Tuesday, July 31, 2007

This Chicken Ranch Special Always Includes Legs, Breasts, And Thighs!

Well, 'The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas' is fine and dandy and all, but I live in The Best Little Infidel House In Texas! And who rated them as the best, anyway? Is there some kind of whorehouse survey and customer comment card that they distribute to the clientele before they put their pants on and leave?
A local Houston legend passed away on Sunday and I felt compelled to memorialize him on my blog. The much ballyhooed and plastic surgery-enhanced, Marvin Zindler, campaigned tirelessly for the little guy, and hosted a weekly 'Roach Report' dirty restaurant review. His trademarked catchphrase? A loud bellowing of "SLIIIIIMMMEE In THE ICE MACHINE!" There's even a song about him and his pursuit of busting eating establishments with the dreaded slimy ice. The man is a bonafide legend solidified with his very own WIKI page. Outside of the Houston market, though, he's most notable for his part in shutting down the La Grange Chicken Ranch whorehouse and battling with local authorities who didn't want to give up their painted ladies and the revenue it brought it in.

Dom Deluise played a Marvin Zindler-esque character named Melvin Thorpe in the movie, but everyone knew that the basis was rooted in the true life account of the events that unfolded in 1973.


And now for a retro "Oh no, she didn't!" moment from my awkward youth:
My mom let me watch 'The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas' with her, even though I was only 9. My dad comes from a very morally puritanical family. How puritanical? Well, I'm related to Bill Hybels, the Pastor of the largest congregation in all of North America. So, all the family gathered together at an elegant Indiana restaurant that summer of 1983 for my Aunt's rehearsal dinner. As glasses clinked with festive toasts and chatter sounded above the knives slicing up the sumptuous Chicken Kiev (I have a photographic memory when it comes to food) I innocently asked the lady next to me if she had ever seen 'The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas.' You know how in movies when somebody drops an outrageous tidbit into conversation and everyone stops to stare slack-jawed at them? That's what happened to me. That is, until my very proper Grandma abruptly whisked me away to the bathroom to sternly tell me that 9 year old girls should never discuss anything related to the word 'WHOREHOUSE' in polite company. I wonder if using brothel, house of the rising sun, bordello, or No Tell Motel would have been more acceptable?
R.I.P Marvin Zindler-Who Will Rid Our City Of The Insidious Slime In The Ice Machine Now?

26 comments:

Anonymous said...

Well, I guess on this gay tuesday that it is fitting to talk about a closet queen who has passed away. You never know these days. Even mr. O has crossed the fence a couple times.

Nancy Face said...

Oh my, such scandal! :O I would have loved to be sitting next to you at that rehearsal dinner! ;)

jams o donnell said...

LOL I wonder what would ahve happened if you had mentioned seeing a film about the superlative place of negotiable affection in the Lone Star state...

In the internet age it probably is no surprise that there are sites that leave feedback on such establishment. That's the information age for you I suppose (sighs)

I hope you're feeling a bit better today Ewbl

Tori :) said...

LOL! That's too funny EWBL. I remember once at a wedding reception, watching a waiter pay my underaged cousin to drink champagne. He was way drunk. I wonder if he got in trouble or if he got to keep the money...

I LOVE "House of the Rising Sun!" My dad said he wants it played on the organ at his funeral...

aubrey said...

are you starting to feel better?
no tell motel! ha ha. i love that.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

So when you answered your grandma, "Listen you old ho bag," did she slap you silly?

I love your photographic food memory. I have it too. I can still taste my uncle & aunt's wedding cake from March 1978.

Jean Knee said...

I love how Dolly sang "I will always love you". Really she did it so much better than Whitney, what with her Bobby busted lip and all

are you doing the neck routine? Aleve aint as good as advil you know. get the myoflex, that's good stuff

PJ said...

I'm must have missed that one. I think I was watching the smurfs on that day, I have wondered about smurfette.

I am a Dolly fan, and I love her version of "I will always love you", oh yes I do.

Lisa said...

NO!!!!! Marvin Zindler CAN'T be dead!!! I couldn't even read past the part where you wrote he died before commenting. I am so sad!!!
"Marvin Zindler....Eyewitness News". Said with the perfect enunciation. I'm wondering why no one in my family bothered to tell me?! He is like a brother, or umm an uncle...I better call my so called family to see what the heck?! Ditto-RIP Marvin Zindler!

But haha to the "whorehouse" conversation!

nikko said...

Too funny. No Tell Motel. I'll have to remember that one. For you know, all the times I talk about such establishments. Which is, well, never.

emma jo said...

Oh how sad...you will be missed, I suppose Mr. Zindler. Truly a sad day.

Elizabeth-W said...

So sad. Good bye Marvin.

Isaura said...

soo sad ,see you MARVIN
I saw the flowers outside the station going down Bissonnet yesterday. "EYYYYYYYYYE witness news"

Carrot Jello said...

Best Little House Of The Rising Son In Texas would have been too long for a nine year old.

b. said...

I called my babysitter a whore once. I had no idea what it meant. She chased me clear through the neighborhood back into my house, I hid under my mom's bed until she grabbed my ankles and spanked my behind. That was back when you could do that without getting sued.

b. said...

I used to think Burt Reynolds was hot.

on.the.run said...

I call my dog whore all the time... she doesn't mind at all.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

::running into the room and flopping onto a beanbag chair::

Did you already use "house of ill repute"?

Lauren said...

What's a whore? I'm so confused...

teehee :)

Burg said...

I loved that movie.. Can't help myself. I like the politician that sings that "side step" song.

Jennifer B. said...

Hee hee hee.

Bee said...

Did you grow out of it? [this questions is meant to ask: blurting things out in family/public gatherings]
Unfortunately for me I still have issues with being able to sensor myself. I'm hoping blogging will help.

Some examples:

"Whadda ya mean your dad went to a prostitute?" [at in-laws campground during pot luck corn boil, I guess taken out of context it does sound bad]

"You let your dog lick your toes!?" [at Zoo with tons of people around me, still gross]

Your Blog is Hilarious!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Dick Payne- Don't we all try to get a Mr. O every time? You do mean the O as code for.....you know. Right?

nancy- Why, so you could steal my Chicken Kiev? I was armed with a steak knife, nancy, and nothing was coming between me and my puddle of chive buttered poultry.

jams- Do you think I'm a horrible blog friend? I don't come every day like I used to because the page takes a while to load, so I wait and try to comment on everything at once so my feeble computer doesn't have to work so hard. I think about the Chicken Ranch whenever I make this recipe called King Ranch Chicken. Maybe that was the special there? I mean, they were all working up an appetite, right?

tori- WHICH ORGAN??!!? You're scaring me now, tori.

audrey- I'm sore. I'm tired. And I've worked for 2 days continuously. My headaches aren't as bad now, though, so yes, I'm on the mend.

millie- In my family they know if they supply the day I'll supply the knowledge of what the menu was for that particular occasion.

jean knee- I haven't bought the myoflex yet. I'm a bad patient, Dr. Jean Knee. :( I don't like that song no matter who sings it. I do like 'Hard Candy Christmas' from that movie though.

PJ- I love that she has an tole art painting technique named after her. Yes, you can make 'Dolly Parton' hearts by making two humongous dots side by side and connecting them with a V.

lisa- And now Marvin's just another Angel....cleaning up slime in that ice machine up in the sky.

Nikko- Whorehouses should be a once a day conversation topic. Is that too much to ask of a good Texan?

emma jo- I luurrrvvve your new picture! Does Connecticut have a Marvin copycat? Or was he truly an original? How will you know which Connecticut restaurants have roaches and slime? HOW?!!???

elizabeth- There goes Mr. Marvin. The worms won't be starvin. I hope the silicone plastic won't hurt them.

isaura- Yeah. Does that make ANY sense to you? Why not take those to a hospital or convalescence home where people-LIVE people- can actually enjoy them?

carrot jello- I watched Rated R movies as a 9 year old child. That means I'm badder ash than you. Don't mess with me!

b.- My mom and Aunt used to make a cake called 'The Next Best Thing To Burt Reynolds!' I once saw that pose of him nekkid and sprawled out on a bear skin rug. I couldn't tell the difference between the bear hair and Burt's bear hair that covered his body. I don't like furry men.

on the run- So does that make your home the best little whorehouse in Texas?

millie- That's what I called The White House a few years ago. :)

lauren- I have a 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy around here.

burg- My mom had the soundtrack. We listened to it incessantly the whole year back in 1983.

jennifer- There's nothing funny about missing your Chicken Kiev dinner because your grandma is reprimanding you in the bathroom.

bee- I've had to take some posts down that my crybaby uncle went and told my family about. I save all my incendiary, not-fit-for-family-reunion stories to post on my semi-private blog.

Tori :) said...

THE organ...
BWAHAHAHA!

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