Sunday, September 02, 2007

Just Your Typical, Everyday, Ordinary, Run-Of-The-Mill Garden Variety Needles...


Occasionally I do enjoy a good poke......just not from needles. I'm ashamed to admit that I've engaged in conduct most unbecoming for a self-proclaimed ardent conservative. You see, my neighbor and I have established an impromptu Needle Exchange Program right in the heart of our blissfully serene H-town suburb.

People outside our fair city can't begin to fathom the extent of our needle problems here. We constantly find unsightly piles of the filthy things all over our yards, driveways, and curbs. They're sharp little suckers too-thus preventing us from walking around outside barefoot. Gradually, I began to notice my neighbor slyly moving the dirty needles off his lawn and onto mine. Well, I'd return the favor with a blow job from our leaf blower. Heavens no, did you really expect me to touch needles with my delicate Infidel hands? And so, the silent, ritualistic Dance Of The Needle Exchange has continued over the past few years, ebbing and flowing with the bounty of discarded..........









PINE needles from our yards. Crap. Cleaning up the endless stacks of fallen pine needles is such a gigantic pain in the patootie. It's like a freakin Pine-Needle-Palooza around here! I always love it when my inconsiderate neighbor negligently forces me to scoop up all his tree debris too. I'm a very mature adult role model to my children for saying, "Oh yeah? Oh yeah??!!!!? Well, TWO can play that game, buddy!" while chucking his crusty pine needles back at him along with a few of my own. Instead of pining away about the situation, maybe I should just ruthlessly needle him about his errant behavior?

32 comments:

Nancy Face said...

The infidel genius has done it again! I was just wondering how I'd survive Fast Day, and then you provided such deliciously hilarious "food for thought!" Yay for needle wars! :D

Nancy Face said...

And I was first, yippee! :D

Stacey said...

A needle exchange store?! Why,it's like my birthday all over again!

*dramatic voice over* In a world where pine needles are invading our yards,one woman has the courage to take a stand...and move them all back to her neighbor's yard. She's mad and she's not going to take it anymore!

..besides he started it.

Bee said...

Oh. My. Lanta! You had me going! I was sitting infront of my computer screen in all my pijama gloring thinking you were up to the neck in junkies down there! :o)
Too funny!

Bee said...

Uh... never mind why I'm still in my PJs at a quarter past noon!

Bee said...

YOU HAVE MANA! NOW YOU ARE MY FAVORITE BLOGGER!!!

"pero tu ya tiens otro! un tipo frio y aburrido..."

jams o donnell said...

I'll happily swap you some pine needles for a load of golden rain tree leaves!

Tori :) said...

Oh Elastic, you had me so confused and concerned up until the last paragraph!!
We used to have a ginormous weeping willow and it's leaves covered our whole cul-de-sac. Sei was nice. He's blow them and vacuum them right up out of everyone's yard. He's way nicer than me...

Kayelyn said...

I do so love and enjoy your punny posts. I keep thinking to myself, "why can't i be punny like Infidel and make others laugh their patootie off!"

omar said...

What was your blog rating before? PG-13? Because I think you're approaching an R rating, after this one!

Jean Knee said...

yes, I knew exactly what you meant when you said you gave the neighbor a blow job.....

but then again my thoughts are chaste like that

Amanda said...

Hahahaha! You had me going you bad little infidel! We have one pine tree in our yard and I hate it. The other day while mowing the lawn it reached out and stabbed me. Ouch!

Annie said...

I love neighborhood wars. I like to play them silently and passively.

Elizabeth-W said...

A Poke? A BJ?!!!
This is more of a Saturday night post than a Sunday AM one! :) You Are BAD!
(and yet I keep coming back for more--just like a junkie who needs a fix)

Carrot Jello said...

You are so clever I don't even know what to say to this.
Elastic has done it again folks!
Yes she has.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

Wow, if that wasn't the most casual use of the phrase "blow job" I've ever seen... baby, I'm amazed. I'm just plain shocked.

You have my undying admiration.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

P.S. I'm a cowboy. On a steel horse I ride. I'm wanted...(wanted)... dead or alive.

No Cool Story said...

Needle exchange? :P ew ew ew ew ewww.
Leaf blowers? Pine needles.
I agree with Carrot :D

PS: But ohh oh your city lies in dust, my friend
ohh oh your city lies in dust, my friend
your city lies in dust...

Diesel said...

Be thankful for the needles. All I get from my neighbors is dust.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Nancy Face- Make that the Infidel evil genius! I wrote this before church to get all the naughtiness out of my system before having to sit reverently for 3 hours.

stacey- I'm looking for a cheap pin supplier so I can keep my neighbor on needles and pins.

BEE- I got me a sexy-Mexi husband at my side.....and a sexy-Mexi band singing in my ears. What more could an Infidel want? By the way, I also lurve me some Aleks Syntek, Belanova, and Juanes. Favorite Mana songs: Estoy Agotado, Como Te Deseo, Oye Mi Amor(duh!), Hechicera, and Angel De Amor. I HATE HATE HATE Mariposa Traccionera, though. The song is yucky and the video even yuckier. We have DO have junkies around my house.....Twinkie Junkies!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

jams- Golden Rain Trees come from Golden Showers!

Tori- So you're either saying that Sei blows.....or he gives complimentary blow jobs?

kayelynn- With much Cheeky Power comes much Cheeky Responsibility. You don't know how hard it is to be me during times when I'm supposed to be reverent and soak up quiet reflection. It's very difficult.....

omar- I won't rest until I get an X....no, make that a double XX. I'll serve non-alcoholic Dos Equis XX beer to celebrate that victory!

jean knee- Can your chaste mind handle me telling you the details of my bush trimming last week?

amanda- Thanks to us not having winters here, we get pine needle droppings all year long. They really do hurt when you step on them, too.

annie- Somebody threw our dog's poop into the neighbor's yard. the ones that won't keep their Pit Bull's constant yapping quiet at night. I don't know who could possibly do something so outrageous.....

elizabeth- You're a junkie looking for a fix? This blog is BYON....Bring Your Own Needles.

carrot- you say it best when you say nothing at all. I love you even more when I leave you speechless, carrot. Yes, I really do.

millie- I throw in salty double entendres just to see if people are paying attention or just glossing over my masterful writing. I'm glad to mark in my records that Millie Chicken reads my posts word for word! You get a Bon Jovi CD for for your support. Everyone needs extra coasters for their table, right?

NCS- They don't sing em anymore like Grandma Siouxsie and her pack of Banshees used to, do they?

Diesel- I'm only thankful for my neighbor on days when he decides to actually cover up his middle- age, saggy man-boobs with a shirt. Sadly, those days are too few and far between.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

::lifting eyebrows at your comment to Jams::

Sounds like it's time for your weekly brainwashing again, Elastic. :)

Lisa said...

Oh yeah?!! I love it!

When we lived in GA, we paid good money to have those needles brought to our yard. They use them as flower bed covering because they want to! So gather away and start selling the stuff. It's worth a fortune in some parts of the country.

Blackeyedsue said...

A woman after my own heart. When our neighbors dog was pooping all over our yard, we scooped it all and put it in a nice pile in the middle of his front porch and then doorbell ditched.

Won't you be my neighbor?

Carrot Jello said...

Awww...you put songs I recognize on your playlist. You did that for me, didn't you? Didn't you??

Anna Maria Junus said...

Okay, you had me going.

One day someone is going to snap your elastic waistband.

Lei said...

Oh how I remember what fun it was to clean that crap up. Lol! It was a punishment in our house!!!

compulsive writer said...

You are seriously such a big tease.

I have a neighbor who gets offended when her next door-neighbor's leaves blow onto her yard. Gimme a break!

nikko said...

I'll admit I'm gullible. You really had me going with the photo. I thought "this can't be real!".

So glad I don't have a pine tree...

aubrey said...

all i can say is thank goodness for landscapers. we used to do the landscaping at our complex but it sucked so bad with the TEN pine trees circling our property that we quit. there was just no getting rid of the needles. but now we don't worry about it. hmm..now that probably didn't make you feel any better. all i say is keep up the needle war with your neighbor. it will probably never end.

Kimberly said...

Bwahahahah!

Lauren said...

HAHAHA!!! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! You are so silly!

PS...the comment about Chillaxin' is the best one I have ever received.