Monday, July 02, 2007

My Mom Says That Blogging Is Dangerous, And Stupid Too!

I used to regard every word that sprang forth from my mother's saintly mouth as the gospel truth ................. but not anymore. Mama always told me that I needed to exercise fiscal caution with my allowance because money doesn't grow on trees. However, the existence of a veritable orchard of Dollar Trees spread across these great United States proves her wrong. Very wrong. Then I started wondering where else she might have led me astray because my mom also told me:
  • "Don't do that, or you'll go blind!"
  • "Always put on clean underwear when you leave the house in case you get into an accident."
  • "Don't pet stray animals or you'll get rabies."
  • "Stop picking at yourself. You'll get a scar."
  • "If you don't wear a brassiere, your boobs will hang down to your knees like the tribal ladies on the pages of a National Geographic magazine."
  • "You have to sit out of the pool for 30 minutes after you eat or you'll get cramps and drown."
  • "Don't talk to strangers or accept candy from them."
Well, no more. Today's the day that I defy all that my mother taught me. I'm going to disprove each and every one of her Mom-isms and show the world that Mommy doesn't always know best. So, come on all you strangers- Talk to me! Send me candy! My rebellious spirit welcomes the exhilarating danger! I may have a little trouble typing a response back to you though because I'm spending the day with my eyes crossed and my tongue hanging out to show that my face will not freeze this way forever, and ever.


No Cool Story said...

"Don't do that, or you'll go blind!", Applies to blogging to you know.
I was told all of those, including how my face would freeze if I crossed my eyes.

So, did you get a scar?

Carrot Jello said...

I sent you jelly, and I'm a stranger. Heck, I sent you ketchup. That should count for something.

Jean Knee said...

By stranger do you mean someone you don't know or stranger as in
Elastic is stranger than fiction?
Either way Be Careful. Just look above at a certain someone wearing a hat. She didn't listen to her mom about her face sticking that way

Toni said...

Hmmm... I, too, am feeling a bit rebellious.... I think I will go run around with scissors and jump on the bed!

Melissa said...

Just as long as you don't start playing with matches... oh, and I read your confession on jean knee's site... :D

omar said...

You'll get cramps AND drown? I thought it was just cramps. Wow, glad I never tested that one!

Nancy Face said...

Your boobs will hang to look like the National Geographic tribal ladies? That's the most hilarious thing I have ever heard!

This post was so fantastic!

PJ said...

As long as you do NOT eat yellow snow.
Yes, all that rain your getting in the BIG state could turn to July snow...Global chillin'.

B said...

Wow, I thought there for a minute that we had the same mom and that we were long lost sisters! That is until I read all the other comments here and found out we pretty much all heard the same "mommilies" growing up. When my kids were little I told them that if they told a lie a big "X" would appear on their tongue. It kept them from telling lies, for the most part, until they found that I was the one who lying to them!
:-) Brenda

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

OK, here's a weird thing my mom's mom used to tell her: after losing a tooth, if you kept yourself from licking the place where the tooth fell out, a GOLD TOOTH would grow in its place. But you had to keep your tongue out of the spot or it wouldn't happen.

But why would you want a gold tooth to show up?

My mil used to tell me how bad blogging is. I think she may have given up on it (as long as I remember to never bring up my blog as a topic of conversation again).

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I'm leaving to go to work. Oh, what a luxurious life I lead! I got a whole batch of Good Mail done today, though. I still have 3 more people on my list, but I'm catching up! You all know my policy. All Good Mail and comments get returned.....eventually.

NCS- I didn't go blind. Sadly, I'm typing this comment with hairy palms. :(

carrot- I want to clarify for everybody that carrot sent me raspberry jelly and not Vaseline jelly or KY Jelly. Neither of which tastes very good on toast.

jean knee- You gave me candy and I didn't die when I ate it or have to pull sewing needles out of my mouth. We're total BFF's now!

toni- Don't come crying to me when you poke out your eye and it goes rolling across the floor!!!! (oh, sorry. I was channeling my mom again)

melissa- I peed on her stack of plastic bags for her newspapers too. Shhhhhhhh. I was once so young. And so vindictive.

omar- Don't fret, Omar. I'll share my Midol with you so you won't feel all crampy.

nancy face- Gracias and welcome to The Smiling Infidel Cult Of Personality! I'm not wearing a bra at this very moment. I guess its time to pierce my nose with some bamboo sticks and make myself a spear.

PJ- It rained again today. My dog is now afraid to go out into the backyard because the grass is taller than him and it tickles his butt. Sometimes when I'm real lazy and thirsty at the same time, I just stand outside with my mouth open. Acid rain could explain some of personality glitches.

b.- I used to tell my little brother that RYE was a bad word, but that PUMPERNICKEL was the worst word ever! He used to scream PUMPERNICKEL at me and run away laughing. I've passed that tradition on to my kids. You should see how shocked and horrified they are at the rampant profanity when we go to the bakery.

millie- Your mom's mom was right on the money. How else would you explain Flava Flav and Nelly? They must have had a lot of control and never put their tongues in the spot where the tooth fell. My mom told me that if I didn't dry good between my legs after a shower that I would grow mold on my private area. I believed her up until just a few years ago. Sad. Really sad.

Tori :) said...

Are you swallowing your gum too? Ya know it doesn't digest for 7 years... or something like that.

Elizabeth-W said...

My daughters' swimming teacher told the little kid class that if they peed in the pool the water around them would turn bright purple so everyone would know they did it.

I've been known to tell my children that if they swallow cherry pits a tiny tree will grow out their bum.

Elizabeth-W said...

Oh, and I always have worn a bra (precisely b/c my crazy grandmother fed me that line which she truly 100% believed), and, well, you know that song about do your ears hang low, do they wobble to and fro, can you tie them in a knot, can you tie them in a bow??
Well, while that is a bit of an overstatement, but still....nursing takes a lot out of a gal.
And you know how dumb I am? Even as a kid, I knew on some level my grandmother must be an idiot b/c she always was properly attired, but at 70 she was pretty dang saggy--how did she account for that?

Isaura said...

or if you go outside with your hair wet you'll get pneumonia.
Dollar Tree is waaay better that 99 cent store. And the best Dollar Tree ever is on West Gray next to the best Mega Marshalls ever.

Carrot Jello said...

Elastic, I'm going to fly to Tehas just to see if you're really this funny in person.

Lauren said...

Hahah! I continue to be amazed by your awesome posts. How DO you think of this stuff?!!

jams o donnell said...

LOL EWBL! I would sugest you do listen to your mother. I wish I did. I wouldn't have to shave my hairy palms if I had....

elasticwaistbandlady said...

tori- Yeah, my mom told me that too. But then I fixed her real good by deliberately stepping on a crack!

elizabeth- My children are all the products of immaculate conception. My mom always said that pregnancy results from swallowing watermelon seeds. Boy, was she right! Oh, and I'm saggy too despite my best brassiere efforts. Not even a corset can save me now. :(

isaura- My mom has grand ambitions to become royalty one day. She spends a lot of time with King Dollar hoping that he'll make her his Queen Dollar.

carrot- I'm delayed reaction. Writing suits delayed reaction people. If I ever went on an improv show, I'd be sunk. When you coming to Tejas? I'll show you all the important sights like Dumass Taco, Pancho's Mexican Buffet, the outlet malls.....

lauren- Here's the formula:
Take 1/3 sheer exhaustion
1/3 Twinkies
1/3 brain cells lost from lack of blood flow because my bras too tight
Mix it up, throw it into one squishy body, and Voila!

jams- Mama said there'd be days like this, there'd be days like this, my mama said. Strange days indeed, most peculiar, mama! said...

After volunteering in the emergency room at the hospital I can vouvh for the clean panty thing...

Rhonda said...

Tell your mom that it's having kids that makes your boobs hang down to your knees, not a lack of bra. And you will probably poop yourself if you get in an accident that is serious enough where the people at the hospital feel they have to check your panties.

aubrey said...

is it REALLY bad to sit close to the tv? i've been telling ava that but am not even sure it's true. it's just what my mom told me!

and wearing my brassiere didn't help me from getting aborigini boobs as my sis and i call them.

Nancy Face said...

Simply brilliant! :D Yeah, my mom told me lots of that junk, plus this little gem: "You'd better watch your figure or the boys won't!" And my personal favorite: "When a boy leaves on a mission he's afraid his girl won't wait for him, but when he's about to come home, he's afraid she WILL!" (grrr)