Sunday, May 13, 2007

If It Wasn't For My Mother And Failed Contraception I Wouldn't Be Here Writing To You All Today!

You see all these naughty kittens? It's obvious they lost their mittens, and now they shall have no pie. Why do you think creepy mommy cat is smiling? It's certainly not due to the furry fruit of her pussy loins ceaselessly squirming and crawling all over her. No. It's because she knows that she just scored herself an entire pie since she doesn't have to share with her ungrateful mitten losing spawn. What, do they think kitten mittens just grow on freakin kitten mitten trees?
So, what does a destitute Smiling Infidel give to her own Mama on Mother's Day? Well, I broke out ye olde DJ Infidel turn tables and scratched up a trio of specially mixed CD's just for her! And then to make the gift seem more personal, I took time out of my busy, busy schedule to print some pictures off the Internet to stand in as custom CD case covers. What a good daughter am I. In all fairness, The Ghost Of Mother's Day Past knows that I used to put forth more effort, but this year I have my Papi finishing his last two semesters of college (no student loans!) and homeschool/pre-school curriculum and tuition for 6 kids to pony up.(no student loans!) I did pick out tasteful music even though I secretly wanted to burn 'Bootylicious,' and 'Hollaback Girl,' onto the CD's. I thought better of it when I realized that a move like that would likely jeopardize my birthday gift status one week from now.

And finally, what Mother's Day gift would be complete without precious memories of your children encapsulated in keepsake pictures? I am my Mom's only daughter and oldest child, after all. My Mama delights in recounting tales of how monstrous I behaved as a child, so I thought it only fitting that I send her my absolute best 'Grudge' pose to frame and prominently display on the coffee table. I found a great glow-in-the-dark hockey mask at the dollar store too, but I'm saving that little beauty for next year. Won't my Mom feel proud when she tells visitors to her home that yes, her daughter is indeed the Bride Of Jason!

To All You Mother's, Mommie Dearests, Baby Mamas, Big Mommas, Mami Chulas, and Mother Truckers Out There........................Happy Mother's Day!

23 comments:

Toni said...

Happy Mother's Day to you EWBL! Once again- you make me giggle, snort and cackle! And it IS very sexy!

Elizabeth-W said...

Happy Mother's Day!!
Did your people make you breakfast?

jams o donnell said...

LOL ewbl you can double up as Sadako out of Ring while you're at it! Happy mothers day (we had our mother's day here in March)

on.the.run said...

Your grudge picture made me laugh out load. Did you see the Grudge II? It was pretty funny, esp the part when the principle makes that crackly sucking in of air... soooo funny.

Happy happy mother's day EBWL dear, happy days will come to you all year, if I had a wish then it would be minimal laundry and dishes for thee.

Amber said...

Funny, my mom spent the day reminding me of what a monster baby I was as well. But "failed contraception?" I snorted over that one. Big time.

Happy Mama's Day!

Kimberly said...

Frankly, I think that was as seriously sweet gift. Heck, what do you come up with when you actually put effort into it?

tAnYeTTa said...

happy mother's day!! toni sent me here! :)

Radioactive Jam said...

This might be the... strangest mother's day tribute(?) post I've ever seen. Which is of course definitely meant as a compliment.
:-)

BarnGoddess said...

happy belated by 1 day mom's day to you too!! I hope you had a good one :)

omg the Grudge pic, lol

youve got beautiful hair BTW!

No Cool Story said...

Happy Mother's Day Elastic!!
ITA with RAJ :D You never dissapoint my friend.

Suzanne said...

I think you may be the busiest Mom I know! Happy Mother's Day, Elastic! :D

wynne said...

I think my favorite was the title of this post. Yes, indeed. Hooray for failed contraception! (Happy Mo' Day.)

Carrotjello said...

Hey, I'm here because of failed contraception too. Yay for us unwanted children. We turned out to be the favorites.

mcewen said...

Clearly you and I are from different generations that it to say I am older by far than your own mother. As a consequence my mother doesn't even know what a CD is! Something to do with savings?
Happy Mummy's Day
sorry I'm so late, it takes me a while to get around in my bath chair.

carronin said...

The way I see it your Mom should be proud of her hard working, paper throwing, children teaching, brillantly funny with fabulous hair daughter.

Tori :) said...

I hope you had a good mother's day. I am so sorry to hear of your friends tragedy. That is horrible.

Millie said...

If it wasn't for my mom getting drunk on her 21st birthday, I wouldn't be here either!!!!

And you DID actually just say "furry fruit of her pussy loins." That wasn't a bloggy mirage.

:: blink blink :: I'm awake now!

b. said...

I am soooo with millie, I almost choked on my spit.

mcewen said...

Can't find an email address for you for the right words, but feeble prayers from one source wing their way towards that family.
best wishes

Suzanne said...

I'm thinking of you and your friends, Elastic! What a terrible loss! Take all the time you need. We'll be here patiently waiting for your return! :)

An Ordinary Mom said...

Your family and your friends family will be in my prayers. What a tragic loss ... and of all days for the loss to happen!

b. said...

Since I don't have your email....Happy Birthday!!

Millie said...

Happy Birthday! :)