Tuesday, July 17, 2007

I Have A Number One Fan! And It's Never Even Tried To Hobble Me Either!

I'm smokin hot! How smokin hot am I? So hot that I got my own Infidel Fan Club, baby! Yeah, that's right, a lesser Infidel celebrity might feel annoyed at fans following them around, but not me. In fact, I welcome fans of all shapes, sizes, and colors, because I'm very diverse like that. It may seem a little co-dependent, but I'm just not happy without at least one fan in every room. Never before have I felt so cool. I recommend that everyone get a Fan Club for themselves!

Want to join the Infidel Fan Club? Simply send your Infidel Fan Club membership dues to the President of my Fan Club who's located at Houston Lighting And Power Company. They're doing a FANtastic (bad pun alert!) job keeping my Fan Club going although interest usually wanes during the wintertime. *Here's the newest members of my Fan Club right here!*


No Cool Story said...

Umm, huh, yeah, those fans are all white.
I actually have a brown fan. Light brown, but brown it is.
Actually it's more like tanned.

Tori :) said...

How do you feel about your husband being blown by a fan in every room?

Ok, that was horrible. But you commented about Sei saying "I like the way you handle that snake babe..."

aubrey said...

i love fans in all shapes and sizes. i have a really tall fan and then a really small fan. i read on carrot's blog that you can put a pan of water in front of your fan and it helps cool the room down. i have not tried this yet, but plan on doing it when the next hot day comes.

Special K~ Toni said...

I cannot believe sweet Tori said that! I was thinking it, but I know you good LDS gals don't talk about that stuff! Bad Tori:)!

Kimberly said...

I have seven fans.

So neener, neener, neener.

on.the.run said...

I hate fans except when I am asleep, they hurt me skin and eyes. Bad bad bad fans.

BarnGoddess said...

it is definitely feeling like summer.

we had a $300 electric bill.

electricity should be free!

nice fans BTW

Jean Knee said...

I'm so jealous, not only do you have fans but you have a gay stalker (D.P.) how do you do it?

Anonymous said...

I have had a fan or two blow on me daily for years. By the way, ms 44 AND 45 I have no idea about donato. I think he got married to a woman, didn't he??

Jean Knee said...

P. S. man it's hot in tx. that crappy sun gleams off my granite counters and heats the whole place up

PJ said...

"Freebird!" yelled one fan

Elizabeth-W said...

I'm really curious if the fan in front of water works in a muggy environment. The principle is like a swamp cooler, but they only really work in dry climates. I wonder if with a house that has AC to take the moisture out, if adding moisture back into the air is going to work?
I'll expect a full report next week, double-spaced.

aubrey said...

ooh, modest mouse. super cool.

Nancy Face said...

I live in a scorching desert climate...I absolutely adore my nine fans, although they're not as cool as yours! All they ever do is hang out on the ceiling, spreading dust bunnies as they spin, and looking down on us with disdain...I loved your post, so fun! :D

jams o donnell said...

Damn someone beat me to the "being blown by a fan" comment. Ah well! Does the club do a reasonable overseas rate is there a regular mag and signed 10"x8"s??? How about bumper stickers and badges?

Perhaps you can arrnge a franchise. I will handle the London end although interest will drop off more quickly than in Houston (shorter summers you see...)

mcewen said...

If it doesn't come from Target it never gets bought.

Lauren said...

Wow, Tori...Wow.

Sometimes I feel out of place in the world of married women hahahaha.

This blog was amazing. How DO you think of this stuff?!

Melissa said...

Our fan club is fairly large at the moment... but there's always room for more! Glad to hear that yours is thriving!

Tori :) said...

Yes Toni and Lauren- I'm bad. I admit it. But I "play" innocent really well, don'tcha think??? My husband worked at a jail. He has jail humor and it's rubbed off on me.

Carrot Jello said...

Yeah, well, that whole "ice cubes in front of the fan" thing doesn't really work. In a few minutes you've got a bowl full of water in front of a fan, doing absolutely nothing.

Isaura said...

I am your #1 fan if you are using box fans in this muggy heat. ALL HAIL the INFIDEL!!!!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

NCS- They're new. We're all white and pure when we're brand new and fresh, right. At least on the inside. Just give them a few weeks in my filthy house and they'll be a lovely shade of gray just like all the other fans.

t0ri- You are a sinner. And I think your comment is what really blows.
(I hate it when bloggy friends are snappier than the old elastic! :) If we hung out together, we'd be the scourge of the Scrapbooking Party Women.

audrey-That only creates ripple effects on the water surfac e in your pan. Which is great, if you're training a mouse to windsurf.

toni- I blogged about BJ Services, remember? May I quote Maroon 5 for just a moment? "Feels sooo good to be bad!"

kimberly- Yeah, but have all your fans seen you naked? All of mine have.

on the run- I like the noise they make. Although nothing can replace men in togas fanning me with giant palms and feeding me brownie bites, my new fan club members come close.

barn goddess- I remember when the Electric Company was free. On PBS anyway.

jean knee- Listen, don't you be trying to horn in on my gay stalker action. ya hear? Dick Payne is mine, all mine! He likes me because I'm a laminate hussy. He thinks granite counter women are just way too high maintenance. I'd use your piping hot counters as a makeshift bun warmer and chafing dish.

Dick Payne- Yes, but he's preternaturally obsessed with gayness. Julio told Papi a story about the two of them going out to a club and the girls they approached asked Donato if he was gay! Julio says he talks about that kind of stuff all the time. Plus, he wear a black tank top and has a greasy ponytail. What other proof do we really need?!!? Papi says he married his clingy wifey-poo to get him some papers. You do know all those Argentineans are as illegal as my black market Craks Fifth Avenue merchandise, right?

PJ- Unfortunately, that fan was in the middle of KFC and he triggered a mass stampede for free chicken that ended in tragedy and massacred coleslaw.

EW- I'm too lazy to try all that. Why don't you contact Bill Nye, he seems to have a lot of free time these days?

aubrey- Yeah, they sure beat Puffy Over Inflated Ego Mouse.

nancy- When mine start throwing off dust balls everywhere, the kids begin saying, "Look Ma, it's going to be a White CHristmas after all!!"

jams- I need you to find a proper Elnglish woman named Fanny to be my Club Mascot. Can you I count on you?

mcewen- I appeal to the lower end fan spectrum. All my fans belong to the Wal Mart set.

lauren- See, I try to keep my thoughts clean and pure and unsullied. Not like that hussy, tori. That's why I blog about sweet things and wait for her to come by with her dirty mind and filthy mouth to turn it into something unwholesome. I know who's getting the new pack of Orbit gum I just bought.

melissa- Being a huge Infidel celebrity with many fans doesn't come cheap, you know.

tori- Now here you go again talking about getting stuff rubbed off on you. Does your filthiness ever end, young lady?!!??

carrot jello- I'd ask my fans to crush the ice cubes for me so I can make a tropical drink to cool off.

isaura- You're my number one fan, huh? You haven't ever watched or read Steven King's Misery before, have you? Have you??!!?

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Let the record show that Tori is an Infidel Fan Club Hater.

She just jealous of my super duper fan action. Jealous, I tell you!

Anonymous said...

Maybe he is gay then. Who knows, really. He never made a pass at me, that's for sure. Papi is still there? He's sooo hot! Makes me want to leave my husband and shack up with that hottie!

Tori :) said...

I am super duper jealous. Your fans are so easily turned on and just stand straight up all the time.
But, let the record also show that although the fan in my bedroom is well hung and can be turned on with a little yank, Seiuli is the only man/fan for me.

Sorry- couldn't help myself. I'll go repent now.

David said...

Um Um Um...I'm telling the Bishop!

And you thought my playlist was bad!

Jennifer B. said...

You must be pretty COOL to have fans like that. (Couldn't help myself)

Thanks for the birthday postcard! Poor Fifi. There she was going to h*ll and I just laughed at her.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

David- You go right ahead, sir, and tell my Bishop. Then maybe he'll appoint me Ward DJ and we won't have to shake it to lame Eric Clapton and Amy Grant songs anymore.

Have you ever tried to get your groove on to 'Change The World?' It ain't easy.