Think of today as a never ending Infidel Freak Secret Party! An Infidel Freak Secret Party to end all Infidel Freak Secret Parties! Three Infidel Freak Secrets like a personal Infidel Freak Secret menage a trois. More Infidel Freak Secrets than you could stuff into a special Infidel Freak Secret Party Gift Bag! All Infidel Freak Secrets all the time! Woooooooooo Hoooooooo!
This may come as a complete and total shock to you, but I'm not always a lady of upstanding behaviour and genteel manners. Sometimes I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and then when I look at my gargantuan bra with its harness-like straps, it pretty much confirms those feelings. What started as a bad habit has turned into a habitual routine. I like to plop my ample bosom onto tables or desks whenever I'm seated and working on a project because it's comfortable and temporarily alleviates my heavy burdens. I always think to myself, "Whew, that's really a load off my chest....literally" This horrifies my daughters to no end so I make a conscious effort to never plop my bosom on any surface out in public. We have a little chant around the Infidel dinner table, "Mommy, Mommy, if you're able, take your ELBOWS off the table." That's a gentle reminder that Emily Post would surely frown upon such barbarian meal time antics. Well, now my girls recite "Mommy, Mommy, if you're able, take your BOOBIES off the table." Even at a regular weight, this has been my curse to bear, and it's hereditary. Mock now, oh youthful Infidel daughters, but one day soon, you shall see the truth and the light. Oh yes, you shall see.
Infidel chickens should never watch frightening movies because it scares the chicken feed out of us. If you're looking for a good flick to take your Coulrophobic Anonymous group to, this ain't it. Stephen King weaves a masterful tale of a killer clown who likes to roam the sewer systems and feast on the flesh of young children. Super! I both read the book and watched the movie at 15. Consequently, I now refuse to park my vehicle anywhere near an open curbside sewer. We almost didn't buy our current house because we have a sewer manhole located directly on our driveway. I told Papi that he'll feel really sorry when Pennywise the clown pops up out of that thing someday because we settled for the first cheap house that came along. Occasionally, I have to get out of my truck in the middle of the night while working to pick up a paper or whatever, and I'll go to extraordinary lengths to avoid coming anywhere close to the sewer. I make sure to keep one wary eye on the opening at all times, just waiting for a sinister hand to come bursting out of the shadow. My parents generation worried about giant man-eating crocodiles lurking around in the sewer, but our fears loom much larger. Giant man-eating crocodiles........those were the good old days.
And lastly, 'The Story Of Ping' has delighted and graced the Infidel generations for well, ummmm, generations. My Grandma read it way back in the day! Anyway, it tells the story of a wayward duckling who lives with his mother and his father and two sisters and three brothers and eleven aunts and seven uncles and forty-two cousins on a boat with two wise eyes on the Yangtze River. As per tradition, their master calls the ducks back to the boat every night after their day of roaming the Yangtze. The last duck to cross the little bridge to the boat gets a WHACK! on his back with a little whip thingie. Ping gets the WHACK! treatment one day when he narrowly escapes becoming a duck dinner and returns to the boat late. I have six kids. Sometimes they tend to dawdle and procrastinate when I call them to get ready so we can leave the house in a reasonable amount of time, so I took a life lesson from the example of Ping. The last Infidel out the door gets a WHACK! on the back. The last Infidel to line up after playing at the park and ignoring my repeated calls for them gets a WHACK! on the back. The Infidel who takes the last ice cream cone I was saving for myself gets a WHACK! on the back.(kidding) And so on and so forth. Now, I only have to mutter the words, "Remember Ping!" and they scramble to line up and avoid coming in last. Parenting at its finest. Throw away your Dr. Spock book and pick up Ping instead.
I hope you enjoyed the Infidel Freak Secret Of The Week Extravaganza. Please leave a comment below and drive safely home. Remember, The Smiling Infidel is your convenient one stop shop for all things Infidel and Freak Secrety.