Monday, December 10, 2007

Won't Santa Be Surprised To See 'Eunuch' On Wish Lists This Year??!!??

Yeah, true enough, having a personal eunuch really would be awesomeness personified. I mean you could utilize them in the way that sultans and emperors alike did for centuries and have them guard your personal harem or station them next to your glowing fireplace as an interestingly exotic conversation starter when entertaining your friends and family this holiday season. Won't your snobby neighbor, Bob just keel over with jealousy at the sight of your fancy new eunuch??!!?

Before you rush out and grab the first eunuch that comes your way just bear this fact in mind: There's a tag attached to the back of every eunuch stipulating that they're DRY CLEAN ONLY. Scrubbing them up with simple soap and water will only lead to additional shrinkage and don't nobody want to see that.

Luckily, theres a cleaning service that specializes in the particular grooming needs of the average eunuch-- A place where eunuchs don't mind getting hung out to dry. Why else would they name their establishment UNIK Cleaners? Obviously the owners were just too cheap to spring for the additional letters to make their neon sign read properly as 'Eunuch Cleaners' but I'm sure that doesn't detract in the slightest from their dedication to producing gleaming, bright eunuchs spit-polished until they sparkle.....thanks UNIK Cleaners!

*The stockings were hung by the chimney with care in hopes that Saint Nicholas would soon leave a shiny new eunuch there. But please be sensitive to the feelings of eunuchs this Christmas season and don't sing Jingle Bells or Silver Bells around them. They loathe songs that remind them of ding-a-lings.*

Very Short And Funny Eunuch Commercial Here

38 comments:

glittersmama said...

So do you have to prove that it's a eunuch standing by your fireplace?

And is additional shrinkage really an issue for a eunuch?

Maybe unik is like cyber language like "c u l8r " (which I despise btw).

wynne said...

I think they just misspelled "unique."

wynne said...

...which is a good thing, really. I'd much rather take my eunuch to the cleaners than take my clothes to a place that would clean them in a "unique" fashion. Hmm...

Mrs. Monkey Butt said...

Holy Bananas!!! Where do you find these things? I live in a boring city or I don't drive around enough ;)

I will make sure to only dry clean my eunuch.

Still chuckling. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

*snip snip*

Do they like being spit-polished?

I love your "Silver Bells" and "Jingle Bells" remark. It reminds me of Johnny Dangerously. "You better look out. You'll end up with your bells in a sling."

Nancy Face said...

I'm so glad this important service has been made available in your fair city. Eunuchs deserve proper care and grooming, just like other people.

Hahaha! :D

Elizabeth-W said...

In a city where there are at least 4 dry cleaners at every intersection, a business as gotta go do something unique to bring in business.

omar said...

I was not familiar with the term "eunuch" until I looked it up while reading this post. I'm generally not OK with words that have definitions including the word "castrated."

Needless to say, I will not be patronizing that business.

No Cool Story said...

What in the world?
They wanted to by UNIK. Instead, they made it to Elastic's The Smiling Infidel.

Those lucky dogs.

Geosomin said...

Tee hee...eunuch.

Bee said...

You said "Before you rush out and grab the first eunuch that comes your way", where would you grab him?? :o)

Bee said...

clicketh from worketh

Bee said...

Another word you shouldn't have used in this post: "hung".

BarnGoddess said...

I have a set of emasculators if anyone wants to borrow them to make their own Eunich.

Theyve only been used on cattle!

Tori :) said...

WHat the heck is UNIK supposed to be?? I don't get it. That's like people that spell their kid's name so weird that you can't figure out how to pronounce it.
Where can I pick me up one of these Eunichs?

Maddy said...

No I don't think I have any definition for UNIK - maybe you could ask them!
Cheers

This is my calling card or link"Whittereronautism"until blogger comments get themselves sorted out.

Suzanne said...

LOL! I'll avoid those two songs the next time I'm singing Christmas songs with eunichs! Ooh, the high pitched songs would be especially pretty with their high ranges! :)

jams o donnell said...

Now that is a gift anyone would be delighted to receive. I have the perfect alcove for one and I promise never to play Chuck Berry's My ding a ling in his presence!

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

That's what we should be putting in our living rooms instead of the dreaded controversial Christmas tree - a holiday eunuch.

aubrey said...

lol. that commercial was hilarious. ding a ling.

which reminds me, in a round about way..we went christmas caroling on sunday night with some friends and at one house after we finished our silent night, the lady came to the door and politely said, "didn't you guys notice the menorah in our window?" uh. whoops. so then we proceeded to attempt a weak version of dreidel, dreidel, dreidel.

Bee said...

I click because I love. I think there's something seriously wrong with humor-blogs! You see me clicking don't you? Then why does it say only one visit from your blog?
In my next life I want to be a motherboard. Maybe then I'll understand.

Jean Knee said...

Millie just said CHRISTMAS tree.
Oh the outrage!

anyway, about these x-men, will they really rub oil in your skin and bathe you in milk? sounds like a souffle recipe or something.

can you make them slice off the three inch layers of white trash heel calus? cuz that's what really matters---do they pluck?

Sketchy said...

Will my eunich clean the house and stuff? I could get on board with that.

My WV: is Sass pie. Really, Sasspie from a blog that calls me a spitball. I've got a lot to live up to.

Palm Springs Savant said...

what the *%!@? how do people think of these names? Truth is, as they say stranger than fiction :-)

elasticwaistbandlady said...

barn goddess- We should totally open up a gift shop together. How does "The Unique Eunich" sound?

Bee- I like totally meant to do that when I wrote it! The power of the subliminally messaged words.....I think theres a conspiracy afoot at humor blogs. How else are long dormant blogs and traveling bras beating me?

elasticwaistbandlady said...

And you know what else goddess? We could sell Tunics For Eunichs That Are Made In Munich!

I wrote a tender song dedicated to my holiday eunuch:
"You'll have a holly, jolly eunuch. I'm sure you'll all agree. Say hello to cameltoe and sitting down to pee....."

Dan said...

Hmmmm ... somehow I wouldn't put a guy without working parts on the top of my Christmas list. More likely a woman with all working parts. :)

Nancy Face said...

Haha, I love the holiday eunuch song you shared!

Lauren said...

I had a feeling to just scroll down without reading the comments on this one...to save me from awkwardness ya know...from my virgin mind...and other things.

Bee said...

I have no clue how they beat you. Maybe you should put a picture of your bra on your banner thing??
Oh, and by the way, "hello to cameltoe and sitting down to pee" BWAHAHAHA! Hey! Maybe you can puit that on your banner!!

Click from work!

Bee said...

uh... "put"

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

Yeah, how would a eunuch pee if not by sitting down?

Why have I never wondered about this before?

(maybe that's a good thing)

Melissa said...

Are you on Santa's naughty list or what??!?
I'd rather not have a eunuch for Christmas. I don't need another person to feed or clean up after!

Jean Knee said...

the sitting down to pee thing---don't they just remove the balls? isn't the pen*s still there?

they didn't cover this in anatomy 302

Jean Knee said...

the seed lady nearly put me to sleep, yawn.

that thing is sooooo rigged

Bee said...

pens what pens? I find it funny that the person that said the vajayjay word on my blog oh about one thousand times can't say pen-s uh... p-nis uh... peni-...
It's harder than it looks!

[bjjjbbb that's what she said!]

click from home

on.the.run said...

I have heard they do a great job but I can't bring myself to bring our 'uniks' to be cleaned because of the name.

the pink report said...

Okay, THIS was funny:
"You'll have a holly, jolly eunuch. I'm sure you'll all agree. Say hello to cameltoe and sitting down to pee....."

That did me in.