Saturday, May 26, 2007
I Scream, You Scream, We all Scream For...... Professional Screamers?
Long have I wandered aimlessly down an often confusing life path fraught with perils and disappointment to find an optimal career that will bring me happiness along with mountains of untold riches. At one time I felt a strong determination to work towards eradicating the dreaded 'Third Boob' Syndrome that busty women like myself suffer from inferior bras neglecting their lift and separate duties. My interest waned and I moved on to devising unique recipes involving SPAM in hopes of getting a sweet SPAM cookbook publishing deal. Apparently, someone already thought of SPAM cupcakes and I realized that perhaps this profession had reached a point of saturation. Oh what to do, what to do? Surely my destiny in life doesn't revolve around throwing newspapers for an eternity, does it?
Inspiration smacked me upside my addled head last week while listening to my new favorite group, Dutch Goth Rock band, Within Temptation. Their music usually retains a lush folklore-ish feel to it as the gorgeous Sharon den Adel bursts forth with soaring angelic vocals that make you feel as though you turned a wrong corner somewhere and ended up lost in a J.R.R. Tolkien landscape. Well, they've taken a different direction with the recently released CD 'The Heart Of Everything.' The first big track 'What Have You Done Now?' pairs up lovely and demure, Sharon, with an obnoxious guy who yells at her through the entirety of the song. And then, it hit me......
I've mothered children for 12 years now. Needless to say, I've honed and elevated the ancient art of screaming to all new heights. Upon further contemplation I realized that without their potent screamer, would Linkin Park have risen to the top of the charts? Where would Evanescence's career have gone without their screamer guy backing up Amy Lee in the huge breakout hit, 'Bring Me To Life?' Yes, the world of rock needs people with mad screamer skillz, and I got em!
I aspire to becoming the most sought after guest screamer the world has ever known. I'm envisioning bands far and wide begging me to collaborate with them to give their song the extra scream-tinged oomph that only a specially trained screamer like myself can bring. Maybe I'll even take my vociferous talents mainstream. Ah, yes, I'm mentally picturing the glowing marquee now...........THE MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR FEATURING SPECIAL GUEST SCREAMER ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY LIVE AND IN PERSON FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY! I wonder if special guest screamer people get crowds of adoring screaming fans? That might feel threatening like they're competitively trying to edge me out of my chosen screamer profession. I'll definitely have to impose strict contractual vows of silence as a requisite for all concert ticket sales.
Truly, I've heard people often remark that I'm "such a scream," my entire life. It's time to turn my irascible quirks into a profitable venture!
Sunbum adores Within Temptation's beautifully epic song, Angels, the most, but I'm more partial to the fabulous story telling properties of Stand My Ground. I declare them to be Holland's greatest national treasure. Well, aside from the whole tulip and wooden clog thing. I do love my clogs, just not of the toilet variety.