Tuesday, August 07, 2007

The Ties That Bind.......Are Made Out Of Toilet Paper!

It's a Smiling Infidel Theme Day! Yay! See if you can guess the cleverly hidden main idea that runs through each short paragraph.

My boss had the nerve to give me my paycheck in this pissy little envelope. Third best? Third best??!!!!? Who is he kidding? None of his other employees would have gotten their bruised and battered body out of their completely demolished truck to go finish their route. None of them have gone to work the day before delivering a baby. I'm a distinct cut above the rest of his stable warehouse of manual labor donkeys. So, I waved the envelope in his face while haughtily demanding to know, 'What's The Deal, Yo?' My boss just laughed, until I told him, 'If you don't make me number #1, I'm going to throw my number #2 at you.'
I watched with eyebrow-raised interest as Mini-Infidel Daughter The Second, ironically enough, nicknamed, Monkey, crawled stealthily across the living room carpet on her belly like a jungle predator waiting to pounce. I wondered aloud if she was preparing for a home turf war by practicing some form of 'Guerilla Warfare Technique.' Monkey simply looked at me and grunted. So then, I lept off the sofa and went running all crazy towards her with my fingers extended and wiggling, while frothily yelling, 'Oh yeah? I'm declaring Gorilla Finger (thanks Urban Dictionary!) Warfare on you!' Monkey started screaming and frantically trying to retreat before finally surrendering to me and my imitation Gorilla Fingers. Sweet Gorilla Finger Victory! Perhaps I've stumbled upon a useful weapon to use on the battlefield.
(If I ever chance to meet Naomi Watts or Jessica Lange, I'm going to tell them they smell like Gorilla Fingers!) And finally, amid a chorus of vocal discontent emanating from my girls' room, I peeked in to find them walking in circles around the perimeter of their bedroom. Apparently, they feared that my son, Buster, had taken up permanent residence in the toilet, and they all got struck with poop feeling at the same exact time. Buster instructed the girls through the bathroom door, that the best way to stave off crap cramps is to walk around in circles.....and so they did. Hear the song playing? That's Soul Coughing's song 'Circles.' It goes: "I don't need to walk around in circles, walk around in circles, walk around in circles....." Well, how very nice for him. Apparently, he doesn't have to share his crapper with a gaggle of bloated siblings.

35 comments:

Jean Knee said...

This post is absolute crap!!! Crap I say!! did I guess right???

Stepherz said...

I love poop themed posts. What is it about motherhood that makes you not repulsed by poop anymore and laugh at farts again.

You are a very funny lady! :-)

utmommy said...

Maybe I should tell my kids to walk in circles when they need to go!

Bee said...

walking around in circles, over-rated! I make my husband sit down with his hands under his butt and clenching his cheeks! HeHeHe :o)... don't tell him I told you cuz it'd be divorece for sure. This is private right...?

aubrey said...

walk in circles, huh? this is fabulous advice. thank you so much for sharing the wisdom. or should i thank the buster infidel?

jams o donnell said...

I shudder to think what the girls did to Buster once he got out.,, Hold on flinging number 2s at the boss? isn't it the prerogative of the boss to dump it all over us??

Elizabeth-W said...

Are you related to crap happy mama? I've been wondering for a long time

Lisa said...

In a past home that we lived in, we had 4 bathrooms. We could all "go" at the same time. The family who poops together stays together. Isn't that how the saying goes? Sorry, is that TMI?

Kayelyn said...

My kids laugh at farts and I am laughing at poop! Guess I am not so grown up after all.

Jean Knee said...

you could freeze the gorilla fingers and then you'd have poopsicles. didn't see that one coming huh?

Tori :) said...

Hey- I commented after UtMommy and it disappeared... What did I do wrong???
I said: Crap? Poo? #2?
What do I win?

mcewen said...

Beats hopping up and down like a cartoon!
Cheers

Anonymous said...

Maybe mr.O cannot count. Did you ever consider that?

nikko said...

Walking in circles. Brilliant. I wonder if it works for boys with small small small bladders?

Diesel said...

If you had worked the day you gave birth, maybe you could have moved up to #2.

No Cool Story said...

The circles...they hypnotiizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I'm desperately sick with the flu and coughing up a lung. Meanwhile, I have to go to work right now in projected 95 degree weather and the A/C in my house has crapped out forcing us to buy some ghetto window units so that we don't fall over from heat stroke. But there is a silver lining in all of this.....I've been doing my Kegel exercises, so at least I'm not peeing on myself every time I violently hack. No, I'm just farting.

I'll be around tomorrow to read everyone's blog with the cushy comfort of my new iron lung. Would that make me an Iron Maiden? Or an Iron Butterfly? In-A-Godda-Davida-Baby!

Suzanne said...

Yep, once motherhood came around for me, poop became every day conversation! :D

Chris said...

You should give your the smack boss, Infidel style. Only then shall you have eternal bliss.

Or you could get fired, too, which would be very bad. But, hey, you'll be happier.

Right?

Demosthenes said...

At first I thought it really was going to be a sneakily hid theme. I went through "orange," "words that start with m" and "elephants" before I finally-


-hold on, I have to go the bathroom.

Dan the Echo Boomer said...

I got the Soul Coughing cd a while back for free.

BYU was having some sort of huge discount sale, and the cover was broken for this cd and they gave it to me for free.

i really enjoyed it.

Crap Happy Mama said...

Are you trying to tell us that you've been walking in circles to test out the poop stoppage theory for a long time and you didn't share the knowledge? Being secretive and not sharing. Is that what they're teaching the youth over at BYU. For shame.

Infidel, You made me very happy by blogging about nothing but the crappy. Crap on, Infidel! Crap on!

Tori :) said...

Get better soon!
Thank you for the awesome, awesome mail today!! I really did ROFLMAO. ;)

SoDak Angel said...

AND....it always comes back to poop...always.

Carrot Jello said...

That crap happy mama. She adores you. So do I, but she adores you more.

Jean Knee said...

so sorry to correct you carrot, I love the infidel the most, remember all that stalking?

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

"Gorilla fingers" is the new phrase here at Casa de Brinatty. I hope you're happy.

No one loves EWL more than me.

Radioactive Jam said...

A truly inspirational yet craptastic post.

3rd best. Ha! It is to laugh. Despite your postal mastery of #2, you are most definitely #1.

Melissa said...

Feelin better yet? Oh, and the music startled me again today. Do you get joy out of that? Just wondering...

Special K ~Toni said...

Getting past the poop theme, I want to spend an afternoon at your house. I will have to remember to bring my depends, as I am sure I will be laughing so hard I pee all over myself!

Sketchy said...

Offhanded I'm guessing this is some sort of coded message referring to the infidel gorilla rage underground movement about to try and take over all the best hotel rooms and donut shops in Hawaii.

Either that or poop.

Mrs. Crybaby Jones said...

::: running in the room :::

POOOOOOP!!!!

::: running back out :::

Tori :) said...

This is a bite late, but I was thinking- your boss sucks. That is LAME. THIRD best carrier?!? Let's crap on his house "Can't Buy Me Love" style.

aubrey said...

yucky. i hope you're feeling better! sending you a hug through el blogosphero.

aubrey said...

HEY. what the heck do i need to do to get a linky? dan the man got a link and i still don't have a link. you can even label it auDrey if you like. or don't. ya know. whatever. over here moping. and sulking. sniff.