Friday, July 06, 2007

Let Freedom Ring!

Even in my semi-incapacitated state, I still found a way to celebrate the Fourth Of July with my Papi by infusing my own special brand of Infidel verve.

After we gorged ourselves on a very patriotic, Founding Father-approved meal of hot dogs, baked beans, and apple pie, we sent the kids to bed.......and then the real fireworks show began!
As the loud explosions and crackles rippled through the night air from our many neighbors who chose to take their paycheck and light it aflame; I utilized the festive opportunity to disguise the sound of my own loud explosions and crackles. Surprisingly, Papi didn't react with the oohs and aahs that a good show commands. Why, he didn't even bother to clap or cheer wildly while clamoring for an encore presentation. Instead, he chastised me, and thus, I felt compelled that on that day, of all days, to rise up and defend myself against his oppressive tyranny.
After all, who is he to infringe on my inalienable rights set forth in the Constitution? Neither I, nor my gastric track, will be silenced. We have the right to our freedom of expression and never should flatulence suffer the inhumane bonds of restrictive repression. That's just wholly un-American. Nay, sayeth I, I'm choosing to let freedom ring and give my gas the independence that it deserves. After a day filled with discussion of how much we love this country and the story of its founding that lends itself to an obvious hand of divinity in the process, how could Papi possibly quibble with me?


Tori :) said...

OMG- my sister used to put on sunglasses and a trench coat and lip sync to Invinsible. Ahh- memories.

Yay for freedom of farts!

Tori :) said...

I spelt that wrong. InvinCible.

Jean Knee said...

I'm first ha ha ha ha

Did you even think about what your rips were doing to the ozone? I'm sure that was what papi was thinking too.
I know he would never try to stifle the yumness that is elastic

I capture my rips in zip loc bags so as not to add to the gaseous destruction of our ozone- yes the zip locs are reused(before the rips not after.)
dog bless america

Jean Knee said...

Sheeeeit I thought I was first

Elizabeth-W said...

Pass that Gas!!! will be the dictum on Infidel currency.

and I heart Pat B.

Kimberly said...


Toni said...

So glad that I don't sleep next to you!

No Cool Story said...

For shame.

Now, is that a real picture taken of said fireworks? You ARE talented girl.

Suzanne said...

It's a good thing you didn't have an open flame with all your explosions or there may have been a real explosion! LOL! :D

jams o donnell said...

Ah Ewbl I say let rip, make a stand for all of the would be petomanes across the world. Remember it is better to light one small fart than to curse tha darkness!

Melissa said...

I'm with jean knee - this will not improve your Carbon Footprint...

Melody said...

Synonyms for freedom: let loose, let out, liberate, release, deliverance, emancipation, license, latitude, permission, right, privelege, power.

That's right, power.

Let freedon ring!

Melody said...

privilege... darn it! I hate it when that happens.

Carrot Jello said...

I just noticed that my name is not in all caps. Is this some super secrety club you've got going? I be they all have magnets.

Nancy Face said...

I'm definitely the winner in our house when it comes to farting, er, flatulence. Sometimes we say "fluff" instead of "fart" when we are trying to be polite, but it doesn't make it smell any prettier!

Thank you for sending me last year's July 4th pictures! Your decorations were better than the ones we had here! :)

Lauren said...

HAHAHAHA Wow, I am glad I missed that show.

Lei said...

Rofl... having my 17 yo brother living with me right now takes me back toa day when I, too, farted freely. Man, ! need to loosen up! ;)

Loved the Alexa vid. You and I really need to swap female vocalists's names sometime. I bet we could double each other's listening pleasure!

Melissa said...

Dear Smiling Infidel -
My Little Bug got up at 3:30 this morning and never went back to bed. He threw up this morning and pooped in his pants 6 times. Then your package came and everything was okay. Thank you so much!!!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Tori- Thank DOG! Here I was picturing your sister singing a Gay Clay Aiken song. It made me shudder in horror, tori. HORROR!

jean- I found that Ziploc bags provide an inefficient fart capturing and storage system. No, Mason canning jars prove much more adept at saving gas. I have a whole row of Mason Jars filled with genuine Tater Tot Casserole Farts.

elizabeth- That should read 'Pass That Gas, PLEASE!' I'm not a total unmannered Infidel, you know.

kimberly- You wouldn't be laughing like that if you had been here to enjoy the fragrance of the evening.

NCS- I had to eat a buttload of neon Fruit Roll-Ups to get that fluorescent effect.

suzanne- All lighters and flammable liquids instruct that they should be kept out of the reach of children. So Papi keeps them far away from me. :(

jams- That's one small fart for man, one giant fart for mankind!

melissa- At least I'm not full of gas like Father Al is. Well, at least not anymore.
I try to empty out on a regular basis.

MELODY!- you inspired me to write this down! Papi told me I should because he thought my fart defense was brilliant, timely, and very funny. I resisted because, believe it or not, not everybody loves a good fart tale. Bu then I thought about your words of gassy encouragement, and I knew I must carry forth the grand flatulence tradition. You're my designated Fart Coach, Melody! As a nurse, I'm sure you know that holding all that in just isn't very healthy for you. I strive for health.

carrot jello- What kind of caps do you want? Gold dental caps? A Hank's Plumbing Service cap? I shook my Magic 8 Ball yesterday and asked it what your chances were like of getting a magnet. Magic 8 Ball told me to send you TWO. Magic 8 Ball never steers me wrong. I must obey it's mystical powers.

nancy face- I can play the part of refined domestic goddess when I absolutely have to!

lauren- I taped it in Smell-O-Vision. I'm sending it out to all the Good Mail Girls!

lei- Tristan Prettyman, Kasey Chambers, Mary Fahl, Grace Potter. Your turn.

melissa- I'm so glad you got it! I need to take a picture of the faboo bracelet and earrings you made and blog it. Soon.

Annie said...

At first I thought that you were taking advantage of the ambient noise to disguise the sound of loud Infidel lovin'.

You relieved some pressure either way.

BarnGoddess said...

ewbl, my boys and husband would LOVE you....they are very much impressed with flatulance ;)

Amanda said...

That must have been some show! He only chastised you because he is jealous that he can't beat your skills!

So you think I'm cheesy? :D

b. said...

when your belly swells with "pride" you just gotta let it out!

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

"wholly unAmerican" indeed. Let freedom FART.

Or move to the Middle East where women wear burkas and can't fart in the presence of men.