Thursday, September 06, 2007

The Three Saddlebag Cinch-Keteers.........Coming To A City Near you!

Here's a picture of Carrot and me playing a nice game of Monkey Millie In The Middle!
I'll never forget a particularly depressing time during my teen years that my mom and I had no place to go for Thanksgiving dinner. Feeling sorry for ourselves, we split an entire pumpkin pie topped with an entire tub of Cool Whip, as we pitifully flopped down in the living room to watch TV. We didn't have the luxury of cable, and the only programming available on Thanksgiving aside from a glut of cheesy infomercials was Good Morning Houston-a show we mocked often. So, we resignedly tuned into Good Morning Houston while devouring our pie as they ran an irritating exercise segment featuring their 50 year old perennially perky co-host who, despite her age, insisted on wearing one of those leotards that ride up the rear and look like dental floss stringing through your heiny. Little Miss Old Solid Gold led her neon Spandex Squadron in an exercise called 'The Saddlebag Cinch,' as she demonstrated how you loosen-tighten-and loosen again your butt cheeks to firm them up. Then she chirpily declared "You can do 'The Saddlebag Cinch' anywhere. While waiting in line at the grocery store, while driving around in your car, you can even do it while on TV. Look at me.......I'm doing it right now!"

That was too much. My mom and I spit pumpkin pie everywhere as we exploded in laughter. Every since then, I'll occasionally blurt out to my mom......."'The Saddlebag Cinch?' I'm doing it RIGHT NOW!"

While squished together like Siamese triplets with
Millie and Carrot in the backseat of Tori's car, I casually mentioned to Millie, "Hey Millie! I'm doing 'The Saddlebag Cinch.'" I never expected her to even know what I was talking about until she started giggling and said, "'The Saddlebag Cinch?' I'm doing it right now TOO!!!!" You know what? She really was! I felt her muscles tighten up and that sent us all into an uncontrollable bout of snorting from laughing so hard. It was like that Chris DeBurgh song, "Lady In Pink, is saddlebag cinching with me........ Cheek-To-Cheek!"

Now you know. Not only did I bond with my bloggy friends- I also did 'The Saddlebag Cinch' with them. 'The Saddlebag Cinch,' you say? Why, I'm doing it right now!!!!

50 comments:

BarnGoddess said...

omg, that is a funny story!!

I havent had a chance to bond with any of my blogging friends. If I ever get the chance, I am certainly gonna think about you guys doing the saddle bag cinch.

that is a great photo btw :)

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I'm laughing right now too, because the Saddlebag Cinch moment happened at the exact time that our friend, Suzanne, snapped this picture. So now you know what was going on with both sets of our cheeks in this picture.

Loosen-Tighten-Loosen-Tighten

Syar said...

The wonders of TV aerobics. I'm attempting the Saddlebag Cinch but can't tell if I'm doing it right, haha.

glittersmama said...

Maybe the next time you and Millie are together you could put together an instructional video on the Saddlebag Cinch. Then we could all be doing it right now!

Stacey said...

Too funny!!

I'm cinching just for you Elastic...and I look so hot in my bright pink leotard.

Bee said...

Ha! That reminds of the "Keegle" exercise!
Can I say that on your blog? I'm asking because I've noticed this blog is pure and angelic...
If I can't, hopefully you'll delete me... uh the comment not me myself because then what would my husband do?

Nancy Face said...

Such a hilarious story, haha! :D
I'm ashamed to admit that I do the Saddlebag Cinch every day...pathetic.

Lisa said...

I try to Cinch while I walk each morning. But sometimes I forget..

Great story!!

Lisa said...

By the way, I just saw my name on your side bar...thanks Elastic!! I'm honored to be there since nothing compares to your creativity. Nothing!

Amanda said...

The saddlebag cinch! You just had to go and rub it in even more that I wasn't there to share in such great moments. Hmpf! [folds her arms in a huff while doing the saddlebag cinch]

Melissa said...

So funny!! If I say that it made me laugh out loud, will you hate me forever? Cause it did... really... :)

aubrey said...

i'm doing it RIGHT NOW. gotta keep those buns tight!

Annie said...

The Saddlebag Cinch is one of the many Hot Fruita Moms Not-so-secret Hotness Secrets! You have to keep that buhdonkeydonk high-falutin' and salutin'!

Jean Knee said...

my butt's saggy but my forehead is high......

sue said...

Okay, that's it. You're having WAAAYYY too much fun.

Tori :) said...

I saddlebag cinch when I'm stopped at a redlite. You can't tell that by looking at my, er, saddlebag, but I do.

Special K ~Toni said...

ME TOO!



~don't want to feel left out- so we shall tone our saddlebags together!

Radioactive Jam said...

But... (no pun intended) why isn't it called the Saddlebag Clinch, or even the Saddlebag Clench?

There's so much I don't understand about Life.

Kimberly said...

Okay, this song? My new theme song. So needed to hear it today!

Geosomin said...

"I'm doing it right now..."

I just giggled and spit my coffee out all over my screen...

You're cool :)

b. said...

Ohhh....I thought you were talking about purses.

I looooove this song.

carronin said...

Saddlebag Cinch... I do it all the time i just didn't know the name of it until now. Thanks for enlighting me once again Elastic you're the best.

Diesel said...

Very funny.

The big girls in that video are kind of hot. Don't tell anyone.

shay said...

I dieing! The Saddlebag cinch?! Really? Awesome.
And I love this song you have going on right now about the Big girls. What a great song!!!! Now if that guy could just put on a couple of pounds lol.

Suzanne said...

Look look! My hand is in that picture! :) I was not doing the Saddlebag Cinch, though. Next time I won't miss out! :D

Kayelyn said...

Well, I am doing it now. I do it at night when I am laying in bed trying to go to sleep. Now I can tell my husband that I am doing the saddlebag cinch and not butt clenching.


Bawawawawa

Yvonne said...

That's too funny. All this time I didn't have a clue that's what it was called.

Stacey said...

So my MIL asked me to pose for her art class tonight. I was sitting there looking beautiful and focusing on my focal point when what should happen? I start thinking of this post and "I'm doing it right now!" pops in my head. I had to try with all my might to hold in my giggles. I think I might have sprained something.

No Cool Story said...

That is such a hawt picture.
Am I the only one who continues to cover everyone's secrety faces? Man, I'm so lame :(

Anyway, back to you post. I'm doing it too. Because I don't want to be left out.

omar said...

Squeeze... release. Squeeze... release. Squeeze... release. Squeeze... ... ... ... ... (feeling the burn) ... ... ... release.

Sketchy said...

Cheek to cheek....

Oh good gravy that's funny!

Amber said...

Wow, I can almost feeeeel the flexage!

Elizabeth-W said...

Okay, now where is my saddle bag exactly? Is it the outside of my thigh? Like the part of my bum that hangs over the sides of a too-small chair? I think I'm doing it wrong. I think I'm just kegel-ing.

jams o donnell said...

I come here, I learn! I had never heard of the saddlebag cinch before. I must work it into my next conversation!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Syar- Look for the most anal person you know. It's likely they've mastered the fine art of squeezing their butt cheeks together firmly.

glittersmama- My cheeks are notoriously camera shy. Millie, on the other hand, well, she was an extra in the video for that song, 'Shake Your Booty.'

stacey- You're doing great....Three more.....Two More....One More... Shake it out, two, three, four.

Bee- You said Kegel on my blog? The outrage! I'm a failed student of Kegel-ology. I still pee my pants if I laugh, sneeze, or cough too hard.

nancy- There's no shame in having firm buttocks.

lisa- Well, you can Saddlebag Cinch to lose a booty inch while simultaneously doing the 'We Must We Must We Must Increase Our Bust' exercise. Multi-task exercising.

amanda- See above comment. That's the spirit, sister! Increase here, decrease there!

melissa- We here at The Smiling Infidel compliment your acronym restraint. LOL!

aubrey- I wish hot dog buns came with the same degree of care that we show our own buns. They always fall apart at the worst moment leaving a big mess. My own buns used to do that too. But now The Saddlebag Cinch keeps those firmly together in times of trouble.

annie- I happen to know that you are the envy of the Fruita Honky-Tonk Buhdonkeydonk!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

jean knee- Your foreheads high??!!!? Again? I told you to send it to rehab. You are a high forehead enabler, jean knee. Yes, you are.

sue- Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.....while Saddlebag CInching.

tori- Sometime's I get lazy and I just twitch the cheeks vigorously instead of the proven method. I was a Saddlebag Cinch Academy Dropout. :(

TONI- Sometimes I question your committment to all that is The Saddlebag Cinch Movement. I'm glad to see that you're one of us after all. I need to call back the Saddlebag Gestapo on their way to your house to re-educate you now.

jam- Oh, believe me, there have been moments of extreme Saddlebag Clenching on my part. That's an exercise all in itself usually accompanied with running.....to the nearest facility.

kimberly- KIM GIRL- You Are Beautiful! I call you KIM GIRL, cause I can't call you BIG GIRL anymore, now can I?

geosomin- Spitting is not a part of The Saddlebag CInch exercise. Weren't you paying attention? You do want to win your Master Level Saddlebag Cinch Belt, don't you? It's white and sequined. Like a glamour EMO look. Ooooh, purdy.

b.- I know, right. Mika understands me so well. Well, I've heard of cavity searches, so I suppose you CAN carry things around in your Saddlebag.....but I wouldn't recommend it.

carronin- Enlightenment? Me? I'll have you know that I've never once highlighted my hair. Glad to know you're part of the Saddlebag Sisterhood! Together we're working towards a future free of butt-girdles.

diesel- He got the best of the best of the big girls......by offering them a lifetime supply of Twinkies. I'm just sad that he didn't ask me. Apparently, he's prejudiced and doesn't want HAIRY BIG GIRLS. Notice he didn't sing to my demographic....'Hairy Big Girls You Are Beautiful.'

wynne said...

I can do the saddlebag jiggle. Watch this! (Wait--no, don't.)

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Shay- Big Girls love Mika, but Mika is gay-sad to say. I'd still have him over for a fattening evening of home cooking, though, Gravy for everyone! A double dose for our friend, Mika. Yay!

suzanne- It looks like you were reaching back with your hand to slap some sense into our Saddlebagging selves. Yes, be a follower, suzanne. DO the Saddlebag Cinch with us.

kayelynn- If your husband is ever to achieve his Chippendale Dancer dreams, he should be flexing and cinching up his booty, too. 'Getting JIGGLY With It' don't bring in the dollar bills.

yvonne- Are you a closet Saddlebag CIncher? *gasp!* Are you revealing your true Saddlebag Cincher Self to the world? The truth shall set you free, Sister Yvonne.

stacey- I'm envisioning a whole line of special artistic masterpieces featuring various Saddlebag Cinch poses. I should get a percentage of the commission for this kind of brilliance.

NCS- I got special Millie permission and Carrot used this picture on her own blog. See how she swirled out my gorilla arms and made them have that Just Nair-waxed look?

Omar- Feeling the burn? I'm awarding you the Saddlebag Cinch trophy for your efforts! Yay Omar!

sketchy- Are you trying to tell me that you've known Millie for 25 years and never Saddlebag Cinched with her? The outrage! Now, I feel like I'm part of a special special little group.

amber- Ummmm, Amber, this is not a Divinyls moment. You're not supposed to be FEEEELLLIIINNG anything. This is a strictly hands-off exercise!

elizabeth- It's all in the cheeks. Pretend you're having an Immodium AD moment. Yeah, learning to firm will buy you a few extra minutes to make it to the toilet on time in case of extreme emergency. Perhaps, you should let your sister in on it too......

jams- I caution you as to what kind of people you broach this topic with. Do it at the nearest Pub and they'll kick you next door to the Chartreuse Moose Gay Disco Club.

KatieBug said...

That is greatness! Thanks for visting my blog. We don't live in Houston so we probably don't know each other but I could always use a new home schooling blog friend! Excpecially one who can teach me to have a firm bum. :)

Rhonda said...

Ok, I can't focus on the rest of your story until I remember who the chick was on Good Morning Houston! She looked like Jan Carson a little, right? I remember Don Nelson....ugh, this will bug me all weekend.

Lauren said...

It's true...I do the saddle bag cinch and I HATE it!! Elastic...you are my hero. Honestly. You bring laughter and joy to the world.

b. said...

Mika reminds me of Robbie Benson, only cuter and gayer.
I come and hang out just to hear the song...love it! Who has that much fun with skinny girls?

Jennifer B. said...

Oh, Elastic you are so cheeky! Thanks for the laugh.

(See, I'm still alive. Wait. Jennifer who?)

PJ said...

Now that is a bonding moment!

Jean Knee said...

you're cheeky, heeee heeeeheee heee

Dapoppins said...

You are very funny. I love the video on the side...where can I get one of those blue outfits? I haven't actually read your blog, everytime I try a kid comes into my lap and I can't see a thing through the round head. But you know Millie...and your blog looks very funny.

Carrot Jello said...

*sigh*
Elastic!
Elastic!
Elastic!
Oh wait, this is your blog. Nevermind.

Wait, this song is called "Big Girls" and you show a picture of me? What's THAT all about?

Anna Maria Junus said...

Just reading about it makes me do it.

I can't stop myself!

Blackeyedsue said...

Are you kidding me?!?!?! I just saw the ever elusive Millie! The second coming must be near!

And I have you to thank for those little drops of water that are all over my screen when I spit water through my nose.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

Did Annie actually use the word "buhdonkeydonk" in a Saddlebag Cinch post?

Wow, I feel dizzy.