloggy absences are never voluntary, by the way. My Papi is off playing college boy and I have to fill in some of his part time work while he's at school. The glamorous life of a paper carrier never ends ya'all. Thank you guys for your awesome comments. You guys totally make me laugh!!!

Anonymous said...

um i read what u said about Equus - u seemed shocked that there would be anything of substance on the stage. well theatre was created to communicate big, incredible ideas. the immediacy and intimacy is what makes it exciting and meaningful. its more powerful than any screen. musicals have only been embraced in the past 60 years to the industrialisation of the western world. widen ur mind. go to the theatre. u'll like it.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

If broadening my "horizons" means watching naked young adults plunge spikes into the eyes of horses while acting out erotic bestiality urges, count me out. I don't want to see crap like that. I want my heart to soar and my spirit to sing. I recommend that when you denigrate someone elses opinion, you use proper punctuation, grammar, and spelling to do so. Trying to read your "writing" made my own eyes bleed.