Friday, May 11, 2007

'The Cha-Cha Slide'.......One Of The Greatest Love Songs Of All Time!

An Ancient Infidel Proverb: "He Who Live In Small House With Many Young Grasshoppers Must Cover Mating Ritual Sounds By Playing Loud Music."
And so, that leads us to today's story. Papi and I believe in absolute discretion when it comes to matters of amore. I mean, sure, we do have six kids to symbolize our love and to show that we have, in fact, 'done it,' but you'll never find us groping each other during Sacrament meeting or flaunting inappropriately racy behaviour out in public. Occasionally, we will engage in a mutual KISS outside the confines of our home. That would be Prince's version of KISS. Papi told me that I don't have to watch 'Dynasty,' to have an attitude.

Our love is big, but alas, our house is small. Papi and I have taken to loudly playing music off computer playlists during our conjugal moments in order to disguise any mysterious sounds that would inevitably raise questions among our many mini-Infidels. While fitting, no, Donna Summer's moany, breathy, 'Love To Love You, Baby,' did not gain entrance into any of the coveted Infidel playlists.

Well, during one such occasion, I absent-mindedly clicked the play button without checking the list first. The retro sounds of 'We Are Family' filled the room, and Papi and I were good to go. A few minutes later, though, DJ Casper and his unforgettable 'Cha-Cha Slide' began barking out aerobic dance commands to a thumping beat. Do you know how disconcerting it is to try to love up your man while another man continues telling you "Slide to the left, slide to the right, now clap?" Nasty DJ Casper kept asking, "How low can you go?" And I was like, "That's none of your freakin business, DJ Casper!" It's so hard not to fall into his hypnotic spell and obey his every word. It seriously took every ounce of strength to refrain from doing the 'Charlie Brown' and the 'Cha-Cha' when DJ Casper told me to. I knew then that I had clicked our kid's songlist and that the finest in children's entertainment was providing the backdrop music for our afternoon delight.

Our listening fun didn't end with just the 'Cha-Cha Slide'......... oh no! 'Cha-Cha Slide' was promptly followed up by The Wiggles 'Hot Potato.' I mean, I regard my Papi as super hot, but not exactly a Hot Potato. A state of nakedness already brings out feelings of awkwardness and low self-esteem in me, I really didn't need Raffi calling me 'Baby Beluga' over and over again to enforce those feelings. Oh well, at least we didn't have 'The Hokey-Pokey' saved to the playlist. Putting your right arm in, and your left leg in, and then your whole self in, and shakin it all about, might have proved a very painful experience.


mcewen said...

I was quite tempted with your solution [music] regarding those intimate moments, but now I'm having second thoughts.

Toni said...

So what you are telling me. O' lover of music- is that if I hear the music a rockin', don't come a nockin'?

Your comment about maxi pads had me in tears! I am the SAME way with my Always!!

Carrotjello said...

It's been a long time since a post made me laugh until I cried. I will never be able to listen to that song without thinking about you with your husband. Thanks for that visual, and thanks for the laugh. Honestly, I really needed that. I'm still chuckling.

Kimberly said...

I've never laughed with my nose wrinkled up before. What a peculiar sensation. I'll never listen to Raffi the same way again.

BarnGoddess said...

omg, now when my Wee One is watching The WIggles and singing along 'hot potata' Im gonna always think of you! lol

thnx for your comment on my post yesterday.

omar said...

Slide to the left
Slide to the right
Criss cross... Criss cross
Cha cha real smooth

Let's go to work

Take it back now, y'all.
Hands on your knees
Hands on your knees
Get funky with it
Awwwww yeah
C'mon, cha cha now, y'all

carronin said...

Hey wasn't the Cha-Cha Slide on the cd I sent you? Had I known that you play music during your "martial relations" I would have put some Bryan Adams on there in my personal experience he has the best love making songs. 'Lets Make a Night to Remember' even gives you a play by play on what to do during copulation.

Burg said...

The Hokey Pokey would most certainly NOT be a good song for lovin'.

b. said... hell! I nearly peed my pants!! You are just too funny!
That woulda been some serious shrinkage at hoss' house!

b. said...

wait....I gotta go download me some Bryan Adams.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

mcewen- I hear the new Barney CD is swingin, though!

Toni- I'm a feminine hygiene snob!

carrot- Based on your testimonial, I read this to my mom.........she wasn't amused. I don't know when she got so prude. :(

kimberly- I never want to listen to Raffi again, period! He can find some other hoe to call Baby Beluga to.

barn goddess- Well, Hot Potato has gone bad for me, but Fruit Salad is still yummy, yummy.

omar- First DJ Casper, and now you too? Quit trying to order me around, I'll cha-cha when I feel like it!

carronin- I'll have to look up the lyrics for that one. Maybe the 'Summer Of 69' really meant something else entirely. Hmmmmm.

burg- Unless you're a roller skating rink DJ.

b.- Papi can tune things out, I can't. Oh that carronin, she's a one woman force to revitalize Bryan Adam's career!

jams o donnell said...

Hmm people like Barry White in such situations but I say who needs the Walrus of Lurrrve when you have Robyn Hitchcock, the King Prawn of deep affection!

No Cool Story said...

I love Infidel Freak Secrets!
I'm cha-chaing very slowly, since the doc said to take it easy.

PS: those white people on the video? yeah right, everyone knows white folks can't get funkay wit it.

wynne said...

*snicker* Oh, heavens, there should be a warning somewhere on your blog--surgeon general's warning: do not eat while reading this blog. You will probably choke, since gut-busting laughter is NOT a good idea while trying to chew.

I was trying to think of more inappropriate songs, but all I could think of was Better Midler's "From a Distance." Y'know, with the chorus of "God is watching us" repeated over and over? (hokey-pokey. *SNORT*)