Thursday, December 13, 2007

Behold--The Magical Cleansing Powers Of The Dollar General Store!

Me and my marshmallow moon pie-eating hordes of Infidel kinfolk are unabashed Dollar Store snobs. So, based on a selective match of 29 points of Dollar Store compatibility Dollar General sinks right to the lowest rank amongst our special little Dollar Store caste system. Why? Well mainly because Dollar General loosely translates into "In General, Nothing Is Priced At A Dollar."

Aside from their somewhat insidious misnomer of a store name they do possess a most amazing main attraction that I'm a trifle reticent to share with the world at large. See, one small step inside their linoleum-floored store and you'll immediately sense that it acts as some sort of cosmic Ex-Lax pulling and tugging at your innards and manipulating the forces of nature until you end up frantically doing the crab walk/butt clench combo down the seemingly endless ceramics kitsch aisle to find the bathroom and avoid the shame of having to purchase an emergency pack of Dollar General cotton panties stamped with a giant red 'IRREGULAR' mark.

I harbor an irrational phobia of public restrooms and yet even I'm powerless to resist the magnetic pull of the Dollar General toilets. Inexplicably, even when completely devoid of "poop feeling" I know that I'll soon be visiting their bathrooms before paying for my lava lamp keychain and Goo Goo Cluster candy. I should write a book about my Dollar General bathroom experiences. I'd call it 'An Inconvenient Poop.'


Anyway, I would so rock the casbah as their ad campaign manager by playing up this unique angle of their business. In such a crowded Dollar Store market its very important to focus attention on your niche.

Infertile women all over the world have scurried to Naples, Italy just to sit in a miracle chair that entices with a promise of delivering babies. People always flock to sites that they believe will miraculoulsy cure their medical ailments. So, Dollar General can advertise how they benevolently lend a hand to the constipated public with a slogan like, "Give us your plugged-up, your bloated, and your intestinally-challenged masses." I envision entire pilgrimage tours to the Dollar General store organized by the Irritable Bowel Syndrome Association of America.

Oh Dollar General, you may never have served in an official military capacity but I salute you and your position as a General of Poop Authority and I award you the special Infidel Brown Medal Of Honor.

45 comments:

glittersmama said...

I've heard people have similar reactions in Km@rt.

Brown Medal of Honor? blech.

Methodical wormer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Methodical wormer said...

Heard as in they were noisy neighbors? I don't know about getting the IBS people in there... you'd have a big mess on your hands. "Clean up, aisle 1-9"

elasticwaistbandlady said...

methodical: Okay, I'm up late and exhausted from traveling from one job to another in the cold and rain all day but that comment just cracked my azz up all over the place. :)

glittersmama: KMART should start advertising their 'Brown Light Special', don't you think? Why keep that special kind of healing power hidden?

jams o donnell said...

Haha Ewbl, there's a public convenience near the Bank of England whose siren song draws me.

If the conveneiences become popular in the way you envisage, I would be concerned that the price of TP would increase to a dollar a sheet!

aubrey said...

note to future self: don't go to dollar general if you are in texas.

because if i'm ever in texas then i'm sure i'll be packed full of mexican food and that could just be bad news for me and my childbirth damaged functions if the dollar general really dos bring out the..uh..best in you.

Johnna said...

...you may never have served in an official military capacity...

you so rock.

Nancy Face said...

I bet those Dollar General IRREGULAR cotton panties are not priced at a dollar.

Uhhh...I gotta go.

Nancy Face said...

I've had many nightmares about having to go...badly...in public restrooms, and all the toilets are overflowing or full of floaties, and they never actually have a stall surrounding them. What could this mean?

Last summer, on the way home from Disneyland, at a horrible little gas station in a very small town, my bad dreams came to life...although there WAS a stall!

Mrs. Monkey Butt said...

I no longer have the desire to check out the Dollar General that I pass each day on my way into work. Because nothing is a dollar. . . and because I have no desire to check out their public restrooms.

I want you to know I love your music. I crank it up and sing to the kids. They know I'm weird. I'm their mom;)

Jean Knee said...

infidel, you better stick to our favorite Dollar Tree. every time I'm in there looking at all the affordable plastic crap from China, I know you have seen the same merchandise down there in H-town. we will always have that bond.

Jean Knee said...

seriously, I didn't know other people experienced that have to poop phenomenon when entering certain stores. I used to always have it in Mervyn's which was okay because the restrooms were impeccably clean and pleasant.

Mervyn's closed so now I have that poop-feel in Hobby Lobby which is bad cuz their restrooms are horrid. I'm probably gonna blow a bowel out with all the clenching I've done in that store

Bee said...

That happens to me at Carson's here in Chicagoland. I don't know why... it could be the fact that I see the coolest shoes ever then nearly poo myself I dunno.

I hadn't heard the name Mervyn's since my California days!

click from work

Lisa said...

Just say NO to public restrooms! I can't use them. Home is where the heart is and everything else.

Lia said...

What's with all the public restrooms?

Avoid store restrooms. They're the worst.

VE said...

Crappy is as crappy does...

elasticwaistbandlady said...

We are like branches swaying together on the proverbial Dollar Tree of Life, jean knee!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Houston is full of road signs that mark out 'Hurricane Evacuation Routes.' I propose that we should implement road signs with toilets on them and arrows pointing in the direction of Dollar General and lettering that reads "For Bowel Evacuation......"

No Cool Story said...

lisa said it all.

It has all been said.

*Gathers awards and medal...goes home*

Melissa said...

There was a store in Idaho called Dollar Fabric, but none of the fabric was priced a dollar. So they changed it to House of Fabric. But they didn't sell houses made of fabric either. So confusing...
I've never been in a Dollar General... perhaps I'll keep it that way.

Bee said...

YAY! You went up!! Although it still only shows one click... que?
Anywho click from home!

Amber said...

Inconvenient Poop. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA! I think that is your best line ever.

And as for your recommendation on how to deal with the Hurricane, where do you find such things as that cage? And how do I get on their mailing list?

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

"I need your desire, where did the fire go?"

It's the video, Dan. You're no George Clooney, and that percussionist reminds me of the scary Albino hitman guy on The Firm. THAT'S why you must be lonely in love.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I love Dan, I really do, but he just got exiled back to videocure in favor of a droopy dog-eyed metrosexual man in a vest and a pre-J.Lo latina chickie.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

With my family in the throes of a profuse doody-roody-inspiring virus... I don't want any kind of Brown Medals of Honor around here... but thanks! :)

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

Good morning, by the way. :)

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

He's had a pocketful of love in his time? That's it?

The chick looks like Baby's sister in Dirty Dancing.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

He's got a pocketful of love for you, millie!

That may have been the original impetus for the invention of artificial insemintation.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Hey I just noticed that the guitarist looks like a young Ian Ziering......with some fancy hair plugs!

Bee said...

YOU ARE 44 ON THE HB RANKING!!
You should get an award for the fastest climb on Mount Humor-Blogs.
From 264 to 44 in less than a week!



***CLX from work****

BarnGoddess said...

you are NUTS!

lol, only you can make me giggle like a complete idiot while sitting at the puter.

Our DG is a bit scary. If you need to poop, I recommend the Quik Trip across the road!

Bee said...

34! YOU ARE NUMBER 34!!!
WOOHOO!!!!!!!

click from home

on.the.run said...

so much funniness I don't know where to start. Thanks for the giggles.

I drove past a place called 'Booger Bears' today and I thought of you and the funny blog you would come up with the go with it.

Jean Knee said...

I can't find my cup, do you know anything about that???

Diesel said...

So THAT's what that IRREGULAR label means.

Nancy Face said...

I went to clickety, and you were #32...w00t!

Palm Springs Savant said...

well said. I find those stores scary yet interesting at the same time. I'm fascinated with the things that you can find in there. As a retai buyer I've actually "sold" overstock merchandise to those job lot/dollar store type places. They definitely have their place. My one recommendation is be VERY careful about any foods you buy from them. They are often short shelf-life...

Maddy said...

Tagged you!
Cheers

This is my calling card or link"Whittereronautism"until blogger comments get themselves sorted out.

emma jo said...

I know several people who have places like this...unfortunately, I have that effect on my own sister...talking on the phone with me usually ended with her flushing on the other end...she used to call me Enemaly.

Bee said...

How can you tell we have reviews coming up?? ::gulp!:: Things are back to normal it seems, you're at 24!! :o)


Moonlight... ::sigh:: I'm also a fan of Joseph!

click!

jean knee, cup=gross

Jean Knee said...

yes bee but the goat was worse, no?

Lauren said...

I am extremely afraid of public bathrooms. I will post about this.

Where can I get a copy of your "An Inconvient Poop"? I bet it will be a New York Times Best Seller...knocking Twilight of it's shelves.

wynne said...

I have never had this...location-induced-relaxing of the bowels, but I know it exists. My son always gets it in the toy aisle at Wal-Mart.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I went to the Dollar General on Tuesday.....things were looking good. Looks like they're using a new kind of anti-bacterial hand soap and the temperature log list is still hanging up outside the door.

For the record, I did NOT check the temperature of my log.

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