If It Wasn't For My Mother And Failed Contraception I Wouldn't Be Here Writing To You All Today!

You see all these naughty kittens? It's obvious they lost their mittens, and now they shall have no pie. Why do you think creepy mommy cat is smiling? It's certainly not due to the furry fruit of her pussy loins ceaselessly squirming and crawling all over her. No. It's because she knows that she just scored herself an entire pie since she doesn't have to share with her ungrateful mitten losing spawn. What, do they think kitten mittens just grow on freakin kitten mitten trees?

So, what does a destitute Smiling Infidel give to her own Mama on Mother's Day? Well, I broke out ye olde DJ Infidel turn tables and scratched up a trio of specially mixed CD's just for her! And then to make the gift seem more personal, I took time out of my busy, busy schedule to print some pictures off the Internet to stand in as custom CD case covers. What a good daughter am I. In all fairness, The Ghost Of Mother's Day Past knows that I used to put forth more effort, but this year I have my Papi finishing his last two semesters of college (no student loans!) and homeschool/pre-school curriculum and tuition for 6 kids to pony up.(no student loans!) I did pick out tasteful music even though I secretly wanted to burn 'Bootylicious,' and 'Hollaback Girl,' onto the CD's. I thought better of it when I realized that a move like that would likely jeopardize my birthday gift status one week from now.

And finally, what Mother's Day gift would be complete without precious memories of your children encapsulated in keepsake pictures? I am my Mom's only daughter and oldest child, after all. My Mama delights in recounting tales of how monstrous I behaved as a child, so I thought it only fitting that I send her my absolute best 'Grudge' pose to frame and prominently display on the coffee table. I found a great glow-in-the-dark hockey mask at the dollar store too, but I'm saving that little beauty for next year. Won't my Mom feel proud when she tells visitors to her home that yes, her daughter is indeed the Bride Of Jason!

To All You Mother's, Mommie Dearests, Baby Mamas, Big Mommas, Mami Chulas, and Mother Truckers Out There........................Happy Mother's Day!