Thursday, April 26, 2007

I'm In Mint Condition

Yes, I do indeed have a mint condition. So, all of you already know about my bendy chip compulsion. You know that my sandwiches must be sliced diagonally into cute little triangles. But I bet you didn't know about my special proclivity pertaining to individually wrapped peppermints, did you?

What's wrong with this innocent picture of the Dumass Taco candy dish? I'll tell you. The prestigious swirled peppermints should not have to fraternize with the inferior mint knockoffs lounging around in the middle of the dish as though they belong in the same neighborhood as the affluent swirled peppermint. That's just wrong. Look at the plainly dull white center of the knockoff mints. They're so freakin boring, I get a narcoleptic attack just looking at them. I've always felt an unexplainable attraction towards swirlies my entire life. Whether that entail dunking my brother's head into the toilet for an old-fashioned swirlie, or fruit swirlies in my yogurt, the Infidel consensus is that SWIRLIES ROCK! I'm an American, and I'm using my God-given freedom and right to refuse to partake of just any old peppermint. No, the mint must bear the Infidel preferred swirly stamp of perfection, or I don't want none of it. Peppermint Patty got my back on this matter too, dawg. When I hit it big, my appearance conditions will include a demand for me and my entire entourage to have unlimited swirled peppermints provided for us along with all the TV's in my dressing room playing non-stop 'Breakin 2:Electric Boogaloo' , movie marathons. It's a deal breaker for me.

I may spit a lot when I talk, but at least it's spittle candy coated in minty fresh goodness. Mmmmm.


Toni said...

OMG! Never have I found peppermint candy so funny and fascinating!

Burg said...

I agree with Toni.. Now, I myself can know a good peppermint from one that isn't up to snuff..

Syar said...

what are the orange ones? Mint wannabees? They're not even red! Or stripey.

Elizabeth-W said...

I like the green ones myself. But I can appreciate your aesthetic.
One time I sucked on a peppermint then put it back in teh wrapped and gave it to my dad (he didn't know it was already damp). He wasn't really paying attention, so he unwrapped it and popped it into his mouth. I pointed out to him that the wrapped looked a little soggy. He just said maybe a little water got spilled on it. Then I said, well maybe some snot-nosed three year old ate a bit of it, found it too spicy, then wrapped it back up. That thing came flying out his mouth and across the restaurant parking lot.
That's my mint story.

Sketchy said...

Have you considered therapy? I mean you know if it worked for that guy on Grey's Anatomy...he's cured now I hear... said...

The good thing about the ones that are white in the middle is that when you suck on them for long enough the red disapears first leaving a spoke like shape of whiteness. If you continue on the white middle part gets little holes in it which I enjoy. I have to admist though I usualy can't wait till the end and crunch the thing as soon as it enters my mouth.

omar said...

Only marginally related:

In my mind, I always confuse "narcolepsy" and "necrophilia." I do the same thing with "benevolent" and "belligerent."

Suzanne said...

Ooh, have you ever tasted the Cinnamint ones, Elastic? They have swirls just like your beloved peppermint candies, but with cinnamon flavor too. Yum! :D

BarnGoddess said...

nothing like having fresh breath!

I never knew there was a difference in peppermint candy.

Ive been educated...never again will I buy those cheap kind.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Toni- In the world of peppermints, there is a difference. Accept no substitutes.

burg- I am an Infidel of discriminating tastes.

syar- Peppermint snobs like me don't even acknowledge the nastiness that is butterscotch candies. We stick our upturned noses into the air and shun those little monstrosities.

elizabeth- There's a restaurant here called Jalapeno's. They have the best mints in the entire world because some are lime flavored and others are chocolate mint. It's Mint Xanadu! Us Infidels share germs all the time. We even have a communal water cup by the fridge.

sketchy- Only if it's MINT aromatherapy.

on the run- How many licks to the center of a peppermint? The world may never know....

omar-I've had narcoleptic attacks when extremely bored. Never, have I ever had a Necrophilia attack, though. EWWWWWW

suzanne- I try to stay away from anything with a sin/cin sound. It keeps me purer and more pious that way.

barngoddess- You were schooled at the House of Infidel this fine day....for FREE!

Now then, I really wanted to add a song to the tune of Sir-Mix-A-Lots 'Baby Got Back, but good taste prevailed.

"My Infidel-y don't want none unless they got swirls, hon!"

jams o donnell said...

Hm I must vehemetly disagree.. mints should be big white horse pills!

But that's pretty good rider! I would make it more outrageous - make sure the mints are flown in from Dumass and presented in a solid gold platter held by oh, say Kinky Friedman!

Lei said...

Well, I am happy to say that I know my authentic mints and I'll have NO substitutions. At all.


Thanks for stopping by and praising Jonatha! Unfortunately that is the only song of hers hosted by Best Audio Codes. I need to do some searching for other host sites!

And I totally grew up in H-town.

MIllie and her David Bowie socks said...


Thank you for that new song. I've been going around with that annoying nest egg piano music stuck in my head.

My David Bowie socks disagree with you. They say butterscotch is de rockin'-est. :)


elasticwaistbandlady said...

That David Bowie thinks he's King Of The Cool Mints. I say he's just a Junior Mint in training, though.

Mr. Dumass said...

elastic, come and get your free t-shirt at the restaurant;)

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Are you sure you have a T-shirt big enough to stretch across the Great Elastic Mountains??!!!??

My papers came in late yesterday and I didn't pick them up because of the big storm. I'll have to have a Dumass rendezvous a little later in the week. Have you heard the buzz? Supposedly, the next big bloggy woman meetup is destined for Houston in 2008. I already told them that we need to hold the event at Dumass Taco!