Friday, June 08, 2007

Infidel Freak Secret Of The Week Super Extravaganza!

Think of today as a never ending Infidel Freak Secret Party! An Infidel Freak Secret Party to end all Infidel Freak Secret Parties! Three Infidel Freak Secrets like a personal Infidel Freak Secret menage a trois. More Infidel Freak Secrets than you could stuff into a special Infidel Freak Secret Party Gift Bag! All Infidel Freak Secrets all the time! Woooooooooo Hoooooooo!
This may come as a complete and total shock to you, but I'm not always a lady of upstanding behaviour and genteel manners. Sometimes I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and then when I look at my gargantuan bra with its harness-like straps, it pretty much confirms those feelings. What started as a bad habit has turned into a habitual routine. I like to plop my ample bosom onto tables or desks whenever I'm seated and working on a project because it's comfortable and temporarily alleviates my heavy burdens. I always think to myself, "Whew, that's really a load off my chest....literally" This horrifies my daughters to no end so I make a conscious effort to never plop my bosom on any surface out in public. We have a little chant around the Infidel dinner table, "Mommy, Mommy, if you're able, take your ELBOWS off the table." That's a gentle reminder that Emily Post would surely frown upon such barbarian meal time antics. Well, now my girls recite "Mommy, Mommy, if you're able, take your BOOBIES off the table." Even at a regular weight, this has been my curse to bear, and it's hereditary. Mock now, oh youthful Infidel daughters, but one day soon, you shall see the truth and the light. Oh yes, you shall see.
Infidel chickens should never watch frightening movies because it scares the chicken feed out of us. If you're looking for a good flick to take your Coulrophobic Anonymous group to, this ain't it. Stephen King weaves a masterful tale of a killer clown who likes to roam the sewer systems and feast on the flesh of young children. Super! I both read the book and watched the movie at 15. Consequently, I now refuse to park my vehicle anywhere near an open curbside sewer. We almost didn't buy our current house because we have a sewer manhole located directly on our driveway. I told Papi that he'll feel really sorry when Pennywise the clown pops up out of that thing someday because we settled for the first cheap house that came along. Occasionally, I have to get out of my truck in the middle of the night while working to pick up a paper or whatever, and I'll go to extraordinary lengths to avoid coming anywhere close to the sewer. I make sure to keep one wary eye on the opening at all times, just waiting for a sinister hand to come bursting out of the shadow. My parents generation worried about giant man-eating crocodiles lurking around in the sewer, but our fears loom much larger. Giant man-eating crocodiles........those were the good old days.
And lastly, 'The Story Of Ping' has delighted and graced the Infidel generations for well, ummmm, generations. My Grandma read it way back in the day! Anyway, it tells the story of a wayward duckling who lives with his mother and his father and two sisters and three brothers and eleven aunts and seven uncles and forty-two cousins on a boat with two wise eyes on the Yangtze River. As per tradition, their master calls the ducks back to the boat every night after their day of roaming the Yangtze. The last duck to cross the little bridge to the boat gets a WHACK! on his back with a little whip thingie. Ping gets the WHACK! treatment one day when he narrowly escapes becoming a duck dinner and returns to the boat late. I have six kids. Sometimes they tend to dawdle and procrastinate when I call them to get ready so we can leave the house in a reasonable amount of time, so I took a life lesson from the example of Ping. The last Infidel out the door gets a WHACK! on the back. The last Infidel to line up after playing at the park and ignoring my repeated calls for them gets a WHACK! on the back. The Infidel who takes the last ice cream cone I was saving for myself gets a WHACK! on the back.(kidding) And so on and so forth. Now, I only have to mutter the words, "Remember Ping!" and they scramble to line up and avoid coming in last. Parenting at its finest. Throw away your Dr. Spock book and pick up Ping instead.

I hope you enjoyed the Infidel Freak Secret Of The Week Extravaganza. Please leave a comment below and drive safely home. Remember, The Smiling Infidel is your convenient one stop shop for all things Infidel and Freak Secrety.

27 comments:

Elizabeth-W said...

I love Ping!!
I don't do scary movies--they give me nightmares. The scariest thing I've ever watched was Poltergeist.

No Cool Story said...

But Elastic...We all float down here. When you're down here with us, you'll float too. Really :)

I love Aleks! He rocks my world.

Tori :) said...

I totally had that book- PING. I had forgotten about it. THanks for the reminder. I need to get a copy for my home. Bwwahhaaha!

Chris said...

You had to do it, didn't you? Stephen King's It remains as the movie that really scared the crap out of me when I was a kid. And I'm not the only one! My other guy friends have expressed the same sentiments as I.

Clowns in a horror film + 6 year olds = Nightmares.

Maybe this explains why whenever I see a Ronald McDonald or any clown for that matter I have this sudden, primal urge to bash them with their red nose and oversized shoes.

jams o donnell said...

Ewbl.. ALL clowns are evil! I liked IT. I used to enjoy his books but the film versions were usually pants. There are a few honourable excepttion, including IT. And Tim Curry (Frank n furter) played Pennywise -all the better in my view!

nikko said...

I don't do scary movies, either. Ew! Glad you're back to your freaky Infidel self.

Kimberly said...

Glad you is feelin' like you again.

mcewen said...

My lot wept at Lassie so I don't think we're anywhere near Stephen King [neither am I come to think of it] - o.k. to read it though as the pictures are less scary.

I will take you at your word and invest in Ping and it's super powers.

As for chests - now you're just showing off. Fortunately I will be returning home to the mother country shortly where I shall invest in a year's supply of 36 AAA bras - I knew there was a reason I had to keep going back.

I know - why bother going back - why bother buying bras that tiny - wouldn't a couple of band aids work just as well - and of course you'd be absolutely right.

Cheers

Carrotjello said...

Clowns are not evil. Clowns are our friends.

Annie said...

So what's the big secret?

anyone said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
aubrey said...

oh scary. i've never seen it and never will. i can't even handle the sixth sense, people. no way in heck am i watching a stephen king movie. my IMAGINATION gives me nightmares.

as for PING, you are a genius. i've been searching for a good parenting book on ways to rear 4 year olds. i'm putting PING on hold at the library immediately. wish me luck in the WHACK theory. i hope to perfect it soon.

and i feel so honored to have received secret freak advice.

carronin said...

I just might have to use your Ping method on my Primary class;)

Melissa said...

I'm gonna have to agree with mcewen - it's not nice to talk about resting your boobs on the table to a girl that just bought a bra sized "Nearly A" Yeah. Nearly.
As for "It" - I don't think I will. Being scared is one thing, not being able to walk past a sewer, well, that's just unacceptable.

on.the.run said...

Clowns are the scariest! My kids hate them also.

I have a good friend who is also blessed in the boobage department, she use to rest them on the desk when we were in school. She use to use them as a dinner tray for her dinner plate when she ate in front of the tv.... these were just some of the reasons I was jealous of her.

BarnGoddess said...

I read "IT" and also watched the movie years ago.

Clowns have always creeped me out, now Im terrified of them thanks to Stephen King.

I want a boob reduction...when I win the lottery, I am getting one!

PJ said...

I've only watched ONE Stephen King...about a dog and two people stuck in a car...that was enough for me EVER!!

When I WHACK one of my silly kids today, I can say "What, Infidel does it!"

Amanda said...

Glad to see your back and feeling well, freaky! Thanks for sharing your Infidel Freak secrets with us.

I have got to get my hands on that Ping book!

ps. Thanks for the cool little magnet. I feel so cool being accepted into the super secret magnet society! :D

shay said...

Now you're just bragging! Resting boobs on the table?? Mine rest on my breast bone and that's it! I have to buy boob holders with extra deep padding...The grass is alway greener.

Um...no comment on the clown - YIKES! Can't even go to Stephen King's world. Too freaky for little ole me.

Rhonda said...

IT scared the crap out of me! As did Poltergeist and all the Nightmare on Elm Street movies (but it's kind of hard to avoid sleep...well, except when you have children, huh?. I am a total chicken. My husband talked me into watching The Ring a few years ago and I had nightmares for days.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I just sent the eldest of my mini-infidels off to Girls Camp for a whole week, and I'm feeling a little forlorn about it. :(

For many of you ladies, don't be a boobie hater! Yes, my natural shelf makes a great place to rest stuff on but it comes with a price. Most of my shirts are stained exactly across the boobage area because it acts as a stain catch-all. Barn Goddess, we should make a pact that whichever of us comes into money first we'll treat the other to a reduction. Deal?

Toni said...

HAhaha! As I was reading I realized my boobs were on the desk! Ah! I hate my bra and the cable used to support my girls!

I may need to start parenting the Ping Way!

nikko said...

EWBL: I couldn't find an email for you, so here are my super-easy jam instructions.

Go buy some liquid pectin at wallyworld. Get all your jars nice and hot and clean in the dishwasher. Puts the bands and lids in a little pot of water simmering on the stove to sterilize them. Follow the recipe that came with the pectin. Ladle the hot jam in the hot jars, put on the lid and band, tighten it up, turn it upside down on a rag and voila! You don't need to process it in a canner. The heat from the jam is enough to seal the lid.

Amanda said...

EWBL: I saw your comment on millie's about smelly cheese. I teach nursery also and had the same lesson yesterday. It was perfect....we were talking about smelling and sometimes things smell bad and right at that moment the door opened and Megan's nursery teacher came in and announced that Megan had stinky pants and needed a diaper change. SPeaking of things that don't smell very good!

Radioactive Jam said...

I think only here - and nowhere else on planet earth - will one find Stephen King's killer clown and "Ping" the duck riding the same train of thought.

May your crazy train run on and on, and never leave its tracks.
:-D

Amber said...

I LOVED your extravaganza. But boobs on the table? That is bad?....

Jean Knee said...

Wow. Ya sure can pack a lot into one post.
I'm with that Jams- anything with Tim Curry in it is gonna be frightening even if it's a comedy