Wednesday, July 04, 2007

The Agony Of Defeet!

As of this evening, I, The Smiling Infidel, will henceforth assume the titles of, The Limping Infidel, The Hobbling Infidel, or Walking Like I Have A Stick Up My Butt Infidel.

I'm such an uncoordinated dork. Do you ever see people working in an industrial warehouse setting wearing open toed sandals? Well do you??!!? We won't even discuss Bruce the J.Lo impersonator who wore his clear plastic high heels one night to his extra job down at the loading docks. He's an exception to the rule. No, anyone with an ounce of common sense should know better and put on steel toe boots or sneakers accordingly. My feet get so nasty sweaty in the Houston heat, I practically make Odor Eater shoe inserts feel like everyday is stinky feet buffet day! In an effort to get some ventilation cooling action, I unwisely chose to don the sandals. Any Podiatrists out there should look away now so that you won't be exposed to the shocking pedi horror that follows next. The sandal decision cost me dearly as I rolled a palette jack weighted down with several hundred pounds of newspapers across my left foot. Excruciating doesn't even begin to cover it. See that gnarly black stuff on my toes? That's where all the skin peeled backwards, leaving my little toe broken, and the rest of them bruised and swollen. Yes, my little piggy did indeed cry "Wee, Wee, Wee, Wee," all the way home. Not even the obscenely long hairs cascading down from the tops of my toes could form some sort of hair bubble shield to protect them from the crushing weight of the palette jack. I hope showing some closeup skin pics on my blog won't attract any unsavory types or foot fetish weirdos.

To sum it up: I drive a truck with a standard transmission. My injured foot controls the clutch. I have to work every day. I'm currently hopped up on Excedrin to dull the aching sensation before I toddle off to my job in a few scant hours. And now, with the blemished and unsightly condition of my feet, I have no hope of winning the Footsies International Competition for 2007. :( No Footsies for you! This Is What It Sounds Like When Dr.Scholls Cries.......

43 comments:

aubrey said...

holy cow! i am so, so, so sad for your foot. oh my grossness. now anytime i think about wearing sandals into a warehouse i will definitely think of your sad foot and the picture of your toes and NOT do it. *sending happy feelings to your feet* i'm sorry!

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUCH

(doing my E.T. impression)

I'm so sorry you have to WORK with that big owie. Have Papi kiss it better for you.

Carrot Jello said...

I like your nails. They're real shiny.
Yeah, you don't get any sympathy unless you post a picture of your ketchup.

compulsive writer said...

Ditto Millie. Now I feel like a bit of a wimp for having broken my baby toe on the sofa foot. I do think I'm going to lose my nicely pedicured toenail, however. So sad.

Be sure to elevate it as soon as you get home. Above your heart. It will help with the swelling. And carefully toss a bag of frozen corn or peas on top for good measure.

Get well soon!

Dan the Echo Boomer said...

gross.

also, i'll be gone starting this friday, until next sunday, just fyi.

also, gimpy is my favorite way to classify the temporarily handicapable.

No Cool Story said...

Oh NOES!!! :(
That's not good at all.

I hereby dedicate this song to you:
Ay, ay, aaayaaay
Canta y no llores
Porque cantando se alegran
Cielito lindo
Los coraaaaaazooooones

Feel better footie!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Aubrey- Well, if I can prevent one toe from getting broken with my cautionary tale of woe and crushing pain, then it was all worth it. Your feet are breathing a sigh of relief. I can hear them.

millie- Huh. I've never told him to kiss my feet before. This all happened about an hour after I talked to you, millie. :(

carrot- Soon, carrot. Soon. Yes, the world will know that you have selected me as their new ketchup Queen to rule triumphantly over them and their french fries. I bet you didn't know that I beat Theresa Heinz in a booger flicking contest to take over her title.

compulsive writer- I'm trying to work the clutch using the ball of my foot instead of my little toes who were begging for mercy on the drive home yesterday and even the Excedrin couldn't cover up their voices.

dan- Looks like I'll be peddling the extras that I usually give you over on the corner. Maybe I'll make enough money to buy myself a Bimbo.

NCS- My footie says you sing off key and my toes are requesting for you to perform 'Una Paloma Blanco.' While wearing a Dove costume and dancing The Macarena. They say that's the only way they'll feel better.

Elizabeth-W said...

How miserable! I say milk it for all it's worth. Make the kids fashion a cane for you, and use it in public and at home as much as possible. Hope you're feeling better soon.
You know you can alternate between ibuprofen and tylenol every few hours for better pain control?

Toni said...

Owwwww! Hope it heals soon! It totally pisses of the Hubs when I mow the grass in flip flops. I'm a rebel.

Kimberly said...

Oh my poor wounded Infidel!

Tori :) said...

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Lauren said...

I feel bad for your foot! I will say a little prayer for it. Actually I am more sad that you can't win the foot competition now.

jams o donnell said...

Yikes ewbl. I hope your foot heals up soon. trying to use the clutch must be be hell.

I will hie me to my shed and invent the open toe sandal with a strong metal mesh cage so combining protection with fresh air...

Would paracetamol, sorry tylenol/codeine help ?

on.the.run said...

Apart from the bruising and scabs you have cute feet.

PJ said...

Good footage...

That looks painful, so sorry. Take another Excedrin, go on.

Jean Knee said...

Oh my. after icing it a day or so soak it in a warm epsom salt bath.
When finished place used foot water in pan on stove add: potatoe, carrot, meat stir, simmer,eat
It's a shame to waste salt isn't it? Plus you dont have to wonder what to make for supper

Amanda said...

Excedrin...is that all you got for that!?! You couldn't even get some cool narcotics to numb the pain after driving a pallet jack over your foot? I'd get a second opinion!

So sorry about your owie!! I hope it feels better soon.

b. said...

Son of a .........

You coulda scored some Perc for that couldn't you?

I'm sorry 'lastic. Make Papi kiss it better for you. That's ouch!

BarnGoddess said...

ouch!! omg that looks like it hurt.

WORK COMP!!!!

need any advice? I was a WC case manager for 5 years......

elasticwaistbandlady said...

So, yesterday I'm listening to The Beatles 'Yesterday,' and I start singing,"Sympathy.....for all my toe skin falling off of me. They're not half the feet they used to be."
Thanks for the sympathy, y'all!

elizabeth- Yes I did know that. My midwives taught me that little trick to handle post partum pain.

toni- So, are you registered on the National TOE Donor list? You should be! I love going barefoot but even I put on sneakers to mow the lawn. Besides when I mow in flip flops, it turns my feet green. I don't want any comparisons to The Hulk.

kimberly- Actually, the pain was so intense, I was more like The Swearing Infidel.

tori- Aye Chihuahua!

lauren- I still have nice pits. I'll just concentrate on winning our local Armpit Beauty pageant.

jams- Never before have I tried to mastermind ways to coast in second gear without using the clutch. At all. When I do, I use the ball of my foot. I'll take your invention in a size 10 please.

on the run- Thank you, on the run! My mom always told me that I have toes that look like E.T. fingers. I think she's jealous of my elongated statuesque toesies!

PJ- What, are you challenging me to a PUN off?

jean knee- I do that when I have a sore butt. Everyone loves rump roast!

amanda and b.- We don't have insurance. I just had to suck it up and keep on moving because if I don't work, I don't get paid. If I don't get paid, I can't pay for our high speed Internet, which would mean the end to my blogging life. See how I sacrifice myself?

barn goddess- We're considered contract labor so that the corporate office won't have to shell out any money to us in case of injury. Honestly, it was my own damn fault that this happened. And that hurts the worst.

Melissa said...

That stinks - I hope it heals quickly...

mcewen said...

Hmm and there was me thinking that excedrin was for migraines, which I believe [anatomically challenged person] usually start in the cranium, around the brain area [ish]. So if you're taking that medication for your feet.....
Cheers

PJ said...

Would you please tell that cat of yours to go potty? it looks like it is doing the"Potty wiggle" my girls have that dance down, all things are more important that just going, instead stand there and dance.

Hope your foot is a little better this day!

Carrot Jello said...

Because you are out with a bad foot, I will boost your comments so you will feel better.
24

Carrot Jello said...

and here's 25

Carrot Jello said...

yesterday I drank rootbeer, laughed, and it came shooting out my nose.
26

Carrot Jello said...

I hope you appreciate this.
27

Carrot Jello said...

I didn't even get a magnet, and yet I help you.
28

Carrot Jello said...

You're only getting one more after this. It's all I have left.

Carrot Jello said...

oops that was 29
and this is 30

Annie said...

Yo, yo, yo, I'm with Carrot. Those look like some nicely manicured toenails.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

I'm sorry this happened after our chat. It wasn't the thrill of talking to me that did it, was it?

Jennifer B. said...

Unbelievable! Hope you heal up quickly.

Melody said...

Ice, Ice, Baby... that's all I have to say.

Oh, my... no insurance. God bless you. Sorry I don't live closer, I could go way outside my scope of practice and help you out.

However, it's true, you have lovely toes and once the dead skin falls away and the permanent deformity becomes familiar to you, everything will be fine.

I combined CW & b.'s comments and came up with a very disturbing image of you with Papi . . .

Really though, get yourself to a damn doctor. At the very least, you should try to score one of those hard splints/boot/cast things at a drug store or call a local orthopedic office and beg for one. Keep the pressure off it and all that. Good luck with the healing.

Melody said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Melody said...

And this makes 35? 36? comments.

You know, I don't say things like "shit, damn, or hell" that often. Think of it as a term of endearment -- I can't help but care deeply for someone as adept with bodily function humor as you are, so there you have it.

Rhonda said...

Get some cute nail polish...that always makes mangled toes feel better. :)

Sorry you hurt yourself, but I totally support your open-toed decision. It's too friggin hot in Houston to wear anything but flip flops!!!

Tamra Norton said...

Large doses of drugs--that's my best suggestion. Has the Doc had a look-see? Sorry, my friend! "Ouch" isn't even adequate.

Crap Happy Mama said...

Pobrecito Infidelito!

Suzanne said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Suzanne said...

Oh Elastic, how awful! Can you even walk on it yet? I must say that you have very nice looking feet, regardless of the injury! :)

Oh and LOL at Carrot upping your post count! :D

Chris said...

Your poor toesies! Put some mustard on it. Why? I have no clue but it'll smelll nice. I think. I hope. Argh.

Nancy Face said...

Ohhhhhh, I am sooooo sorry for your hurty feetsies! :(