Monday, November 05, 2007

Wanted: Biker Gangs That Can Cut, Punch, Slice, And Coordinate Pretty Colors

There's something so dark and so sinister going down within the secretive inner sanctum of this country's toughest biker bars that not even the mainstream press has enough cojones to bring you the shocking story. Nay, only your hardcore Smiling Infidel reporter can rub whiskery-beard hair with the outlaw fringes of society to report on this hidden world. And no, I don't really have cojones.

Flush along the rear wall of the proto-typical biker hangout.....back behind the obligatory pool tables and pulsing, neon beer signs lies a room used for the most ritualistic of purposes. The biker gang gathers there every fortnight to carry forth with what has become a standing tradition that furthers their bond of brotherhood and unites them with its very secrecy........they scrapbook feverishly until they can scrapbook no more.
After a long day of looting, raping, pillaging, and plundering, its nice to have a shared hobby in common, don't you think? I mean, why else would the scrapbooking industry have tapped into this niche market by producing a Harley-Davidson scrapbook kit and line of bad ash, scrappy accoutrements? Blowing money on strong booze, vulgar tattoos, and skeezy women is so old school. These biker dudes choose to invest in something that can commemorate their good times on acid-free paper to last the eternities. Ooops, hope the District Attorney doesn't subpoena these scrappin labor-of-loves. Pages titled "My First Liquor Store Hold-Up!" or "Hangin With My Hells Angels Homies!" might be fairly incriminating in a court of law.

Don't dare mock these studded, leather-clad masters of the decorative pom-pom borders because they're armed and dangerous with a wide assortment of serrated-edge scrapbooking scissors and rotary cutters and they're not afraid to slice you up like the orange-flamed paper used for their super special 'Grease Pit Maul And Ball Dance 2006' page, beyotch.

What happens in the scrapbooking room, stays in the scrapbooking room.

Here's a close up of even more Harley scrapbooking gear:

Born To Be Mild

I Beat The Tar Out Of My Old Lady--Well In Scrapbooking Anyway

41 comments:

Elizabeth-W said...

Where do you find these things??? Creepy Santa heads, Horror Christmas stockings.....I think if I were to come visit you, you could do a touristy tour unlike anyone else.

Stacey said...

Well you know,scrapbooking bikers deserve to re-live their memories too.

Bee said...

I'm glad you didn't post the second page to the Bikers Most Wanted Poster! It would have been pretty embarasing to have to explain my past misdeeds to all of y'all!

Having said that, we tough guys have a little heart to ya know!

Oh wait I think that is me!
The first one on the last row!
Look away!

**click from home**

BarnGoddess said...

omg!

Bikers rock!

No Cool Story said...

I had to see that poster bigger, it's hilarous: check out Bridget "Scary Movie". YIKES!!!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I can do you one better NCS.

These are the baddest boys on the road.
Hauling Azz And Burning Rubber With Brother Jebediah!

No Cool Story said...

HAHAHAHAHA! You win my dear.
:D

b. said...

I always thought Hell was not just for angels and bikers, but for scrapbookers too.

Kayelyn said...

Scrapping booking bikers? Who knew? I thought they just did all that other stuff.

SoDak Angel said...

And this my friend is simply another reason I do not crap-book...I mean scrapbook.

glittersmama said...

oh wow. I'm amazed that there is a demand for all of that stuff. I wonder where they keep all of their scrapbook stuff when they're on the road.

Nancy Face said...

Hey, I HAVE that stuff...seriously! My son went to a Harley Davidson-themed high school dance, and I have it all documented on the orange flamed paper! I just didn't know I could have joined the bikers, armed with my rotary cutter and sticky squares! Bummer...I feel so left out.

Jean Knee said...

I've seen that Harley scrap booking stuff and yet I never thought about who might be purchasing it and for what purpose.

Did they slap your mass when you guys bonded? good times

Jean Knee said...

when is Melody arriving? I have her room all ready

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

You are my hero. I worship you. Nay, only your hardcore Smiling Infidel reporter can rub whiskery-beard hair with the outlaw fringes of society to report on this hidden world was particularly inspiring.

The guy on the bottom left looks like Rick James. He's super-freaky... yow!!

Melissa said...

I'm amazed at your talent for locating odd things and then turning them into fabulous blog posts :)

Annie said...

Yeah, what everyone else said, times two!

It's like I always say; the only reason I scrapbook is so that when my kids grow up and say they had a crappy childhood, I can chuck their scrapbbook at them and say, "The heck you did!"

Suzanne said...

LOL!!! Elastic, you are so clever and never cease to make me smile!

Oh, and you'd better not have cojones or you'll have some splainin' to do!!! :D

Suzanne said...

Yes Annie! That is why I scrapbook too! Proof! :D

Bee said...

::sigh:: I wish I had a cool nickname like theirs!

Maybe something like "Bazooka Bee" she loved her bubble gum!

Yeah, I like that!

**click from work**

on.the.run said...

What I want know is where was that kit when I was scrapbooking?

nikko said...

Oh my.

I'll have to show my SIL this. She's a Harley fanatic (but has never actually ridden on one -- I guess that part's not important.)

Bee said...

Bazooka Bee reporting for home clicking!

Sketchy said...

"What happens in the scrapbooking room, stays in the scrapbooking room"

Amen sista

Physcokity said...

hahahahahaha

GM- they probably leave their scrapbooks wherever they dang well please b/c no one in their right mind would dare touch it!

Lisa said...

Just wanted to say good luck on the interview this week. I hope it goes well! :-)

Jean Knee said...

elastic, I don't mean to cause trouble but that lettuce lady is trying to lure me away from you. Are you gonna just stand there and let this happen?

jams o donnell said...

What wonderful momentoes. SOmething to show their grandkids (wow grandpa, you wasted how many cops?). Perhaps it is no suprise that they would scrapbook. It is a closely guarded secret that proficiency in macrame is a prerequisite of entry to the Hells Angels!

Jean Knee said...

see, that iceberg girl just has some kind of vegetable magnetism that keeps me clicking over there

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Don't mind her.....she has this weird split personality. She channels the spirit of an ancient Kale that was eaten by Alexander The Great centuries ago. Yeah, like I said.....cuckoo!

See, I'm loyal to my favorite stalkers Bee and Jean Knee. Unlike that Arugula chick.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I'm going on like 2 hours sleep and I'm taking my oldest to her Talent Show thingie at the church where her and her firends are doing the Apache. Yeah, I stayed up late slicing and dicing T-shirts so they could bead them up. If my baby girl were white, she'd make a white trash mama proud. :)

Amber said...

Sad, sad, sad. Biker dudes actually surpassing my scapbooking abilities?

Bee said...

Well make sure you stand up and shake it! Uh... that's if there's music cuz otherwise you might look silly--er. ;op

clicks from work and home!

carronin said...

What's next? A Emo scrapbooking kit, which includes a skull and bones paper punch.

Annie said...

"Nobody told me this would happen."

Johnna said...

you have the best eye for these things--you crack me up.

when I think of the overlapping circles of Harley Davidson owners--the demographic seems mostly to be wealthy people and bikers--I'm still not sure where the scrapbooking fits in. Maybe its for their mothers?

aubrey said...

what? hey. i commented. a long time ago. where is my comment? hello? comment? where are you!?

aubrey said...

there, proof that that one is there.

aubrey said...

and that one.

aubrey said...

you are freakin awesome for sending me more good mail!! how lucky can i be that i get not one, but TWO good mail from you in ONE week?! spectacularly amazing. i WAS a sucka and was totally expecting some cash-ola in that envelope. *sniff*

elasticwaistbandlady said...

AUBREY!!!! I neglected to put the stamp on your TRICK ebvelope and the the meanies at the Post Office decided not to TREAT me to sending free mail.

So you got your TRICK after the TREAT. SURPRISE!!!