Thursday, July 19, 2007

Grand Prize Losers Of The Baby Name Game

Tori's naughtiness has left an indelible stain on my once pure and virginal mind with her many unseemly and raunchy fan innuendos. I'm going to have to listen to at least 6 hours of Christian rock to make penance. I hope you're happy now, Tori, turning my wholesome blog into a veritable den of iniquity! So, anyway, today I'm giving all of you the gift of a threesome. Don't get too excited- I'm referring to three recent sightings of some very craptacular names.
*Now that's some OLD Dick!*------------------>
I can't reveal my confidential source to you, but in the past month, I've run across a man named Peter P. VanDong. Yes, P.P Van Dong. Not since Dick VanDyke has the world seen a more unfortunate name. I'm secretly hoping that the P. stands for Piper or Peck. Anyway, he lives in a million dollar house, but can't pony up money for one of his bills. He's a deadbeat. Worse than that, he's a deadbeat who's complained bitterly every single day about getting his service cut while only coughing up a 20 dollar payment for his delinquent account. You can tell a lot from a name. The double euphemism was likely no accident.
Twas a time when I pined away for Bill Nye The Science Guy and I dreamed of him personally teaching me all about reproduction, and one day getting married to him in a lavish ceremony complete with his and hers matching lab coats. Today I spotted this baby announcement with one super crappy made-up name on it.....Deason Wade Nye. No, not, Deacon, which is legitimate, but Deason. Oh Bill, how could you?!!!?? I would have had your baby and named him something nice too. Maybe, William The Science Guy Nye Junior.

And finally, before naming your precious little one, please make sure to google your top name contenders prior to the birth. You don't want your baby to share his or her name with those who have sullied reputations, do you? Case in point, a lovely family we know through Church recently named their baby something that made me break out of my usually super sugary sweet character to remark to my oldest girls, "Whoa, did they name her after an exotic dancer?" To test my theory, I did a quick google search to confirm my suspicions, and found that all but one of the top ten listings showed various strip clubs and adult movies. It seems that a performer who shares the same name with the afore mentioned adorable baby has appeared in a fine feature film called 'Chocolate Honeys 4.' Nice.

If only I could just smack some people upside their heads with a 'Traditional Baby Names' book, the world would be a much better place.


Special K~ Toni said...


Special K~ Toni said...

I love bill Nye! Thankfully my boys have nice normal names! They will thank me one day!

jams o donnell said...

Strange outr priests never prescribed Stryper as a penance in confession. That would be worse than a thousand Hail Marys and the hessian underwear!

Sorry but I cringe when I see the name W...m N-e.. I have never heard of the Science Guy but there is someone at work with that name. I will stop there before I start ranting

So you wil never name a daughter Neveah then?

Nancy Face said...

Wow, makes me grateful for my three kids' nice, "normal people" names! I would have loved to have been sitting behind you in church, gleefully eavesdropping, hehe! ;)

Melissa said...

I love bad baby names! There used to be a blog devoted to finding bad baby names, but it closed down... sigh... it was always good for a laugh :)
Did you hear about the couple in New Zealand that are trying to name their baby "4 Real" - and the government is trying to stop them. I have to admit, for the child's sake, I'm cheering for the government!

Tori :) said...

I am so sorry for my horrible comments. I'm even more sorry that they came so easily to me. I could make a comment about that last sentence, but I won't.

Wanna hear a funny baby name story? Ok, Taj and Liv are not only the names of 2 of my children. They are also the names of 2 of Steven Tyler's (yes- of Aerosmith) children. We didn't do that on purpose. Just like when I did name Tristan for Brad Pitt's character on Legends of the Fall, I did not name Isabel for Isabel of the same movie. I named her for my great-grandma... Oops.

nikko said...

Rofl. I prefer "normal people" names, too. I heard through the grapevine of a girl named Petunia Pineapple. Yikes!

Lauren said...

There is this lady who comes into the place I work quite frequently. Here name is "Ginger Snap". Yep...Ginger freakin Snap.

Wow, Dick van Dyke truly does have the worst name ever!

Kimberly said...

Once encountered someone online who was naming her new baby boy after his father. Calling him, "You Bastard". Nice, eh?

mcewen said...

I have nothing witty to add, so I'll just bask in yours. [I remember you policy on lurking!]

BarnGoddess said...

yep, I prefer normal people names too...I did want to name Wee One Blaze tho and the hubs said hell no that made him sound like a pothead....

didnt some celebrity name their kid 'apple'?

omar said...

My biggest issue is when names are not pronounceable. Unique is fine (within reason), as long as an unrelated third party could look at the name in writing and be able to properly say it. I always thought it would suck having to go through life coaching everyone on how to correctly say your name.

This doesn't apply to people from different countries who have moved to America, btw. I'm talking about Joe and Kathy Smith from New Jersey who name their kid "Davon." (Real name, pronounced dave-ON.)

As for the children of celebrities, I don't feel one bit bad for them. It's the regular kids who have to go through regular schooling and have to apply for jobs with crazy names that I feel bad for. (And it was Gwyneth Paltrow who named her daughter "Apple.")

omar said...

Just checked the Social Security Administration's website (, looks like "Davon" was the 603rd most popular name for US babies in 2006.

No Cool Story said...

Have I got one for you! Behold:
Urhines Kendall Icy Eight Special K.


Rhonda said...

So I guess if I name this baby Strawberry, there is going to be hell to pay? ;)

Jean Knee said...

What you think Jean Knee is an odd name? google it its all over the place only for some reason they keep saying I'm knee high

aubrey said...

there was a family with the last name 'Pane.' and they had a lot of kids. then their last kid was born and they named him Justin Other. i heard this on npr or something legit like that. i swear.

aubrey said...

p.s. what was the baby girls name?

elasticwaistbandlady said...

toni- Some people want to show how 'creative' and 'unique' they can be. Instead of taking up a craft or a hobby though, they show it by foisting some really horrific made-up sh*t names on their kids. Bad names make the Smiling Infidel weep. :(

jams- What? You don't like the name Heaven Nevaeh?!!!?? That's what I picked for my next girl.....or pet rock. Whichever comes first. So your Willy Nye isn't a science guy? How about Willy Nye The Pain In The Arse Guy? Sounds nice, don't it?

nancy- We have four baby Braydens/Braden/Braeden at church. I'm starting to really loathe that name. Whenever I see the scriptures about 'upbraideth me not' I think of that yucky name. And there's Eric Braeden as Victor from the Young And The Restless. Is he the reason everyone has pounced on this name?

MELISSA- We are so, like, kindred spirits! Must be the name. Run, don't walk to Baby's Named A Bad, Bad Thing. Just google it and you'll find their online forum. Be prepared for major snarkiness, though. I saw that about 4Real.....and the kid in the Netherlands named Metallica.....and the ban on the name Kevin in Mexico. Lots of interesting onomastic stuff.

tori- I'm shaking my Magic 8 Ball to see which celebrity baby sib set names you steal next while claiming you didn't know! Maybe Apple and Moses?

nikko- Petunia Pineapple sounds delicious. Maybe best served with a roasted pig?

lauren- I worked with a girl named Cinnamon once who got so excited whenever someone said the word cinnamon. We worked at a restaurant. She got excited a lot.

kim- Well, in this modern day random spelling craziness, it could have been U Baystaryd. The y is silent.

mcewen- This is a No Lurker Zone. I'm glad that you complied and I won't have to issue any lurker citations today.

barn- Blaze is a porn star name. I know this from a lady at the baby name board I hang out with who wanted to name her daughter that and found out the connection. Google is your friend!

omar- It's time for you and your woman to produce more nicely named and gorgeous little children like your son, omar. Maybe you can start a good naming trend in your area through your positive example!

NCS- I've seen that! Have you witnessed the horror of a kid named Genocide and another named Aryan Justice? What about the Louisiana toddler named Zeppelynne after Led Zeppelin? I've seen many naming atrocities, NCS. Many.

rhonda- Middle name Fields? Wine? Shortcake?

jean knee- But only to a grasshopper.

aubrey- That's classified information, ma'am. One thing I noticed is that when I googled the name last week, the whole page filled up with salacious links. When I googled it yesterday, the family's blog comes up first, and there's only TWO adult movies on the first page including Chocolate Honeys. I guess it's an ever changing thing. You know my gay stalker guy who posts as anonymous here? He's a Payne. And his first name has the general nickname of Dick. That's why I logically call him Dick Payne. It wasn't a tongue in cheek thing at all, I swear!

Emily said...

There is a wonderful book about weird Utah names called Naming LaVaun, you should buy it.
My husband came home recently laughing so hard about a name he'd seen on a bench sign, Rod Palmer, wow what misery.

aubrey said...

dick payne?! oooooh that SUCKS. ha ha. so her name is chocolate honey?