Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Fertilize This!

Look at me. Look at how happy I am. Nothing makes me feel more fulfilled than fertilizing the weeded jungle that is my yard. I just can't get enough of it. Whenever I catch sight of my super duper special fertilizer spreader, my smile just grows ever broader. I practically prance joyfully as I push around my lethal weapon on wheels and listen to the plaintive cries of the weeds as I crush the life out of them.
Ummm, no. That's not really me. Truthfully, I would never garden in a clean and starchly pressed button down shirt. Who does that? Wouldn't wearing a belt impede bending over to do the nasty deeds involved with gardening? And look at that lady, you just know that she's only giving a cheesy smile for her big photo op and as soon as her moment in the flashing gardening paparazzi sun is over, she'll drop that fertilizer spreader like a hot potato and relinquish control of it back over to Jose and his landscaping crew that has dutifully tended her yard for the past two years. Hey, I'm just here to keep it real. For real, y'all.

So, how much of a lazy gardener am I? Well, I waited until a forecast of torrential rain before I dragged my mardy bum out to the garage to pull out our fertilizer spreader that only sees the light of day twice a year. You see, I didn't want to have to fertilize and water it into the yard too. Crap, what do you think I am? A gardening machine? No, better to let nature take care of the watering part. Here's where it gets good. My little monkey spawn, eager to escape the confines of the house, begged me to set them free with a promise of helping out in the yard. I told those little barefooted heathens that they better put on some shoes first. I squatted down in the yard and waited patiently for them to emerge from the house. They all burst happily through the front door and then just stopped, mid-step, to stare at me. My oldest daughter, Sunbum, screwed up her face, and asked me what I was doing. I told her simply, "Just fertilizing the yard without using environmentally damaging chemicals, honey. It's the Al Gore endorsed way." I then waved to the rest of my underage landscaping team, saying ,"Come on, you guys better hurry up and squat down to do your business too. We have a lot of ground to cover here."

And that, parents, is how you take crap from your children and use it to your advantage.

20 comments:

Kimberly said...

Okay, I just can't believe I'm going to go through the rest of my day with -that- mental picture cemented into my forebrain.

By the way, I'm waaaay lazier than you. I'm one of those prissy cringes when she gets dirty types who lets their husband do all the work.

Jennifer B. said...

Oh


my


goodness.

Lianne said...

I love that you can channel Randy Jackson while writing about gardening.

Fertilizer is just shit, baby. :)

Slackermommy said...

You're killing me! This post and your comment on my blog today have me laughing out loud.

Lia said...

What incredible innovation and efficiency! I'm in awe!

Rhonda said...

I guess I need to have more children, because my one little 20-month old can't fertilize a whole lawn by herself.

jams o donnell said...

Well that is wonderfully green (and brown of you too!) to get your kids to give back to mother earth. Think also of the water saved from flushing. Ewbl, the Green queen of Houston!

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

Uh, are you talking about taking a dump on your lawn?

Burg said...

Organic fertilizer.. You're officially a hippie.

BTW, public pooping is okay as long as it's for a political or artistic statement. I learned that on King of the Hill. So whenever you're done, pack up the poo-crew and spread that brown gold all over town!

No Cool Story said...

Well you know what I always say: "If Father Gore said this was the way to do it, that's the way it should be done".
He knows much more than we do.

=:O

Imma ( Alice) said...

That sounds Gorey... haha. Maybe I should research what Gore said as it's sounding interesting all of a sudden. Did he say anything about dog or cat poop as a fertilizer? Chinchilla poop? I know that rabbit and chicken are both good so I've got that part taken care of. Budgie poop is likely similar to chicken. But HUMAN? Yuck... I'd love to be able to use dog especially... I've got a LOT of that. :o) I'll leave the fertilizing up to my critters for now thanks.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

kimberly- I blogged last year about how the landscaping duties break down around the Infidel house.Yard Of The Month Envy Pretty much, my Papi is the Mexican with me, the white chick, doing the heavy yard labor. I laughed bitterly about that movie called "A Day Without A Mexican," because a day without a Mexican around my house just means I'm not going to get any. Cleaning, cooking, child care, and lawn stuff are all handled personally by the Great White Infidel. :0

jennifer- Don't go all slack jawed and dismayed on me, jen! My kids are homeschooled, so its very important that I, as their mother, expose them to some of the crassness that they're missing out on at the public school. Sometimes I pass notes and write mean things about them on the bathroom wall too.

lianne- I got that "YO" factor workin for me, dawg!

slackermommy- The acronym abuse counsel awards you the prize of the day for taking the time to type "Laugh Out Loud" without resorting to any lame abbreviations. Thank you for your effort.

lia- I'm thinking of starting our own fertilizer service. Interested? We offer carry out and delivery.

rhonda- Force feed her and then just sit back and watch the amazing poop production increase. Although, I'm not sure how healthy a Goldfish and raisin fertilized yard will turn out. Maybe you could supplement with some really good vitamins for nice lawn growth and nice baby growth too. Win-Win.

jams- Well, I'm only the Green Queen when I eat something I shouldn't have and get sick. Most days I look more like the Green Giant. The not wife is probably elbow deep in spring planting right now, would you be interested in some rich, dark, 100% natural Texas manure?

millie- Yes. Yes I am. I firmly believe in a little less talk and a lot more action though. (Thanks Toby Keith!) So, we're not just talking about dumping on the lawn.

burg- "Poo-Crew" That will look so great on our business cards. Thanks burg!

NCS- Luckily for Al, between him and Tipper there's plenty of, uh, 'fertilizer', to cover the lawns of all 5 of his mansions.

alice- So, one time my mom bought this 'cow' manure out close to a country store for her garden. Guess what? Watermelons started growing from it. I don't think cows eat watermelons. We really needed a CSI Poop Division detective to sort it all out but David Caruso was too busy licking his eyebrows and coming up with stupid deadpan remarks to take the case.

Suzanne said...

LOL! Hopefully you were fertilizing the backyard! ;)

Sketchy said...

When I first started reading I had thought abou commenting on how I have officially gotten out of the fertilizing the lawn business because as it turns out I am highly allergic to it, but after reading all the way through the post it just doesn't sound quite as realistic. However, I do hate getting that little bit of "fertilizer" on my fingers after wiping that happens occasionally.

jams o donnell said...

Well such an offer cannot be passed up ewbl, will you Fedex it?

Jennifer B. said...

EWL -- You think of everything! I am duly impressed by your consideration for your children. Way to keep them well-rounded and prepared for the real world! (So, have you ever knocked them down and stolen their lunch money?)

elasticwaistbandlady said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
elasticwaistbandlady said...

suzanne- Our poop knoweth no boundaries or limitations. Dare you impose restrictions on a force of nature?

sketchy- I consulted with my in house Oracle about your 'problem.' She recommends that you stop buying cheap toilet paper and splurge for the good stuff. I'm sending you a coupon.

jams-I'll UPS it. After all they thrive on being brown and even advertise the company with 'What Can BROWN Do For You?' Stain minimizing is important, you know.

jennifer-Homeschooling means that I get all the teacher gifts at Christmas. My oldest is now middle school age. I need to find a locker for sale on ebay so that she can have the experience of being shoved and locked into one. The things I do for my children....

carronin said...

After picking my kids up from school my 12 yr.old jumps out of the car and starts "watering" the bush in our front yard the same time a neighbor was driving by. I yelled at him of course, but now I realize he was just doing his part to save the environment.

on.the.run said...

Simon waited until he knew it was going to rain before he fertilezed the lawn, he used the methods of the chick in the picture, minus the button up shirt. The dog has done a pretty good job keeping it fertilized back there, I thought I would be better about keeping that mess cleaned up, I am just too lazy and never go back there and neither do the kids so I have no insentive. I really seems like someone would have invented a great use for people poo by now, doesn't it?