Saturday, May 26, 2007

I Scream, You Scream, We all Scream For...... Professional Screamers?



Long have I wandered aimlessly down an often confusing life path fraught with perils and disappointment to find an optimal career that will bring me happiness along with mountains of untold riches. At one time I felt a strong determination to work towards eradicating the dreaded 'Third Boob' Syndrome that busty women like myself suffer from inferior bras neglecting their lift and separate duties. My interest waned and I moved on to devising unique recipes involving SPAM in hopes of getting a sweet SPAM cookbook publishing deal. Apparently, someone already thought of SPAM cupcakes and I realized that perhaps this profession had reached a point of saturation. Oh what to do, what to do? Surely my destiny in life doesn't revolve around throwing newspapers for an eternity, does it?

Inspiration smacked me upside my addled head last week while listening to my new favorite group, Dutch Goth Rock band, Within Temptation. Their music usually retains a lush folklore-ish feel to it as the gorgeous Sharon den Adel bursts forth with soaring angelic vocals that make you feel as though you turned a wrong corner somewhere and ended up lost in a J.R.R. Tolkien landscape. Well, they've taken a different direction with the recently released CD 'The Heart Of Everything.' The first big track 'What Have You Done Now?' pairs up lovely and demure, Sharon, with an obnoxious guy who yells at her through the entirety of the song. And then, it hit me......

I've mothered children for 12 years now. Needless to say, I've honed and elevated the ancient art of screaming to all new heights. Upon further contemplation I realized that without their potent screamer, would Linkin Park have risen to the top of the charts? Where would Evanescence's career have gone without their screamer guy backing up Amy Lee in the huge breakout hit, 'Bring Me To Life?' Yes, the world of rock needs people with mad screamer skillz, and I got em!

I aspire to becoming the most sought after guest screamer the world has ever known. I'm envisioning bands far and wide begging me to collaborate with them to give their song the extra scream-tinged oomph that only a specially trained screamer like myself can bring. Maybe I'll even take my vociferous talents mainstream. Ah, yes, I'm mentally picturing the glowing marquee now...........THE MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR FEATURING SPECIAL GUEST SCREAMER ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY LIVE AND IN PERSON FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY! I wonder if special guest screamer people get crowds of adoring screaming fans? That might feel threatening like they're competitively trying to edge me out of my chosen screamer profession. I'll definitely have to impose strict contractual vows of silence as a requisite for all concert ticket sales.

Truly, I've heard people often remark that I'm "such a scream," my entire life. It's time to turn my irascible quirks into a profitable venture!

Sunbum adores Within Temptation's beautifully epic song, Angels, the most, but I'm more partial to the fabulous story telling properties of Stand My Ground. I declare them to be Holland's greatest national treasure. Well, aside from the whole tulip and wooden clog thing. I do love my clogs, just not of the toilet variety.

20 comments:

Toni said...

3rd boob??? If I don't have the correct bra- I have 4!! the bra cuts them each in half! I would like to stick to the standard issue of 2!

You are a scream!!

No Cool Story said...

Screaming Meme has a label. Cool.

You are my Cool Music Introductor Liaison EWBL.
Fashionista and I enjoy screaming songs, weird things is, whenever we hear them on regular non-Ethel/Fred stations, they edit the screaming parts out, weird huh?

Thank you for introducing me to Within Temptation, they are cool.
I love LP, even if people make fun of me.

Sketchy said...

As long as the blog continues, go follow your scream young blood...

Amanda said...

Scream on! If one is given the gift of scream, one must develop it, thus blessing the lives of countless others with their gift! lol

Kimberly said...

Don't hide that light under a bushel!

Considering my hubby's Dutch roots, I really ought to seek out some of that highly acclaimed music. You know, for purely cultural reasons, of course.

Tori :) said...

Scream away EWBL. Scream away.

jams o donnell said...

It ain't over till the Infidel sings.. You go girl. I quite liked teh Within Temptation videos you pointed me to. Their CDs are quite cheap here. Maybe worth £5 or £6 to see what they are like across an album

nikko said...

Oh barf. I'm so glad I finished my dinner before I clicked on that SPAM cupcake recipe.

Annie said...

THE MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR FEATURING SPECIAL GUEST SCREAMER ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY LIVE AND IN PERSON FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY!

I'd pay good money, as opposed to bad money, to see that.

Speaking of spam cupcakes. Last night, while making smores, the kiddos and I decided that Chicken Flavored Marshmallows would be huge sellers!

mcewen said...

Maybe you should have attached a podcast of your scream and a poll that we might have independently evaluated the potential of the success of your new career?
I suspect however, that the smallest member of my family could outscream everyone else on the planet! Longer, louder and more shrill that the average carton of earplugs can manage.
Cheers

Elizabeth-W said...

What does one wear to a concert involving MoTab and a screamer?

Chris said...

Nightwish makes Within Temptation sound like, like, um, like not tempting music! But honestly speaking, girls screaming in metal bands does nothing for me. It just sounds painful.

Syar said...

I think I'm a horrible screamer. Would I too need a third boob and a few kids to achieve your level of screaminess? Cause that might take a few years to achieve. Will I at least get free tickets to the scream show?

Radioactive Jam said...

Yes but you must be able to scream ON KEY. Or at least drown out any and everyone else singing remotely on key.

Either way should work. And if not, you could always move to Vegas and tout yourself as a former backup singer for Menudo.

BarnGoddess said...

let me know if its profitable, I may want to hone in on a corner of your screaming market...I get enough practice and could be classified as a pro these days.

omg, the dreaded 3rd or 4th booby popping over a poorly designed and fitted bra.....it is criminal what cheap bras do to us curvacious women of the world.

Millie said...

Have you ever noticed the "Disney scream?" The main character of any Disney movie, animated or live action, must perfect the Disney scream before he or she can act or provide a voice for these movies. It goes like this:

"UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

And now you've been educated. You're welcome.

Spam cupcakes - please.

Annie said...

UNSHUN, 12 hours and counting. RESHUN.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

You can't shun me because I shun you and your curtains first! Yeah, that's right your curtains are SHUNNED!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Thank you ladies for all of your third boob sympathy and affirmation. Sometimes I feel like I'm all alone in this big, bad, squished boobie world.

Toni- You should hear me scream..........for ice cream. I save my loudest voice for that.

NCS- As a future professional screamer I believe screaming censorship is a moral sin. I must consult with Ozzy and Iggy about this matter.

sketchy- I tried to audition for Bravheart and replicate the infamous Mel Gibson scream, alas, he looks better in a skirt than I.

Amanda-Scream on? Wasn't that an Aerosmith song? "Scream on, scream on, scream until your dreams come true?" Steven Tyler:Fish Lipped prophet.

Kimberly- My Granny be from Holland. Her whole family moved here and basically took over Michigan. There's more Battjes/DeNooyer spawn than you can shake a stick at. Does your husband make lame 'TULIP/TWO LIP' jokes? Does he make Flying Dutchman references? That's the mark of true Dutch heritage, you know.

Tori- Listen up, missy, it's not like I need your permission! I'll scream when and wherever I want to. I'm going to scream RIGHT NOW and you can't stop me!

jams- Me likey Within Temptation, they rock harder than most Mormon Mommy music without crossing the line of good taste and moral blasphemy.

nikko- Don't lie, I know you clicked on the recipe to bring it to the next Ward Potluck.

Annie- Yes. We'll market them with Spam Cupcakes in a value pack.

mcewen- I have several different tonations to my screams so it doesn't get boring. Scream variety is the spice of life.....

EW- You wear a black skull and bones T-shirt on top and a long, flowing, Mormon Mama standard issue flowered skirt on the bottom. Rose tattoos complete the evening look.

chris- BLASPHEMOUS INFIDEL! I don't like Nightwish. Tarja's voice is too deep and guttural and I don't like the replacement chick either. Within Temptation can rock my body while lifting my soul at the same time which isn't an easy feat. Besides, I think pro screamers just enhance lead vocals. I don't expect to take over the lead singer position.

Syar- One free ticket to Lastic Scream Fest 2007.

RAJ- Well, I've mastered all of Tom Jones Greatest Hits in fluctuating screams. "It's not unusual to be loved by anyone...."

barn goddess- Underwire is the scourge of humanity! And the little sharp pokey wires make me want to scream. Good screaming practice technique.

millie- I learned all I ever needed to know about screaming from Macaulay Culkin in 'Home Alone.'

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Hey Annie, you can just stick it where the SHUN don't shine!