The Toilet Paper Terrorists showed no mercy as they blanketed the entire yard with shredded newspapers, leaving nothing unscathed in their path of destruction. They even fashioned a make-shift hood out of a Charmin bag and placed it over the Drill Team yard sign and stuffed the rest in the mailbox. That's a federal offense. The Task Force suspect multiple persons involved in the commission of this cowardly act of Toilet Paper Terror, and they're currently closing in on the possible funding source for these Terrorist activities. It's not HAMAS, but rather a local organization known as MAMAS and PAPAS who plied the money for the high-end, premium toilet paper found at the scene of the crime.
Only YOU can prevent Toilet Paper Terrorism. Only YOU can help take a bite out of Toilet Paper Crime. Only YOU can bring me a fried chicken sandwich. Right now. The Task Force recommends buying pressure washers to combat these sneaky Terrorists with water surges. You should stockpile poop to use as emergency projectile weaponry-it's a very strong deterrent. We learned that primitive arsenal tip from watching monkeys throw crap at each other. It seemed pretty effective. The Task Force has also advised keeping Amway sales people caged in your backyard and releasing them as a last-ditch emergency effort to stop a random act of Toilet Paper Terrorism. This will have the terrorists begging for mercy and surrendering their toilet paper supply to you.....Victory!
Who needs a crappy pyramid scheme for cheap paper goods? Not me.