Friday, May 04, 2007

With My Mind On My Money And My Money On My Mind!

When you're a working lady of the night like I am, the drone of the radio becomes your constant companion. I've trained up my oldest daughter, Sunbum, to enjoy the wonders and high ridicule content of talk radio with me too. Together, we like to mock the inarticulate people who call in and not only lack the capability of presenting a valid point, but also stammer an endless stream of '"Uuuuuhhhh, and then, like, you know, uuuuhhhhh." Have you ever engaged in the extreme auditory sport of talk radio marathons? Let me clue you in. The radio gods only give us little people approximately 20-25 minutes per hour of actual dialogue, while the remainder of the time is eaten up with incessant commercials. The agonizing repetitive play of some ads has resulted in Sunbum and I reciting them from heart right along with smarmy Mr. Announcer Guy.

How often we've listened and gagged during the rather descriptive ads for colonic irrigation products that rid your body of impacted fecal matter. How often we've rolled our eyes and uttered a resounding "Riiiiggghhhhtttt," at the A.D. Kessler 'Creative Real Estate' promos, touting a dubious property buying scheme that will supposedly make you an overnight millionaire. How often we've marveled over the women unsure of who their baby daddy is when a local lab advertises special cut rate DNA testing services. As interesting as we both find impacted fecal matter infomercials, our favorite radio spots belong to the "Get Rich Quick While Working At Home" people.

Yesterday, one of their plethora of ads ran on XM Satellite Radio obtrusively interrupting our talk radio staple, Dr. Laura. It began in the usual way.
How would you like to work from home?
How would you like to be debt free?
How would you like to never have to worry about money again?
How would you like to be your own boss?
How would you like to lay around watching TV and licking a potato chip bag clean while still making an income?

Sounds like a dream come true, right? Well, then the announcer prattles on to say that you could work as much or as little as you want in your free time earning passive residual income. You only need to contact them and buy a starter kit to get yourself on the road to financial freedom. AHA, there's the catch. But then, Sunbum and I felt our cynical hearts soften when Mr. Announcer Guy continued his spiel with talk of enjoying a 'STICK FIGURE INCOME.' Whaaaattt??!!?? Sunbum and I gasped and looked wide-eyed at each other. We can make money with stick figures? Why didn't anyone tell us this before? What a long awaited revelation! We've lived our entire lives outside the gilded 'STICK FIGURE INCOME' walls, and now Mr. Announcer Guy has coyly offered us the chance to break in. I put my girls, Sunbum and Monkey to work as soon as we got home.
Sunbum has elected to balance her life out by only working part time with the lucrative 'STICK FIGURE INCOME' plan. They did specify that you could work as much or as little as you want, because it's so very versatile and flexible. The results of her stick figure slacking are visibly evident. She'll never make it to the Golden Stick Figure pyramid level at this rate.
Monkey, however, has given herself over completely to the 'STICK FIGURE INCOME' plan, dropping both her school studies and basketball practice to focus in on creating stick figure wealth. She doesn't need no exercise or education cause she's gonna be rich! As her mother, I'm very impressed with her dedication, and collection of vibrantly colored stick figures. I'm confident that Monkey's efforts will really open the door to a life of luxury and prestige.

So, TODAY ONLY, I'm offering all you bloggers this life changing program. You want in on the proven 'STICK FIGURE INCOME' plan? Please send $99.99 to The Smiling Infidel in Crackertopia, for your starter kit and folder of glowing 'STICK FIGURE INCOME' success stories and testimonials. Respond immediately and I'll also throw in a very special limited production of exclusive Smiling Infidel smiley face stickers to complement your STICK FIGURES!!!!!!

*Disclaimer: Results are not typical of actual 'STICK FIGURE INCOME' plan members. In fact, most of our program members can barely afford the bread to go with their monthly allotment of government cheese. You will have better odds of success investing in a cache of lottery tickets and mustache wax.*


Jennifer B. said...

Sign me up! I've always envied the stick figure lifestyle, now it's my turn 0->-< (That's me fainting from excitement and your incredible hilarity)

emma jo said...

The check is in the mail!

Annie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Annie said...

There are so many things to like about this post!

Poop Talk-"Impacted fecal matter."

Talk Radio/Dr. Laura-"Sex and a sandwich."

And children's stick art!

Too much Infidel goodness to behold in one place.

Sketchy said...

I had a sneaky suspicion you were a lady of the night, but I had no idea. At our house stick figures come with swords, I'll bet that makes them worth more.

PS: I have to confess I was reading this while barely listening to my husband's description of his daily drudgery and inadvertantly let slip an "oh, that's funny!" Right after he was complaining about something he'd had to do. I did what any good wife does and blame it on my kid. LOL

Kimberly said...

I didn't laugh at this post. I snickered. Gleefully.

Toni said...

Hmmm... scratch offs or Infidels Stick Figures???? What should I do???

No Cool Story said...

So, we could call this a ground level opportunity.

I hope those of us who reach the Golden Stick Figure pyramid level get a pickle hat.
Oh boy, would that sweeten the deal.

jams o donnell said...

HOw much to set up UK franchise? We'll be minted! said...

You gotta love talk radio - actually I do, I love NPR much to the annoyance of my little ones. Car Talk really cracks me up.

One of your daughters - the one who was at tae-kwon-do when we were there - looks SO much like my sister did at that age, tooooo cute! said...

Impressive sticj figure pictures btw.

PJ said...

Investing in mustache wax she hums to herself as she strokes her mustache

Two trippy 60's rejects named their daughter after a song sang by Nancy Sinatra. Nancy Sinatra! Whaaa??

Burg said...

I'm gonna be rich! Rich I tell ya!! You can't imagine the stick figures I come up with!! WOO-HOO!!

compulsive writer said...

Is that before or after taxes?

Millie's Mustache said...

GOOOOOOOOO Diamond Stick Figure!!!

So mustache wax, huh? It pays to read the fine print.

Chris said...

I shall be the sole distributor for the Asia Pacific region. I'm going BIG, baby!

PS: Isn't that Zayra from the last Rockstar? She, um, sounds much better now, I have to admit. Where's Storm Large when you need her?

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Look at y'all vultures trying to horn in on our STICK FIGURE INCOME action! What if we collectively oversaturate the stick Figure market, and Stick Figure prices start to plummet? This is very worrisome. I must protect all our Stick Figure investments.

I'm going to distract all of you from earning Stick Figure Incomes with a free pickle hat.