Sunday, August 05, 2007

A Lite Version Of The Smiling Infidel!

Sometimes, when me and my Infidel posse go to the store, we find that the automatic doors won't open no matter how hard we jump up and down on the rubber mats lining the entryway. I always tell my mini-Infidels that it means I'm way too skinny for the automated system to register that I'm standing on it, and that signifies a need for a quadruple banana split...STAT! Yeah, I'm just like the big, bad wolf standing outside the door, stomping vigorously on the mat while bellowing, "Let Me In! Let Me In! Or I'll Huff And I'll Puff..." Well, see, all that physical exertion does make me huff and puff. A lot.

My tribe of mini-Infidels insist that it doesn't, in fact, mean that I'm too divinely petite to trigger the automatic doors. They think it means that the store is actually closed. Such heathen liars! Heathen liars that ain't getting none of my banana split, might I add.

23 comments:

Carol said...

Mmmmmmmm... banana split. I agree with you. You must be too petite! Does this mean you will share your banana split with me?

on.the.run said...

Or it could mean that the door detects people want to come in by a lazer senson over the door and not in the floor... try dodging side to side instead of just up and down (call me before hand so I can come watch.)

Jean Knee said...

Banana split, huhhh. never mix one of the food groups with dessert it might send you into vitamin shock. We had dinner at someone's house last night and there were two, two, two vegetables. we were cautious but I think Lean may have had some of ;each, we are watching her for veg. shock

Also the hostess set out platters of food on the table in a nice arrangement and poor Lean had only done the load your plate at the stove buffet sorta dinner. she didn't know how to pass. should I worry about this?

b. said...

Maybe that store remembers it's sunday. I'd have to pick a different one.

Carrot Jello said...

I'm just going to go over here, and R.O.F.L. silently. Only because I know it bothers you.

elasticwaistbandlady said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
elasticwaistbandlady said...

carol- Absolutely. You can have the bananas.

on the run- How about I just do The Macarena to achieve a wide range of motion?

jean knee- Poor Veggie Tale characters. Y'all folk are eating them up two-by-two.

b.- I know. When I'm running low on Twinkies in my system, I get a little desperate.....Sabbath or not.

carrot- I'm ROFL on the outside but digesting Chicken Nuggets on the inside.

Tori :) said...

Of course it means you're way to skinny! (Will you share your banana split with me??)

Liam's Mom - Gina said...

I had no idea that is why it happens. You are one of those logical thinkers, aren't you?

And for some of us, it surely is a signal that we are complete klutzes because we run into the door thinking it might have opened by now.

(Since I don't have your email, I am responding to your comment here [sorry]. I look forward to seeing your Blog Snob 101 course soon. I SO know what you mean on that. That is why I started a non-Liam blog so I wasn't just blogging recent history. My blog has much shorter posts -- except for the etiquette post, ironically.)

Elizabeth-W said...

I don't like bananas in my hot fudge sundae either.

Isaura said...

what evil little children!!
you must show pappi the video I just posted on my blog. i think he will thouroughly enjoy it, especially cuz he understands espanol!

Kayelyn said...

You are cracking me up. Just when my health gives me a little heck, I pop on over and you cheer me up. Now what say ye we go get that quadruple banana split- sans the bananas with extra caramel?

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

I haven't had a banana split in years. There's been no nutritional value in my sundaes. I'm a loser.

What happened to our playlists?

No Cool Story said...

Maybe it's a conspiracy: The Marie Osmond fans are still after you and they have somehow rigged the doors of your fav establishments to drive you crazy.

Don't let them EWBL!

Bee said...

weirdness! I could have sworn I posted a comment last night but it seems to have gone awol... or I am truly insane!

so what I said was... thank you for the logic in the doors not opening, I guess that means this is why revolving doors refuse to work for me sometimes. I always thought it was due to my booty getting stuck.

Sketchy said...

Ooooohhhhh! Is that why that happens? You are brilliant my friend, brilliant.

Lisa said...

It means time for a banana split for sure! But just make sure to include cookie/candy crumbles and lots and lots of chocolate fudge. And then eat it for breakfast because to me bananas=breakfast.

Suzanne said...

We had banana splits for the first time in years just a couple of weeks ago. Yeah, I'll skip the banana next time! :D

Kimberly said...

All the good comments have been taken. So I'm just going to sit here and smirk and giggle.

Diesel said...

Maybe you're a vampire. I hear those things don't open for vampires.

Welcome to humor-blogs.com!

Melissa said...

ain't getting none... so, you did share after all ;)

aubrey said...

nice. so do any of the ones that you jump up and down on actually open?

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Tori- Not today. I'm more in the mood for a Peanut Buster Parfait. Oooh, look at me rhyme.

gina- I don't mind long posts if they have a freakin point to it. So many just ramble on with no end in sight. Maybe they were like that Allman Brothers song. I Was Born A Ramblin Man/Woman.

elizabeth- Yes, but how do you feel about animal crackers in your soup?

isaura- I can barely get that man to read MY blog. Wait, no, he NEVER reads my blog, only the comments.

kayelynn-Quadruble Banana Splits=Quadruple Bypass!

millie- Do you have nuts? Oh, maybe that was an inappropriate thing to ask. But putting nuts on sundae will give you protein and its on the food pyramid. Our playlist? I think it got abducted by aliens........illegal aliens. I mean, aren't they here taking all our jobs and stuff? I think they took our playlists to transform it into All- Mariachi-All-The-Time. Jokes on them, though, because i like mariachi music.

NCS- Marie fans are 'just a little bit country'. I'm not sure they could handle the high technology.

bee- Well, it could be worse. Ever see Gwyneth Paltrow in Sliding Doors?

sketchy- Brilliant in a good way or mad evil genius scientist way?

lisa- Then you're gonna love those new reeses peanut butter cups with banana chips i;nside. It's what's for breakfast!

suzanne- I don't like the pineapple sauce. I usually ask for double chocolate or strawberry.

kim- I'm sad. :( You didn't mention any snorting or guffawing. I won't rest until you guffaw!

diesel- Are you impugning my feminity and womanhood? That would be Vampira/vampiress to you, buddy! (Thanks for accepting me into your little chanting cult of personality!)

melissa- No, I shared my trick banana split made out of wax.

aubrey- Only if an employee comes out with a key and lets me in. That's happened maybe once.