Monday, November 26, 2007

Seasons Don't Fear The Reaper......And Neither Do Pineapple!

Our cashier at the grocery store trembled in fear the exact moment we placed our two ripened pineapples up on the conveyor belt for purchase.

Yeah, pineapples. The petite young cashier began to shakily tell us in a quavering voice, "I've always been deathly afraid of pineapples. Please will you scan and bag them for me? I'm too scared to even touch them." The Infidel daughters complied and we even managed to refrain from mocking her.....until we got outside the store anyway.

How sheltered a life must you lead where your greatest fear lies in the form of a spiny fruit that can transform into a fun and exotic tropical drink container? I'm not completely devoid of compassion. I mentally calculated how many missed opportunities and travails this young lady will have to endure until she conquers her irrational Fruitaphobia.
1. She can never marry Spongebob because his lovely 'Pineapple-Under-The-Sea' abode would be akin to living in a House Of Horrors for her.
2. Rachael Ray won't hire her as a Cooking Assistant once she fails the "Works Well With Pineapples" portion of the requisite psychological exam. Rachael is not taking any chances on the possibility of a Pineapple Upside Down Cake demonstration freakout.
3. The Fruit Of The Loom guys make her public enemy number one in a show of unity and support for their pineapple brethren.
4. Carmen Miranda is called in as her therapist as she specializes in Pineapple Phobias.
5. She auditions for the Black Lace Agadoo World Reunion Tour and gets in a panic attack when she sees the dancing pineapple. (You HAVE to watch this video. Soooooo amusing.)
6. She will never capture the pineapple crown and title as the reigning Little Miss Pineapple Queen. Never! How very sad for her.

The incident happened a few months ago but when I saw pineapples on special at the store this week I couldn't help but think of her and the inevitable horror every enthusiastic pineapple-buying customer will bring. The cruelly uncharitable side of me would like to lock her and the peach-phobia man up together in the produce section for an hour just to see what happens.

33 comments:

glittersmama said...

Really? Scared of pineapples? Wow. I wonder if it's some unfounded fear or if she had a run-in with a pineapple in a dark alley somewhere.

Tori :) said...

Pineapples, huh? That's a little weird. It's not like you were buying a huge, hairy tarantula or something. I would have made you scan and bag that for me.

Jean Knee said...

do you think those magoo guys got a dicount on their show pants down at the leather loft?

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

"Fruitier than an Elton John Fruit Salad" cracked me up. This girl needs pineapple therapy. She should be transferred to produce and compensated for her work-induced pscyhosis.

Love the Journey song! Hooray for Mullet Monday! If only I hadn't just had my mullet cut off Saturday. Kept the unibrow, though.

Carrot Jello said...

Does the Maury show pay its guests?
Because I could be scared of grapes or something for the right price.

Bee said...

Well, at least she doesn’t live in Hawaii where the pineapples fall from the sky landing on unsuspecting passersby. At least that’s my fantasy of Hawaii, that and the cabana guy I’ll hire to clean out my pool once I move there.


Work click from this chick.

PJ said...

Throw her a life savor! They don't have the pineapple flavor anymore. That is strange, very strange.

jams o donnell said...

Perhaps the fruit of their union would be a girl called cherry.

Seriously I wouldn't wish a phobia on anyoe, no matter how bizarre

Tamra Norton said...

Maurey is really stooping. Poor peach guy! Somebody dish the kid up some cobbler--he'll change his mind.

And pineapple--it's changed the way I eat pizza forever!

Amanda said...

How could you be afraid of pineapple, or peaches?!? Very, very strange. That was nice of you to refrain from making fun of her untial AFTER you left the store! :)

I like carrot's way of thinking! I could be afraid of anything too if they paid me enough!

aubrey said...

yum. pineapple lifesavers. so WHY in the world would she work at a GROCERY store if she has such a phobia. don't you think that is just a little bit odd? maybe she says that about everything, just so she doesn't have to bag the groceries. "i have a horrible fear of canned peas, would you please scan and bag those for me...and the milk...and the eggs...?"

Carol said...

Pineapple fear is pretty bad for someone who works in a grocery store. She must be stressed out each day she goes to work!

I have a coworker who has an unnatural fear of large white statues. Fortunately she doesn't run across these on a daily basis. However any driving trip from Houston to Dallas brings on crying fits near the very large white Sam Houston statue!

For everyone who isn't from Texas: www.samhoustonstatue.org

No Cool Story said...

Whenever my boyfriend Joel shows me those Maury videos I have to call "shenanigans!".
No way, if you are deadly afraid of peaches or pineapples you know that going to that show will get you up close and in yo' face with them.

I'm only afraid of zombie flies. You don't see many of those thank goodness.

omar said...

I wonder if that dude would be willing to pay me to be his peach body guard. Like, I'd make sure that no peach (or picture of a peach) came within a certain distance of him. Because can you imagine how much blog fodder I'd get from a job like that? Endless supply.

Rhonda said...

I can see being scared of a hairy coconut...or maybe a pomegranate, because they leave your fingers all red...but pineapples seem pretty harmless.

Elizabeth-W said...

Rhonda...Ha Ha!!! Right, or an orange because you worry about choking and dying on a stray seed or something...
Elastic, if I were you I'd try to go through her line again and see how she does with a can of pineapple. As in...does even the picture on the can get her all worked up? If not...well, maybe she's making good progress in therapy.

Jean Knee said...

I see people aren't understanding the pineapple phobia at all. Consider this, it would be terrifying if someone rubbed you with a pineapple, have you felt those things? have you? ghastly

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

JK, the pineapple was created to be ghastly so only the brave would find its sweet luscious fruit lurking inside. It's not a fruit for wimps. It's the "How bad do you want to eat this?" fruit.

The smart people buy it in cans.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I got the creeping crud, people! Stay back or you gonna get it too!

I'm leaving for work right now....armed with a mega-sized Kleenex box and bag of cough drops. I'm so very grateful that I don't have a booger phobia right now.....

compulsive writer said...

I cannot believe you had to scan and bag your own pineapple. What is the world coming to? Watch out for that giant kale!

carronin said...

Being afraid of a pineapple now that is just silliness. Spinach is something to be afraid of, you can get E-coli and die from spinach.

Bee said...

BWAHAHAHA! jean knee's right! If someone would rub me with a pineapple I'd be pretty scaurd!

Although... then I'd smell de-lish!





2 clicks for you! Hope you're feeling better!

Chris said...

What you need, my dear Lady Elastic, are...Malaysian Pineapple Tarts!

Cos' once you've popped one of them blighters into your hungry mouth, you'll swear eternal allegiance to the Gods of Malaysian Pineapple Tarts.

Or at the very least, your tummy would've been well fed.

Lauren said...

This post gave me an EXPLOSION of complete laughter! Scared of pineapples?! Tis a fool.

Nancy Face said...

This was the funniest thing ever! It gave me great snorts of happy laughter at the crazy people's expense! Loved the videos...thanks for making my day! :D

I like nothing better than to murder a nice ripe pineapple with a big sharp knife.

We have three peach trees in our back yard...Peach Freak Guy would hate it, but the stinkin' birds love it.

Jean Knee said...

I hear arugula attacks

BarnGoddess said...

omg, a harmless pineapple? shes a freako.

Sponge Bob is ALL MINE.........

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

I want a Malaysian Pineapple Tart. That Chris is a big tease.

"The painted pineapple! It haunts my dreams!!!"

I didn't give you my cold through the phone, did I?

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

Now my pineapple tart dreams can all come true.

Suzanne said...

So if she hates pineapples so much, why did she choose to work in a grocery store? You'd think it would be preferable to go flip burgers! LOL! :D

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

Unless they put pineapple on the burgers. It's like she can't escape! The pineapples are everywhere!

Bee said...

MMMMM pineapple boogers... I mean burgers!




1 + 1 = 11?
clicks!

Melissa said...

Wow... that's just crazy. I don't think I've ever feared a fruit before...