Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Infidel Conspiracy Theory Day

I've uncovered a frightening phenomenon that's spreading rapidly amongst the haute couture fashion world of elastic waist band garments....... the slow and deliberate disappearance of pockets.

Yes, sadly, pockets have started vanishing at an alarming rate, especially in plus size bottoms. How do I know this? Well, I happen to have a plus sized bottom and I've witnessed the heartbreak of disappearing pockets first hand. No, not Hot Pockets, but pockets where you store necessary items for your daily survival in. Well, I guess in a pinch you could store your stuff in a Hot Pocket along with its processed meat and runny sauce. Without pockets, where else can I put my nacho money? What about my life-saving Chapstick? What about the booger collection lovingly spread across a Kleenex by one of my mini-Infidels who wants me to store it in my pocket for safe keeping? I have six kids and for reasons of practicality, I don't want to lug a purse around all the time.

It's glaringly obvious that those heavy-handed thugs down at the Fanny Pack Factory have orchestrated this entire thing so that we're forced into buying their fashionista boycotted product and turning around the fanny pack stock market, long since in a state of decline. They want us all to look just like geeky Aunt Irma with her bright pink neon fanny pack strapped to her side, wandering around looking for the Andy Williams Theater in Branson. Well, I know their little game and I'm staging a revolt. No fanny pack will ever grace this Infidel fanny. Never!

I'm really taking a chance letting my speculations see the light of the day, and I hope it doesn't place me on a Fanny Pack assassin hit list. I'd host a fundraiser for the cause by soliciting loose pocket change, but nobody has pockets anymore. Cruel, cruel irony.

13 comments:

Lauren said...

I am FIRST! I am so cool now.

Anyway, do NOT sink to the evils of fanny packs...they are the devil. I think the devil has swayed my mom to the dark side because whenever we go to Disneyland (yes the land of happiness) she wears a ...FANNY PACK! I am single handedly trying to change this.

In my opinion, a gooey Hot Pocket is a better choice.

jams o donnell said...

What a smashing bumbag (as we call them here) and in the perfect colour scheme for Gay Tuesday to boot!

Nancy Face said...

OH MY GOODNESS! Where can I get one of those gorgeous happy rainbow-striped fanny packs? All I have is a boring basic black one, not anywhere near as cool as that one, and definitely not happy enough to wear to DISNEYLAND!!! ;)

Jean Knee said...

Oh yeah? if you don't have a fanny pack why is there a pic of you wearing one? and rainbow striped

My Bro in Law wears a fanny pack all the time. He thinks he is the next thing in fashion kind of like that episoe on friends where Joey carries a man bag- only gayer

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I lifted this special, special Fanny Pack picture from a Gay Pride web site where they lovingly make these by hand. BY HAND!!! I'm thinking of trying to get a bulk discount to add to the official uniforms of my Gay Warriors. I mean, we ain't afraid of no rainbow colors....rainbows are for happy people!

Elizabeth-W said...

Bum Bag!!! I love that term. Can we switch to that instead of fanny pack? I would like to state for the record I have never worn a bum bag.

on.the.run said...

My mom has a black leather fanny pack that she uses instead of a purse, I must admit, I don't like it one bit. I also admit that I have one that I wear when I run really long distances, it is pretty dang ugly....

They don't call it a fanny pack in the UK because fanny is another word for what Oprah refers to as the 'Va Jay Jay.'

nikko said...

I, too, have noticed the lack of pockets. Right this very moment, I happen to be wearing a pair of elastic, plus-sized, maternity stretch pants with NO POCKET! What is this world coming to?

And, you will never catch me with a fanny pack. I'd rather lug a diaper bag than one of those puppies.

Special K ~Toni said...

I remember about 12 to 13 years ago when everyone had a fanny pack- I had several- I was so cool. Now, I cringe!

Carrot Jello said...

booger collection? *gag*

mcewen said...

So, your fashion theory would be that the BUM BAG!! [please not the dreaded F word] draws attention to something, or helps disguise something?
Cheers

Melissa said...

My mom uses a bum bag... makes me crazy...

No Cool Story said...

Fanny Packs of Doom.
Not fair, not right at all. I smell eeevil.

Besides fanny packs are Teh Ghey.