Fertilize This!

Look at me. Look at how happy I am. Nothing makes me feel more fulfilled than fertilizing the weeded jungle that is my yard. I just can't get enough of it. Whenever I catch sight of my super duper special fertilizer spreader, my smile just grows ever broader. I practically prance joyfully as I push around my lethal weapon on wheels and listen to the plaintive cries of the weeds as I crush the life out of them.
Ummm, no. That's not really me. Truthfully, I would never garden in a clean and starchly pressed button down shirt. Who does that? Wouldn't wearing a belt impede bending over to do the nasty deeds involved with gardening? And look at that lady, you just know that she's only giving a cheesy smile for her big photo op and as soon as her moment in the flashing gardening paparazzi sun is over, she'll drop that fertilizer spreader like a hot potato and relinquish control of it back over to Jose and his landscaping crew that has dutifully tended her yard for the past two years. Hey, I'm just here to keep it real. For real, y'all.

So, how much of a lazy gardener am I? Well, I waited until a forecast of torrential rain before I dragged my mardy bum out to the garage to pull out our fertilizer spreader that only sees the light of day twice a year. You see, I didn't want to have to fertilize and water it into the yard too. Crap, what do you think I am? A gardening machine? No, better to let nature take care of the watering part. Here's where it gets good. My little monkey spawn, eager to escape the confines of the house, begged me to set them free with a promise of helping out in the yard. I told those little barefooted heathens that they better put on some shoes first. I squatted down in the yard and waited patiently for them to emerge from the house. They all burst happily through the front door and then just stopped, mid-step, to stare at me. My oldest daughter, Sunbum, screwed up her face, and asked me what I was doing. I told her simply, "Just fertilizing the yard without using environmentally damaging chemicals, honey. It's the Al Gore endorsed way." I then waved to the rest of my underage landscaping team, saying ,"Come on, you guys better hurry up and squat down to do your business too. We have a lot of ground to cover here."

And that, parents, is how you take crap from your children and use it to your advantage.