Thursday, July 26, 2007

If You Don't Read This, Then The Terrorists Will Win!

Don't Let The Terrorists Win. The Task Force on Toilet Paper Terrorism issued a warning last week and raised the Toilet Paper Terrorism threat level to a Code White status for the rest of the summer. Yet, these unfortunate homeowners, and their lack of Homeland Security, was still caught woefully unprepared for the attack that took place in the wee hours on Saturday morning.

The Toilet Paper Terrorists showed no mercy as they blanketed the entire yard with shredded newspapers, leaving nothing unscathed in their path of destruction. They even fashioned a make-shift hood out of a Charmin bag and placed it over the Drill Team yard sign and stuffed the rest in the mailbox. That's a federal offense. The Task Force suspect multiple persons involved in the commission of this cowardly act of Toilet Paper Terror, and they're currently closing in on the possible funding source for these Terrorist activities. It's not HAMAS, but rather a local organization known as MAMAS and PAPAS who plied the money for the high-end, premium toilet paper found at the scene of the crime.

Only YOU can prevent Toilet Paper Terrorism. Only YOU can help take a bite out of Toilet Paper Crime. Only YOU can bring me a fried chicken sandwich. Right now. The Task Force recommends buying pressure washers to combat these sneaky Terrorists with water surges. You should stockpile poop to use as emergency projectile weaponry-it's a very strong deterrent. We learned that primitive arsenal tip from watching monkeys throw crap at each other. It seemed pretty effective. The Task Force has also advised keeping Amway sales people caged in your backyard and releasing them as a last-ditch emergency effort to stop a random act of Toilet Paper Terrorism. This will have the terrorists begging for mercy and surrendering their toilet paper supply to you.....Victory!

Who needs a crappy pyramid scheme for cheap paper goods? Not me.


mcewen said...

This is the oddest thing. I don't think I've ever seen this 'habit' in England [please feel free to jump in correct me as I'm thoroughly out of date now] Maybe it's because of all the rain! It would be papier mache in minutes!
Now I'm going to hunt for you email as I wanted to send you something anyway.

mcewen said...

nope! Can't find it.
Cheery bye

Tori :) said...

Whoa- they got 'em good! Nice. Now who has to clean up the mess?? Where's FEMA?

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

I'm surprised Crap Happy Mama hasn't commented on this mess yet. She would be beside herself with glee at the sight of so much crapwipe.

Yes I said "crapwipe."

I love the caged Amway reps idea, except you can never find one when you need one because they'll never divulge their Amway membership. They are a shifty bunch.

Jean Knee said...

yeah but you forgot to state that you & Papi were the ones doing the papering on your romantic evening without the mini infidels.
next time let's double date, I love to sling crap.

speaking of crap, I don't see you denying anything

Sketchy said...


Oh and Spitballs might be a good deterent if properly stockpiled and allowed to stew.

Suzanne said...

A house covered in shredded newspaper and an Infidel that works with many papers every day. Hmm... This wouldn't perchance be the home of the annoying customer that impatiently taps his foot at 5:55 each morning, would it be??? :D

Radioactive Jam said...

I think it looks rather Festive.

omar said...

It's not often that I can say this, but I was thinking the same thing RaJ was. If there was no debris on the path, I'd think it was done for some occasion, and not as an act of vandalism.

Lauren said...

mmm...fried chicken sandwich.

Nancy Face said...

mmm...projectile poop.

Special K ~Toni said...

You really shouldn't reward the little Infidels by taking pictures of their shenanigans!

I would be so pissed if that was my house!

David said...

What? The lawn wasn't forked as well?
Those are some small time terrorists.

RC said...

Those TP terrorist did a good job at the ground level coverage...but man, their height skills appear lacking.

Elizabeth-W said...

I'm with RC. Give them a 7 out of 10.
The other day we drove past a house that had been 'hit', and my older daughter just kept asking 'why'?? I'm sure she'll understand when she's about 12; at least, that is when I began to understand the beauty, the artistry of the TP-ing. said...

Here in Tejas people do this to the houses of people they like, when I lived in Colorado people did it to the houses of people they didn't like. We got TP'd plenty when we lived in Denver but not a once when we lived here. I hated cleaning that stuff out of the trees, it did turn to paper mache when it got wet.

Anonymous said...

I personally fear the Toilet Paper Terrorists. Being the new owner of a very popular teenager, I expect my house to eventually resemble that one.

David, please don't give the little terrorist any new ideas such as forking the yard. My husband might hunt them down like animals (he is a hunter... this is a distinct possibility). He is quite proud of his yard and might go temporarily insane if someone messes with it.

Skewedview said...

Looks to me like a pack of our furry friends have been let loose and caused havoc on the neighbors. Oh sure you say. Haven't you seen them practicing around the house? It all looks so innocent when the TP is unrolled all the way down the hall and into the living room.
Perfect acts of terrorism don't come without practice, practice, practice!

Melissa said...

My hubby and his high school buddies went toilet papering one time. Unfortunately for them the house they targeted had cattle. Thus, they also had electric fences. Another good deterrant...
Oh, by the way... YOU WON!! I didn't even fix the darn thing... I let the kids draw the names and WHALAH! You might consider sharing with Jean Knee since she threatened to revoke the laws of gravity if she didn't win... I'll send it out on Monday :)

jams o donnell said...

This is all well and good ewbl. Defensive measures are fine but you have to get to the heart of the problem. Without their supplies these tp terrorists would be nothing. There is an urgent need for pre-emptive strikes against the evil purveyors of TP and the hordes of Al-crapper members who peddle this evil firlth.

If you don't hit at the source there will merely be paper over the cracks.

Gah now that punchline wasnt worth it eh??

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I took this picture in a neighborhood down the street. I couldn't believe how thorough the TP Terrorists were, and adding shredded newspaper for ground cover was a stroke of genius. The best prank I've seen is where they wrap a car with plastic wrap-going round and round and round the car until its impossible to get through all the layers. LOVE IT!

mcewen- it's
I have a cop friend who hasn't bought toilet paper in years because he busts kids out wrapping houses and confiscates the 'evidence.'

tori- I was duly impressed and glad I had my camera to commemmorate it.

millie- I left a comment over at Crap Happy Mamas and she hasn't even bothered to return the favour. The nerve. Maybe's she's sick and on the crapper for the past few days? Crapwipe is what my Papi uses. He gets real pissy with me if I don't buy his moist butt wipies at the store. It feels nasty to me, like cleaning a baby's butt-but if my man likes it, then my man gets it. Dr. Laura would approve.

jean knee- I'm already offensive and now you expect me to be DEFENSIVE too??!?!!? I wish I could claim this TP masterwork as my own, but alas, it ain't. Back in the day I used to have naughty little signs to post in the yard too. Did you see any signs? No, you didn't because this wasn't an Infidel custom TP job. Gotta look for the signs to verify authenticity.

sketchy!- I'm having a torrid love affair! It's exciting! And bold! And has a pointy stick and ball! It's my exclamation point! How I love them! And cherish them!

suzanne- He's strictly Chik-Fil-A debris, suzanne. Sometimes I almost wish I still had kids in diapers so I could drop a bag of crappiness on his yard.

RAJ- FIESTA! Toilet Paper Fiesta! Followed by a Toilet Paper Siesta! (that's when you fall asleep on the potty)

omar- That house is every paper recyclers dream come true, omar.

Lauren- with mustard, cheese, and pickles only.

nancy- You can learn a lot from a monkey, and poop-throwing is a very good tactic.

toni- I hope they don't foist the cleanup off on their lawn guy. We had a house around the corner tagged with graffiti that said some reeeaaalllly bad things on it. They painted on the brick too. Puts TP antics into perspective.

David- I'm partial to sporks, myself.

rc- We should issue some sort of TP standard for the state of Texas that they all must carry ladders and equipment with them. Where's the pride, RC? Where's the pride?

on the run- My moms cheap. I'm glad that nobody ever TP-ed our house because she would have made us roll it back up and use it.

carol!- Forking is so calculated, expensive, and time-consuming. That's real dedication!

skewedview- I use to practice wrapping myself up like a mummy in it. Who knew that I could put those skills to use at Baby Showers 20 years later?

melissa- I WON!!!!! Out of ALL those many, many comments you got, I won? WOOOOOOOO.

jams- Well, I figured with the newspaper and the toilet paper....that yard would be the perfect place to take a dump and catch up on the news at the same time. Think Al Bundy.
You're The Punchline King, jams. The King!

mcewen said...

Thursday, Thursday, Thursday - are you running behind? Where is my daily dose of mirth? Is all well?
Best wishes

Jean Knee said...

yeah, what mcewen said. plus you aren't being a good stalker, I made a stalker confession to you on my blog I think on the rooster comments, and you haven
t even seen it. what, you have sooo many comments and alias blog personalities you can't stalk properly?

BarnGoddess said...

omg! now that is a thorough job. Definitely the work of professionals....

Id be so mad if this was my house. But of course my house isnt as near as nice..

Jennifer said...

I think the terrorists buy their amo at Sam's Club in bulk!

jams o donnell said...

Al Bundy? Hmm I have enough foul habits but I am not a shoe salesman!

Kim Thomas said...