Thursday, August 02, 2007

I Wish I Had A Moose. I'd Name Him Dr. Seuss. And Turn Him Loose With My Goose To Cause Terror On A Caboose.

I'd like to welcome you to a very special edition of The Smiling Infidel! It's tailor-made to cater to the easy-reading needs of your inner pre-schooler. I've got rhymes! No big words! And pictures! Lots of pretty pictures! In color!

On Saturday, as my truck got severely hit and folded like a MAP, I felt my tender red neck SNAP and I still sort of feel like......

Says I, this is teh SUCK! Only 18 more payments until I own my beloved Infidel TRUCK! Those dreams vanished with the WTF? hit-and-run chick gone AMOK. (It does rhyme. Quit picking on me)
Wow, what LUCK, Progressive insurance paid off my old TRUCK and I still managed to make a decent BUCK! So, I immediately set forth to buy a new.....(Oddly enough, both these pictures detail the same color and style as my before and after Infidel trucks)
Did I take my new truck to go SHIRK and LURK with Captain KIRK while eating Jamaican JERK? No! I went immediately to WORK! (I have never in my life sung and danced while throwing papers. I do have a Cabbie Cap like the Newsies boys do, though.)
Sometimes I just want to POUT as I throw my paper ROUTE (II need my truck to work. I need to work to pay for my truck.*sigh*) I'm dorky like URKEL and hopelessly trapped in a.........
Like a Donut that needs DUNKIN and a Bronco that's BUCKIN, still I continue to....


Well, I do keep on truckin, except on that fateful day that was CRUMMY, when a girl who's downright SCUMMY made me into a real live .......
I'm going to break in my new truck just like a Smiling Infidel SHOULD- by only putting on high heels and my State Farting Champion T-shirt and rolling around on the HOOD. Be cool like me? Coked-up, man-beating, OJ-dating Tawny, only wishes she COULD!

41 comments:

nikko said...

Is there ever a dull moment on your blog?? I think not! You crack me up.

So glad that you got some $$ for your truck. Have fun with the new one!

Kimberly said...

Your picture hunting abilities have me in awe. The first is my favourite though. =P

jams o donnell said...

Good one Ewbl! So a new truck. I;m gald that has sorted out. A Ford? my dad built Fords. I drive Toyotas!

PJ said...

There is a lot going on in that brain of yours;)

My hubby had a Ford pick up that he very much loved. Last summer, after sitting in the parking lot, at his work...it caught on fire and burned to the ground:( It shorted out or something, strange. We give "mean eyes" to all Ford trucks now.

Tori :) said...

YAY for trucks being paid off. Where do you find these pics??

Oh- and you made my day with Christian Bale's pic from "Newsies." My lil sister and I used to dance and dance to that movie. I'd rewind the kiss at the end and just say "He looks like such a strong kisser. Yummy."

Bee said...

ROTFLMAO!
Your blog should come with a warning not to read at work! :o)

Nancy Face said...

You've done it AGAIN...you made me GRIN! I'm so AMUSED...not at all CONFUSED! I'd like to NAP...in the field of CRAP! Think you can FART? Well it's my ART! I love the NEWSIES...your pictures are DOOZY'S! Don't get any MUCK...on that new TRUCK! I'm not a POET...and we all KNOW IT!

Jean Knee said...

Hey when you do that high heeling rolling on the hood thing have Papi film it. it would go great on utube.
yeah I wanted to do that on my camry but it just didn't seem right somehow, camry's just aren't kick ash enough

Lauren said...

I'm impressed with your mad rhyming skills. And for your use of pictures...especially the one of Newsies.

Lisa said...

Tal.en.ted. That's what you are! Love the CRAP photo and so glad you got a truck and you are feeling better!

Lei said...

Ah, such a poet. And a riot! (see, my rhyming skills pale in comparison to yours)

So hey, I neard your cry and put Jonatha back on my playlist, along with some of my other very favoritest rocking women. You just *have* to stop in and have a listen!

b. said...

some names should not be used in the rhyming name game song....ie. CHUCK.
But somehow I think YOU could pull it off.
millie, millie fo fillie, bo banna wanna no nillie.....fee,fi,fo....

b. said...

what I'm trying to say is Chuck rhymes with Truck.

b. said...

ps. I know you're not millie. But I couldn't do infidel, infidel, fo finfidel....see how that doesn't really work? But 'lastic, 'lastic, fo' fantastic....now THAT works!!
But I didn't think of that til later.

Amen.

omar said...

If you do end up lurking with Captain Kirk, tell him I said "what's up."

utmommy said...

So, I've been hearing about your blog, and thought I better come over and check it out. Your post was hilarious!

Glad you got your truck paid off. I hate when stuff like that happens.

Elizabeth-W said...

Happy Day about your Vee-hicle.
I think you have something akin to verbigeration. There's some mental disorder I can't remember the name of that is related to compulsive rhyming :)

Jennifer B. said...

Cool. Who knew you were a verbigerator? Now I can read the blogs of a compulsive writer AND a compulsive rhymer. Enjoy the new truck =)

Burg said...

I miss having a truck.. I don't want to get one the same way you did though.. Any word on the "amok chick"?

Kayelyn said...

That was like- hilarious.

But then you are funny like that.

wynne said...

Ah, I've missed reading your posts, dear infidel!

But I must take issue with something: it wasn't really my Inner Seuss that you touched...I think it was my Inner Eminem. I didn't even know I had that.

Excuse me while I try to warm up my beatbox and read your post again...
thbbt,bbt,bbt,thbbt,bbt..ttt...
No, all I'm gettin' is a bunch of spit, but I swear this post would make a good rap. Er, or a bad rap. Um, I must go before another bad pun tries to sneak out.

Radioactive Jam said...

Woohoo! Trucks anew! Good for you!

Jean Knee said...

Dear Elastic,

It's Aug. 3rd. Isn't there something you should be doing?

emma jo said...

Newsies...hubba hubba. Do you look as hot in your cap as Christian Bale did singing Sante Fe? I've never wanted to go to New Mexico so bad as a 12 year old.

Carrot Jello said...

Grrr...where's my post?

on.the.run said...

You clever girl. I am glad you got more for your truck... if you need someone to bring you some jello to help with your recovery then give me a call.

Stacey said...

I give your post 2 enthusiastic thumbs up! I laughed,I cried,I ate a brownie,drank some water and did some laundry. Fun for the whole family!

Sketchy said...

When my daughter was little she would mispronounce truck with an f. So I won't judge you.

I also I think you missed your rapstar calling...I present to you "I'm dorky like Urkel, stuck in a vicious circle." That is rapping gold girl. Of course I know very little about rap music, but I could envision that with a beat.

carronin said...

Thank you for writing a post for my inner preschooler with rhymes and pictures. You're amazing elastic. I'm thrilled you had a happy ending after your rear-ending.

Rhonda said...

Damn woman! It would have taken me weeks to put together that rhyme. You rock...though it's not a shock...you rap like New Kids on the Block.

See, I suck.

Did Tawny really date OJ????

No Cool Story said...

You Are TEH AWESOME.

Yeah.

compulsive writer said...

Boy. At rhyming you are really GOOD.

Hope your neck is feeling better.

aubrey said...

i love the crap formation. just love it. and i wanna see a pic of you in your newsie cap.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

:::drooling unintelligibly onto my keyboard:::

That was good. I'm really tired.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

nikko- Well, there are dull moments. But I don't think anyone really wants to know about the times I scratch my butt and de-lint my shirts after washing them with a Kleenex in my pocket.

kimberly- NCS and I must use the same search terms because I run across her discoveries fairly often. One day, if I have more kids, I want to assemble them into a CRAP formation, too. Maybe I can convince everyone at the next family reunion?

jams- I've had good luck with my Ford trucks. No comment on Papi's Ford Focus that lost a battle with an armadillo crossing the road. The armadillo lived, Papi's fender didn't.

PJ- Spontaneous combustion! Well, you are always saying how smokin hot your man is, right?

tori- I just know that Christian isn't using a stuffing to fill out his Batman codpiece, if you know what I mean.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Okay, I'm cheating and boosting comment count. I learned it from b. and carrot jello. They are the comment enhancing gurus!

bee- Unless you work at the state prison execution chamber. They need a little light-minded laughter once in awhile.

nancy- You just made Dr. Seuss shed a tear of pride!

jean knee- I'm afraid my butt dimples will make hood dimples. It is built Ford tough, but can my truck hold up to the mighty Infidel arse?

lauren- Mad? Whose mad? These are super calafragilisticexpialadocious HAPPY rhymes.

lisa- I used to be TALONted....until I finally cut my toenails.

lei- REM and their little band of Shiny Happy People can never displace the Jonatha love in my heart. Her moodiness and melancholic tunes makes me smile.

b.!- your little comment booster shot is just what the Dr. ordered! My oldest gets Boring, Foreign, and Moran out of her name. Yeah, Moran, like Joanie from 'Joanie Loves Chachi.'

omar- I wish I could tell him that, Sadly, we wear those sausage casing Star Trek costumes when we hang out and I can barely breathe in them.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

utmommy- What took you so long??!!? I've been here wondering and waiting when you would show up. I even made a macrame placemat for you and a crown out of toilet paper.

elizabeth- I'm compulsive without no rhyme....or reason.

jennifer- Thanks! Its a Love/Hate thing. Love the new truck. Hate the new truck payments.

burg- i knew you'd approve of my trucks given their 'Shades Of Red.'

kayelynn- I live to amuse!

wynne- The real question is 'Whatchoo gonna do with all that junk up in your trunk?' I'm nothing compared to the rhyme prowess of the Black Eyed Peas.

RAJ- Cows Say Moo When They Poo! I Do Too!

jean- The three S's? Shat, Shower, Shave? I already did all that.

emma- I can turn cartwheels with a carrier bag strapped to me.....isn't that enough to impress you?

carrot- Your invisible post? It's still there.

on the run- I don't want no stinkin Jell-O! I'm holding out for Tater Tot Casserole.

stacey- When, oh when, will you reveal your blog address to me so that we may revel in the awesomeness of Supernatural together?

sketchy- Sadly, Urkel is copyrighted. I guess I'll have to go with my backup rhyme. Prime Minister Of Germany, Angela Merkel.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

carronin- "I'm thrilled you had a happy ending after your rear ending"
Sounds like a new line of gay greeting cards.

rhonda- Yes. Pre-Nicole. Pre-Beating The Crap Out Of Chuck Finley. Pre-Looking Like An Old Hag.

NCS- I am Teh Awesome when I talk about things that are Teh Suck!

compulsive- My neck is still red. Yes, I'm a redneck.

aubrey- I only wear it on days when my scalp flakiness is at an all time high. I wonder if thats why the Newsies boys wore them? I love Christian Bale....even if he has dandruff. MMMM, Christian Bale dandruff....

millie- And that's why you should stop by my blog FIRST and make me top priority while your brain is fresh and acute! Maybe you're tired because you broke your foot?

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

I'm sure that's it. My broken foot is the bane of my existence. I know you didn't know that.

I'll try your suggestion, but I always get so distracted by all the shiny things in my living room that by the time I get to you, I'm overstimulated to the point of needing a nap.

Stacey said...

Ask and it shall be revealed..

http://stacesplace.blogspot.com/

Suzanne said...

Elastic, you are too much! How can so much cleverness fit into one post!?! Great news about the truck! :D