Monday, July 23, 2007

Oh, Here He Comes......He's A Wheat Eater!

We returned home last week to find this enterprising solicitation fastened to our door handle. Now, I'm sure that Edwin Lopez is a very nice young man, but his letter seeking out new landscaping clientele concerned me.

Yes, Edwin must have somehow found out about our super secret Infidel food storage stash and he wants to come and claim it for himself. We have six mini-Infidels eating us out of house and home- why should we share our bounteous wheat blessings with Edwin just because he mows our lawn? I wonder if he's a picky wheat eater? I mean, could I safely trust him around our Cream Of Wheat supply and Wheat Thin crackers, or does his wheat appetite demand freshly ground primo wheat only? I don't know if I feel safe anymore with a self-professed wheat eater prowling the streets of the neighborhood. Maybe we should invest in some heavy padlocks to keep our wheat storage from being violated by wheat-obsessed Edwin?

Edwin blows. Hey, he even says so right on his own letter!

37 comments:

Dan the Echo Boomer said...

My services only offer quinoa eating. It's better for you than wheat!

Radioactive Jam said...

Land escaping. Man you get AWESOME stuff on your door handle; all we get are cocoons.

Another thing you "got" - a nice shiny blogging award. Congratulations!

aimee / greeblemonkey said...

Be sure to make sure he doesn't need the gluten-free stuff too. That could get expensive.

Elizabeth-W said...

Land Escaping!! Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!!
I think you should invite Mr. Lopez to join your school.
Bless his heart. Tell him if he does your yard, your Infidels will help him re-do his signs.

Lauren said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Land ESCAPING...wow. Yah, I would guard your Wheaties with your life.

Jean Knee said...

I haven't seen that darling Alfred E Neuman in years.

What award? I didn't see no award

Anonymous said...

Keep this advertisement! If this guy will blow and all he wants in return is wheat, then I want his number!

Tori :) said...

OMG!!! LOL!!! Land "escaping" and "Wheat eating"- send this in to Leno for "Headlines." That's awesome.
And yes, I could make some perv remark, but I am biting my tongue. It's just too easy...

Lia said...

I was going to comment on land escaping, but I think I've missed out on any novelty value it once had.

Instead, I'll say that he should be a bit more specific about what he's offering - because a free yard of mulch - how big can that yard be? What if I have a five acre yard? Oh, you meant "square yard"? Still plenty of room for misinterpretation.

nikko said...

Too funny! I recently found a site that is a collection of grocery lists. Some of the spelling is sooo funny!

I agree with Tori. You should send it to Leno!

Chris said...

There's quality in wheat eating? What friendly service is he talking about? Is it making us laugh at his expense and apparent lack of any sense?

God bless this man for cheering me up. And you too, Ms Infidel. Or is it Mrs?

Nancy Face said...

Bahahahaha! Edwin's service may be quality and friendly, but he comes up WAY short in the smarts department! My hubby was a "Land Escaper" when we were first married, but at least he could spell! And he never ate his customers' wheat, haha! I'm with Tori...Jay Leno has got to see this!!!

Alfred E. Newman is the bomb! ;0

BarnGoddess said...

how about Farina?

Ive got some ya can have...

Carrot Jello said...

You crack me up. Everyday. Yes. You crack me up everyday. You leave me speechless too.

jams o donnell said...

On the other hand the first yad of mulcj IS FREE!!! Can you refuse such an offer???

Special K ~Toni said...

How does one help a lawn 'escape'? Where would your lawn go?

Amber said...

I just found something new to put on my resume. I had no idea it was marketable.

Oh, and thanks for bringing new meaning to "dump truck."

Lisa said...

Funny. You are funny. Edwin is funny. Wheat eating is a talent. Don't hide your talents.

on.the.run said...

Ah what a cute funny little man.

Kayelyn and clan said...

Why would I pay Edwin what I already do so well? Land escaping!

That he eats wheat and blows is very interesting.

carronin said...

So Edwin wants to escape your land while eating some wheat? That kid must have some mad skills spelling isn't one of them.

Suzanne said...

He better not eat too much wheat or he'll be in some big trouble tomorrow! LOL! :D

mcewen said...

Oh come along now, we know that you infidels are great sharers!
Cheers

compulsive writer said...

That's the best. I want someone to come eat my wheat.

compulsive writer said...

That's the best. I want someone to come eat my wheat.

p.s. don't read my blog. it's about Harry.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Why compulsive? Are you rotating your food storage?

mcewen-Who told you that we're sharecroppers? It's not true.

suzanne- Then I'll suppose he'll want to use the special Infidel toilet tucked away in our Infidel lair. :(

carronin- He's edgy. He said that in his letter too.

kayelynn- I recommend wearing a hair net and face shield if you're ever to engage in conversation with Edwin.

on the run- Maybe I should send young Edwin down to your hood. I bet they wouldn't mock him as much. Can you keep a secret? Sometimes I'm not a very nice person.

lisa- I'm funny and I only have funny money to show for it. Well, that and callused bloggy typing fingers.

amber- May you never have a wild child like some of my mine who turned our yard and home into personal toilets.

toni- Land escape. You know, like escape to alcatraz, escape from witch mountain, and the great escape? He's an escape artist!

jams- yes. yes I can.

carrot- I bet if I poked you in the side with a carrot you'd have something to say!

barn goddess- Is that what lawn guys in Oklahoma demand?

nancy face- Our favorite taco place Dumass Taco made it onto Jay Leno. I don't want anyone to think bad things about Houston people and submit even more dumass things.

chris- Scientific research shows that wheat eaters are significantly more happy because of increased regularity. Are you a wheat eater, chris? Shouldn't you be?

NIKKO- Like when Papi wrote down SKIN milk?

Lia- You and RAJ are faster then me. I only noticed the wheat eating thing.

tori- You naughty, naughty little minx. Do I have to send holy water to you to quench those fiery demons making you say bad things? I know it can't be the real sweet Tori doing it.

DICK PAYNE- Whoooooaaaa there, boy! A lot of people got this on their door. You want a guy who deals grass and gets around?

jean knee- He's making me A Ward.....of the state. Mental hospital here I come. (by the way, thanks for walking me through the Michael Vick thing. You should write a Jean Knee Guide To The Universe-For Dummies)

lauren- I have a Beefeater guarding my wheat from a wheat eater. (alcohol reference!)

elizabeth- Mr. Lopez would try to pay with grass services and that would be morally reprehensible.

aimee- I'm going to give him some wheat germ without any wheat antibiotic. That'll teach him!

RAJ- You get aliens wrapping themselves up on your porch like in that movie, Cocoon? Sweet! Does it come with a side of Steve Guttenberg?

Dan- You wouldn't be saying those things if you tried my wheat bran muffins. You'd spit on quinoa. SPIT ON IT!

Radioactive Jam said...

Aliens? I wish.

Now that I think about it, Kiler Klowns From Outer Space - didn't they use giant cotton candy cocoons? I need to watch that one again.

PJ said...

Good Boy.

PinkPowerSuit.com said...

LOL. That's hilarious.

So, I just happened to be sitting here with earphones. Nothing was playing. Just a residual position. Suddenly a favourite Tori Amos song comes on. "How did I do that?" I realized, it must be your blog. I left and so did Tori. Came back and she was gone. But I was introduced to Crystal Ball. Love it! I see the tunes player now. I have Finetune on my blog but I make its play optional.

Annie said...

Great post ideas just get dropped off at your doorstep! No fair!

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

"Ah, Edwin. Hopefully you're saving up for some Hooked On Phonics"

is my sorry attempt at being witty today. I apologize.

Melissa said...

I'm not so sure you should accept his "friendly service"...

Melody said...

Land escaping services? . . . if he's escaping your land will he really show up for the job? Definately - please - send it to Leno.

Isaura said...

HAHA That reminds me of one that we got on our front door that my sisters kept trying to get me to send to Letterman and i accidently threw it out. It was for Pressure Washing and said they had pressure washing services for:
"Commercial
Residential
Apartments
and
Condoms"

can you say ewwww

aubrey said...

i am now done with harry potter so i am venturing into the blog world again.

wow. that advertisement is AMAZING. i mean he spells wheat properly. and escape properly. how could you spell good but get it all wrong? this is baffling to me.

David said...

Mire, pobre Edwin probablemente no puede escribir en espanol tampoco. Quienes somos para juzgarlo...?

LOL! That ad is too funny!

No Cool Story said...

Ditto on what Annie said.

I'm juts glad I can scroll up and not see that freaky "The grudge" picture you posted.
=:O