Tuesday, August 14, 2007

It's Sasquatch Day Down At The Salon!

After 33 years of waiting, I finally got to experience the thrills of my 'first time.'

I've listened to many a people talking excitedly about their blissfully fantastic first time, but I chose to abstain from such things and hold out because I didn't want an impugned reputation as a 'painted lady.' Well, on Friday I finally did the deed.....

.......and got a pedicure!

My mom treated us both to a nice hour at the spa because she didn't want me going to Colorado with ugly feet. Yeah, what people think of my feet are the least of my worries when I'm about to meet a veritable buttload of dazzlingly gorgeous and witty bloggy women this weekend.

So, our spa venture just wouldn't seem complete without a nice waxing. I've never waxed anything, unless you count waxing nostalgic or waxing poetic. Or the time I kissed the Turtle Wax boy from the car wash in my wild youth..... Anyway, the very petite Vietnamese lady had me plop my hulking frame down in one of the salon chairs that backs up to a sink so I could lay down and get slathered up in hot wax on my upper lip. The warmth of the honey-like amber wax made me feel all comfortable and cozy until......she let it RIIIIIIIP! Without warning, the lady yanked the gauze off the left side of my mustache. Reacting to the immense pain, I slid down the vinyl chair, all the way to the floor. Did I get any compassion or caring? No. The lady called out in her sing-songey language to all her salon co-horts so they could enjoy the show too. And then she smiled big, and patted the seat as she instructed, "You get back in chair now. Me have one more side to do....."

And now you know why Bertha The Bearded Lady down at the circus was that way- Obviously she had a deep-seated phobia of hair removal products. I'm so never getting waxed again. Do you think Melissa The Mustachioed sounds nice? What about Melissa And Her Malevolent Man Whiskers Of Mayhem?

39 comments:

Nancy Face said...

LOL at the Vietnamese lady telling you what's what! Made my night, hee hee! :D

Gorgeous toesies!

compulsive writer said...

Ask me how much I love your labels.

Ask me how sad I won't get to you and your painted lady toes.

Ask me how much I secretly love the pain of a good waxing--poetic, nostalgic or otherwise.

Here's the magic question: Would you do it all over again?

Melissa said...

I've never waxed anything before... I did try that Nad's stuff (isn't that the worst name in the world...). It pulled two hairs out and a little bit of skin. I bled. And that was the last time I ever did such a thing.
Love the toenail color though :)

Carrot Jello said...

was it a woman, or Tarzan that waxed you?
"You get back in chair now. Me have one more side to do....."

elasticwaistbandlady said...

nancy face- Who knew such rampant and abundant pissiness could come in such a dainty package? Thanks. I'm not really a pink and pretty kind of gal. You should have seen the crap they shaved off my heels. It looked like white chocolate curls when they got done. Okay, that was gross.

compulsive- Me so sad that you're not coming to Annie's on Saturday. I talked to Carrot and she's threatening to hold her breath until you and b. change your minds. Me? I'm going to with hold Twinkie and Nacho intake until you say yes. Don't be cruel, compulsive.....elastic cannot live on fruits and veggies alone!

melissa- I'm a wanton woman in shades of red! Well, the name Nad's is pretty bad, especially if you really like the product and you excitedly cheer "Go Nads!!!"

carrot- You so funny. Well, at least she didn't call in an Ape named Ape to finish the waxing job.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Hey carrot....if you're nice I might even allow you to touch one of my shiny toes on Friday. Or maybe you'll be too busy basking in the shiny hair-free glow of my upper lip.

PJ said...

OUCH!

BarnGoddess said...

waxing- a necessary evil..kinda like Wal-Mart.

when are you going to CO? did I miss something?!?!?

twinkle toes, I like 'em. Your wearing my color and it looks GREAT on you :)

on.the.run said...

Oh the joys of womanhood. I have have my legs, armpits and bikini line waxed a couple of times (right before beach vacations) and it surely is one of the most painful things I have done to myself, it hurt WAY more then any of my tattoos.

Did you love your pedicure, spa pedicures are the best, they massage your legs... try Divine Nails on Spring Cypress, they massage for a long time at a low cost... your going to turn that into something dirty aren't you.

Annie said...

Those toes look good enough to eat!

Still lovin' the playlist.

Tori :) said...

Ow! Ow! Ow! You shouldn't have gotten waxed. Facial hair is cool. Tristan announced to me at the pool- very loudly- "Mom- you have hair on your lip." "Blonde hair doesn't count as hair on my lip." "No there's a black one. Right there!!" Thanks dude.
My toenails are ugly and my big toes need waxed.

sue said...

Found you through Burg. Love the blog, hope you don't mind if I link you?

I've had eyebrows waxed and that's enough to bring me right up out of the chair... I feel for ya, really.

Science Teacher Mommy said...

Never had a wax, although I do have a love for a good pedicure, especially when they have a really good massage chair.

Kimberly said...

I'm still a pedicure virgin.

Some day. Some day.

I pluck my moo-stash. Takes forever and a day, but so much easier to control the pain level. Ugh.

Bee said...

Pedicures OVERRATED!
If not for the fact that I need a sandblaster for my feet, I probably would never go again. I of course am always stuck with the one man who does mani/pedis! This makes it more uncomfortable than going to an ob/gyneee.

Suzanne said...

I've never had a pedicure before. I heard they're fabulous, but I honestly can't justify the money when I can do it (at least somewhat) by myself. Just so you know, I think roses and stink flowers would get along just spledidly! :)

Lei said...

Choking on my diet coke here. You got the toes painted and thought, this ain't so bad and then you let them drip wax on you? Lol! Also very much a non-waxer here.

Love the Birks!!!

Jean Knee said...

still gone but had to drop in while no one's looking. You are brave my friend. I've never been waxed or pedicured, I did get crooked nail tips put on at the beauty college- never again

Did you say gonads? haaa haaa haaa

jams o donnell said...

Damn I keep on not checking that my comments have posted. I don't trade places with you at the spa!

So you are meeting up with other bloggers? I hope you have a nice time. Only two bloggers hyave met me in the flesh (one works at the same office)One regularish commenter has met me. but that is another story!

aubrey said...

oh so sad for you. i LOVE waxing. but i use the hard wax, no gauze stuff involved. i love your toes. i got my pedicure for colorado last saturday. it's going strong...i love how long a pedicure lasts. see you soooooooon.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

What size shoe do you wear? I'm just wondering if you're close to my size. Your toes look amazing. I can't even see your toothpick scar.

I would go and get waxed again, if I could find a place that actually USED gauze. Last time they tried to just rip the strand of wax off while I laid there in great pain trying not to scream. What we won't do to not be hairy.

Chris said...

I love Vietnamese spring rolls, especially if you dip it into its sauce of fish sauce and bloody hot chillies.

Maybe the lady should have slathered some of that sauce on you.

You'd be a nice spring roll with painted-red toesies!!!

[/endofbadness]

on.the.run said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
on.the.run said...

last time I went for a pedicure I went to that Hawaiian Day Spa in by the Kroger on Spring Cypress and they put what I swear was tooth paste on my legs, I don't recommend going there, they are stingy on the the massage. Tooth paste I tell you - tooth paste.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

PJ- In Texas we say Aye! Aye! Aye!

barn goddess- I'm going to talk about the CO, maybe tomorrow if I have time. The sisters Annie and Carronin(Carrie) are throwing a bloggy women brigade party this weekend and were kind enough to invite me along. Yay! I haven't been on vacation for years and after the crap summer I've had with hit and run drivers, broken toes, no A/C/, late paychecks......I can't wait for a few days off from all that!

on the run- My mom has a lady off West Road and Jones that does her hair and pedicures and everything. My mom has white blond hair, I really don't know why she obsesses over her eyebrows and upper lip. Nobody can freakin see them!

annie- They may LOOK good enough to eat, but they certainly don't SMELL good enough!

tori- Good. Now I can win the 'Hawtest Toe Competition' this weekend.

sue- Compliments always welcome here!

blinded me with science!- My toes hurt because I broke a couple last month. So, it wasn't all that relaxing for me.

kimberly- You tweeze your upper lip?!!!?? Masochist!

bee- Yeah, except for the poking, prodding, embarassing questions part.....

suzanne- I bought new deodorant. I'm only a semi-stink flower now.

lei!- I have knock off Birkenstocks, and my mom gave me her real deal ones on Friday. They fit much better than my 5 dollar Wal-Mart ones. I'm going to turn into a Birk snob now. They asked to wax my chin too....but I have my limits.

JEAN KNEE! My favoritest stalker in the whole wide world. The blogs have been a mere shadow of what they once were without you around the past week. I'm so glad that I have those special cramp magnet and bookmark you made me to keep me company.

jams- Ooooh, I'd love to hear that story some time. That isn't your Robyn Hitchcock comrade, is it? Yeah, I'm running behind...I haven't packed and I have to work every day before my flight takes off on Friday. I want to write about it. Maybe tomorrow.

aubrey- Well at least my toes will dazzle you, because the rest of me is plain and frumpy.

millie- I'm a perfect 10!!! Well, in shoes, anyway. The toothpick punctured my foot under the big toe. Thank heavens my one and only deformity is hidden away leaving only the beautiful and perfect traits for others to see. Riiiiiiiight.

chris- She laughed at my pain, chris. LAUGHED! I only allow you to do that to me.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

on the run- Toothpaste?!!!? WTH? At least your gams were sparkly white and minty fresh, though!

PinkPowerSuit said...

I would think you'd START with the chin. Waxing sucks. Did you hear about the woman who almost died from an infection from a Brazilian? But just like you get used to tweezing your eyebrows so that it doesn't hurt at ALL, you'd get used to the waxing pain. Though, because it's not as frequent, it still hurts. The thing that's dumb about women with dark hair (like me) waxing is that you have to let it grow back enough for the wax to grab it a subsequent time. And I'm not letting dark hair grow out on my upper lip for any amount of time. Not one day! And those women who let their eyebrows grow out before they wax them again? The ugliness of that erases all the goodness of having the hair gone. Plucking the upper lip would actually make sense because the hair wouldn't grow back right away and it grows at different rates so it wouldn't take that long. Me? I bleach whilst saving for the laser treatment I'll be getting EVERYWHERE. Heaven knows I need it and it better not be back after the resurrection or someone will have some 'splainin to do!

Elizabeth-W said...

and it better not be back after the resurrection or someone will have some 'splainin to do! Finer points of Mo Doctrine. Love it!!!! I'm also hoping to be about 3 inches taller.

Amanda said...

I only wish that I could be there to see your beautiful toes in person. I'm just sick that I am so close, yet so far away! :(

Sketchy said...

Youch!! The pedicure sounds good, but the waxing? So not good. My mil asked me once if I wanted to come over she and my sil were getting together for a "waxing party". Ummm. No. Thank You for thinking of me, but I'm pleading Norwegian here.

No Cool Story said...

I love it when they say "You get back in chair now".
I just love that :)

Lisa said...

Your toes look great!

Ouch! I have had my upper lip done a few times, but it's not my favorite so I try to tweeze or use the hair removal cream. What we do to look beautiful.

Lia said...

I've never done either, but I think I could handle a pedicure. Waxing, not so much. Not anywhere.

Amber said...

I got my first and only bikini wax a few weeks before getting married. Afterwards, I called my hubby and announced THE WEDDING WAS OFF!!

True story. :-)

Special K ~Toni said...

I am so glad I do not have to get that waxed! Your toes look fabulous! Wasn't it great??

carronin said...

I got my toes done for the first time for my first bloogy meet and greet. It was so great I had them done again a few weeks ago. I can't wait to see those beautiful toes live and in person.

Isaura said...

LOOKS AWESOME!!! I totally feel your pain with the facial hair. have fun in Colorado!

isaura said...

---------giff is like my dad, I've had a stake interview with him before ;) Thats awesome about your baby being baptized on 7/7/7 I do remember that my dad was hurt around that time. It happened when they were in El Paso. I was commenting to Annie that I'm a loser cuz you prob live like ten minutes away and I've never met you, and they have you comin all the way to colorado

SoDak Angel said...

Hilarious.....absolutely hilarious! Can't wait to see your hot little bunny toes.....and Nakiiid lip!