Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Pop Tarts: The Box That Pandora Opens When She's Looking For A Treat

The Infidel family wields our sanctified purity like a big stick. So, naturally, when I realized that unscrupulous marketers, eager to oversexualize our impressionable children, had moved onto furthering their seedy agenda with the animal cracker market, I knew that the time had drawn nigh to seek out a snack food without heathen ties to it. Pornographic images of copulating animal crackers do not belong at our hallowed kitchen table. I felt an inspired prompting to begin buying Pop Tarts as a wholesome alternative to the X-Rated animal crackers. Sadly, the heartbreak of Pop Tart addiction soon followed.
Ummmm, NO, not these supposed Pop Tarts that are really Cheeseballs in Pop Tart disguise. We've received divine instruction to partake of all things in moderation. I couldn't stand idly by and allow my beloved mini-Infidels to spiral down into the swirling vortex of Pop Tart dependency, so I forced them to face their empty calorie addiction and stop cold turkey. The Infidel Homestead has remained Pop Tart free and clean for 2 weeks now, but the hallucinatory withdrawal symptoms linger on. I say.....Be Gone Devil Cat Of Doom In The Pop Tart Box. I know who ye are!

Pop Tarts have proven a cruel mistress. Look at their blindingly shiny packages that beckon and tempt us weak mortals, flauntingly playing on our love of reflective things to lure us into their sinfully delicious web. We're Texans, and as such, my boys wear cowboy boots and big belt buckles. The Pop Tart demons that we worked so diligently to defeat, once again reared their ugly heads yesterday. My boys polish up their cowboy boots every Sunday for Church using the pre-moistened wipes infused with shoe polish that you see pictured on the right, next to its Pop Tart twin. Some hapless soul left that Pop Tart package doppelganger out on the kitchen counter, thus forcing all who passed by its leering metallic shininess to pounce upon it and scream with obvious insatiable Pop Tart lust, "Pop Tarts! We have Pop Tarts in the house again. Rejoice!" My strong moral compass wavered, as I too fell victim to the ruse, and stampeded over my kids in an attempt to try and grab the assumed Pop Tart package first and claim it as my own.
Such wicked and unholy deceptions.

17 comments:

jams o donnell said...

Oh dear.. but on teh othe hand you would ahve litters of little animal crackers and be self sufficient within the year.

You know what? I am a pop tart virgin. I've always neant to get a pack but I never have. Something is obviously missing in my life.

Tori :) said...

Those animal crackers make me think of this tshirt a guy got sent home from school for wearing in the 8th grade. It involved lizards, in various, um, positions?? Who buys their 8th graders shirts like that??
My little brother literally survived off pop tarts from age 4 to 5. That's all he'd eat and he turned out ok.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

There's a first time for everything, jams. I recommend that you get a non-iced variety for your first experience becoming one with the Pop Tart. The iced are just way too sweet and artificially colored. You'll be farting sugar rainbows the rest of the day.

jams o donnell said...

I shall hie me to the store straight away. oh and you've been tagged

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Tori- The same people who bought Corona and Spuds McKenzie shirts for their kids back then, and the same people who buy their kids really gory wrestling/concert shirts and wife beaters now. I totally remember the shirt you're referencing! I'm not that old, you know. The Pop Tart ban came about because I'm trying to steer the family towards healthier eating and with a brood of kids like I have, an entire box of Pop Tarts disappeared at one sitting. They're Pop Tart snobs too, because they turned up their nose in disgust at the dollar store brand. My little brother lived on nothing but hot dogs between the ages of 3 and 4 and has lived to tell the tale.

jams- I'm always tagged, jams. Skin tags, price tags, toll road EZ TAG.

I'm off to work but I'll be back to read you guys this evening. And don't even think that I've forgotten that today is Gay Tuesday! I'm going to showcase some nice modern Gay Tuesday music as opposed to last weeks retro offering.

No Cool Story said...

I am saying "No" to Animal craker P0rn. Down with Craker p0rn! Oh the shame, won't someone think of the children?

Hot fugde sunday pop tarts are the Yum Elastic, hmmm.

No Cool Story said...

PS: I really like Keane :D

PS2: I forgot it was Gay Tuesday.
Happy Gay Tuesday Elastic!

Amanda said...

I stood in front of the poptarts at the store the other day holding a box in my hand contemplating whether or not to buy them. Part of me said no, they are worthless and have no nutrional value whatsoever, your kids are better off eating an apple. The other part of me said, you used to love these as a kid, why deny your kids the opportunity to snack on the tasty, yumminess that is poptarts? The second voice won. I took my box of unfrosted poptarts (that is the only way I could get the other voice to shutup) and headed home to share them with my children. For some reason they didn't taste as good as I had remembered...

BarnGoddess said...

I have a confession.

I am a poptart whore......

I just cant get enough and I hide them from my family.

pray for me!

compulsive writer said...

Suddenly I am completely craving Pop Tarts! How much did they pay you for that???

mcewen said...

You certainly give out a mixed message. I've not taken that route myself due to a few factors like temperature control, my aversion to anything in a wrapper than has 'easy open' written anywhere about it and a feeble toaster.
Cheers

Amber said...

Oh. My. Gosh.

I'm putting that animal cracker as my screen saver...

:-)

Tori :) said...

My kids won't eat the generic poptarts either. And with 10 packs in a big box and 7 kids... Yeah, they don't last long here either. :)

carronin said...

They should hire someone at the Animal Cracker factory whose sole job is to seek out fornicating crackers and do away with them.
Speaking of naughty T-shirts I remember seeing a T-shirt as a young impressionablle child with a couple of pigs doing it and the shirt said "making bacon".

omar said...

Pop Tarts got me through college, so it's hard for me to hate on them. However, I have tried my best to avoid them over the past couple of years so that I could continue to fit into my pants.

Sorry that you had to stampede over your kids for nothing, Elastic. But make no mistake, I understand why it needed to be done.

Rhonda said...

I love that you were worried about posting "BJ Services" but have no qualms with pornographic animal crackers. :)

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Oh rhonda, dear sweet rhonda, you should have seen what I caught the gummy bears doing last night when I opened up the bag. It was a veritable gummy bear orgy going on in there. Bears stuck together in the most improbable of positions. Stuff that would make Caligula blush. I'm so very ashamed of my home becoming host to such debauchery. Ashamed, I tell you!